help with long distance flirt needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
help with long distance flirt needed
6
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 11:07am
Hi all! I have been lurking for a little while and I finally decided to post for advice. So, here goes. With the guy in question we didn't start off ideally. First of all he is the brother of a girl friend of mine which complicates matters a bit. So I met him when he came to visit his sister and we immediately hit it off well. We ended up sleeping together the very first night we met and realizing my mistake I didn't even ask to see him again. Somehow he got my number and called the very next day. We ended up spending a lot of time together before he had to go back home. When he left I didn't hear from him for three weeks and branded the episode a fling and moved on until he called again to tell me he was thinking about me and was going to come back soon to visit his sister and he was going to call me when he was here. In spite of promising myself not to call him I called a few weeks later and he sounded overjoyed to hear from me and the discussion was bizarre to say the least. I mean we don't have a relationship - I don't know what we have - and yet he would go on and on about how he would be back into town in no time, fly will pass and how easier it would be to see each other if I had a car. Anyway, the guy doesn't have a mobile phone (very artistic and against them) and doesn't use the internet because of a computer virus (I know all this to be truth) so the occasional phonecalls, usually initiated by him is the contact we have. Anyhow, when my mobile phone was stolen our communication was cut for about a month. I was too embarassed to ask his sister for the number and he had no way of reaching me although he later told me he had been trying desperately (his words, not mine). Anyway, I run into him with his sister and her boyfriend when he came into town and sparks were flying. We kissed when I "showed him around the house" and later he announced to his sister that he was staying with me as he was hoping to spent some quality time with me. I was schocked but I guess everything is out in the open. We spent the night together and he was so very sweet. He mentioned I should visit him but in a vague way. Is there a way I can get more out of the situation? Do you think he sees me as a fling and nothing more? I know that he hasn't got a girlfriend back home and I also know he has been grilling his sister's boyfriend about information on me and he called me since to see how I am doing. Is there anything I can do to claim him for me. He lives four hours away so it is not that tragic. Please tell me what I can do! I am falling for him

Thanks in advance

Sadie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 11:29am
I guess I don't see "the problem".

You've proven that you're a fun companion, who is willing to have sex without emotional attachment to "more" or obligation to him.

And since there is all the "limitation" on how contact can happen.....he didn't get a chance to say "can I stay at your place and hang out and hook up" when I am in town.

Which, he ran into you in th company of his sister, and has let them know that you two are "bed buddies" in a long-distance, no obligation, no dating sense.

He simply finding out information because he wants to make sure that there isn't a boyfriend in the wings that'll clobber him - upon making the announcement "we're going to hang out and hook up on weekends when I'm in town".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 12:43pm
Well, I can understand how some people might read this into it. However, this is simply not the way things are. The lack of communication was temporary when I lost my phone. Right now we are very much communicating. He calls every couple of days 'just to see how I am' and I wouldn't be asking the question if I hadn't sensed that there is more there than just the physical aspect of things. I know some people's morals are diffenerent than others and we didn't start off the conventional way but my guess is that noone calls a fling constantly especially after you get what it is supposedly that you want especially if she lives in another country. His phone bill doesn't imply any lack of respect for me whatsoever. If sex is the only thing he is after then I have to be a very expensive fling indeed. He does say he cares a lot for me and we made plans to meet up either for my birthday or early june when he gets holidays, we just never actually talked about the status of our relationship and I am as much to blame for this as he is.I just want to broach this the right way, this is all. Granted, it is very hard to tranfer an entire situation on a computer screen, but some things are simply not black and white.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 1:04pm
Well, let's go at this another route.

What people pursue is what they want. Now....he pursued physical contact and got it willingly by consent.

If he's going to pursue dating - it seems that you'll go that route as well.

You're taking high phone bills to mean "respect" - that's incorrect.

He might easily be pursuing getting to know you because "he wants a relationship" - but if he wants a life partner, or a partner for right now - he'd have wanted that prior to meeting you..and you he finds interesting and attractive and is pursuing geting to know you as a result of already having the desire for partnership.

Right now...yo'ure in "infatuation". Which is basically "your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself I can't get enough of you".


And lots of contact does go on during that, and if most of it is interactive in a personal sense rather than email and telephone that's ideal. Because during that time, there is not alot of objectivity and discernment because you're riding the emotional high - understandable.

Only by contact that isn't rehearsed, scheduled, orchestrated and choroegraphed to impress you so that desire remains at a peak - do you begin to "get to know him and him you".

So basically, the desire for a relationship needed to be something he had prior to meeting you - to determine if what he's doing now is pursing you as a potential partner, or pursuing you because of the feelings your desire for him inspire in himself.

Which, honest communication, and lots of contact would answer those questions in time. Please note that his "style" is to sleep with whoever turns him on at the moent, and is willing to participate.

So if you're long-distance dating in this manner, realize there is every possibility that he'll find someone else on his travels or in his home area that also "turns him on and is willing" - and nothing is going to stop him indulging in those encounters. He might not be seeking partnership with them....but with you...while seeing them as opportunities of instant gratification, and because there is no obligation to you there is no harm done.

Values justify actions. Values determine character. Situations are just the stage on which we play out our values.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 2:05pm
Hi! I really don't blame you for being sceptical about this. The world has long ceased being a rosy place to live in and sincere people are hard to find. Nevertheless there is a positive side to life. I never would have posted here if I had suspected that he is not respectful towards me in any way.I have too much self esteem for that and I enjoyed our encounters possibly as much as he has. As I perceived it from the beginning was this strange attraction that I couldn't control but I was not naive enough to think that this is in any way a stable beginning to a relationship. These thoughts came much much later and after receiving clues from him that I was in fact more important to him than an adventure. I still have my doubts and insecurities of course but I can't bash people off that easily. I also jumped into bed with him too fast. I know me! I have never done that before (well, I am not trying to convince anyone here about my virtue, I am merely stating a fact) so I don't see why I should assume the worst of him while all the time I have been getting messages to the contrary. The feelings were not there in the onset, how could they have been? I hardly knew him. But gradually I did get to know some aspects of him and what I see I like so far. I am treading carefully but I still believe that not everyone out there is a unworthy and out to hurt me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 2:39pm
Perhaps it is best to deal with this in a totally objective way - because really neither of you know one another and this "stance" suits both of your viewpoints - as it does for all the rest of us out there, in all situations, with every person.

Nobody does anything for, with, to, about, in spite of, despite of, because of another human being. Not really. Therefore, he didn't sleep WITH YOU the first night. He slept with you he first night because it was available to him as an option, and he wanted to indulge, his values had him having no guilt for that indulgence, no "judgement" of you for it, etc. etc. etc.

We all do what we want at all times.....and what we think, feel, decide, say, actions we take, thoughts we have - all that is determined by our personal values, priorities, goals, and standards, in all situations, with all people.

Therefore, I think he did what he wanted to do at the time, and he's doing the same thing now. Just like you did what you wanted to at the time, and you're doing that now, as well.

both of you have your own goals, needs, priorities, standards, agendas, and values that are determining your reasoning pattern. That says if "X" exists, and I do "Y", I will get "Z" as a result - that'll be based on your experiences, and your needs, goals, and standards. Honest communication serves much better than projected assumption.

What he wants....if you've never discussed it you might since assumption and projection when used as facts usually leads to disaster. And that wouldn't be a "do you want a relationship wtih ME" discussion...it's "are you pursuing a partnership at this time in your life".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 2:55pm
Well, finally we agree! I totally believe that we are exercising our right to choice of actions and situations. The option to sleep with me was open to him because I made it open and I have no regrets. the difference is that at that time I would still not have had any regrets had he ever called me again. I had no delusions. I was living for the moment. The fact that the flirtation continued after that was a surprise for me and a nice bonus and I only started thinking in terms of relationships when he started making plans to see me again (which he invariably does on the phone) soon. That was my hint. I think it is a very constructive thing to use the phrasing that you did at the end of your post. This is simply a discussion we are going to have to have. I just realize that it possibly needs to be done face to face, which hopefully will be soon enough. Thanks for the insight. I will keep you all posted as to what happens

Sadie