Help! Lost love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Help! Lost love?
4
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 1:00am
Hi all, I have read some amazingly caring and helpful responses to other people's queries, and I decided that I need some advice. I'm stuck right now!

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. At the beginning, it was completely platonic, we worked together, saw a movie, and that was that. But then I started noticing his eyes (hazel y'all!) and he started hugging me whenever he saw me in the morning at work. Next thing you know, it was more movies, then movies at HIS house; and then I kissed him. He was interested before and had let me know it. I was interested, and that was how I let him know. From there we had a very active sexual relationship, we were best friends, we shared our thoughts and ideas and went everywhere together.

Despite that, for some reason, he cheated on me twice in that year and a half. Once with a friend of mine. I was hurt, and angry, and really just hurt. But I took him back both times because I loved him, and he was very sorry, and really tried afterwards. We worked on our relationship and we ended up a much stronger, loving couple for it. I had my baby girl, who has red hair like both of us and his hazel eyes, and we were great for the first month. Now, I went back to work 2 months ago at a different company, but the same industry. Within one month I was told that I had an excellent chance to move up, that I was skilled and experienced and good enough that I could triple my pay there. I'm halfway there now, and I think he resents me because he hasn't moved up. I will be making twice as much as him as a supervisor, and will be the main breadwinner. I love my daughter, and she is my life! I would do anything for her, and will. No matter what, I will love her the same and she will be the best taken care of baby on earth. She's my Bri. :)

But it hurts me now because I wonder if he is cheating on me again, in response to whatever negative emotions he experienced because of my promotions. All the signs point to it. My daughter is four and a half months old now, and we haven't had sex in a month. Whenever I try to get him in the mood, he's just not interested. He doesn't kiss me when he gets home, and he barely says hello. He finds reasons to go to work to check on things, or do paperwork, or whatever, on days off. When I want to spend time with him, he seems reluctant, or at least not very enthusiastic about it. He will say "I love you too" but not be the first one to say it now. However, he is still a good father to my baby. That hasn't changed.

And, I have asked him if anything is wrong, if he wants to talk about something, or whatever. He just says everything's ok, am I? I'm so lost.

OK. Did I mention that I am financially stable? I wasn't at the beginning of the relationship, but that didn't matter anyway then. We were sharers, and givers, and we had a great relationship. Money didn't matter. We discussed marriage many times, and made vague plans, but the baby came and we are still not married. Her last name is Mine-His. I can take care of her by myself if it comes to it, and will. But I want her to have a father. I want her to be a daddy's girl, because he is a good father to her. He is loving and caring and responsible. I do love him, but I'm repelled by his sudden lack of interest and affection. I think he is cheating on me again.

Third time's the charm, right? Well, I won't stay with him if he is cheating on me, but how do I deal with this? He won't admit it, I have to catch him. Plus, a friend of mine from work is catching my eye now that I might possibly be single. He and Eric are a lot alike in some aspects, but still very different. The man from work is smart (which is very important to me), funny (still very important), and has strong values and good business practices. We click, and the sexual tension is pretty thick between us. I haven't had any in a long time, and I know he wants me. What do I do? I love my baby and I want to do the right thing for her...should I stay or go? Should I bear it for now and wait? Should I approach him?

I need advice, so PLEASE help me! I don't have any close girlfriends, and my close male friends won't understand. (They'd sooner offer sex than have a real conversation about the topic!) I am 19 years old, and just trying to not mess things up for my daughter. I want her to have the best life possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:24am
hazel lover...

First...Pianoguy is happy there was plenty of coffee left in the thermos. You've addressed a lot of different issues in your post...and one cup wasn't enough!

It's obvious that the most important person in your life is YOUR DAUGHTER. From your description, she sounds like an absolute sweetheart and that you'd do ANYTHING for her safety and well-being.

Can't say that's the case with the father of your child. You might have had feelings for him in the past, but it's clear that you DON'T love him NOW. It's also clear that you don't TRUST him! He has decided to keep his distance and be stand-offish...so how can you possibly consider a marriage together? The "warning signs" are definitely present!

But please...COOL IT with Eric! You might work together and there might be some chemistry between you to...BUT...'transferance of feelings' could put you in a more difficult spot than you're in right now. Besides..you've got more important choices to make. While something might develop (between Eric and yourself) after a long period of time, DO NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW!

You indicated that you're financially independent...so ask yourself how you feel about being a "single parent"---then consult with an attorney about your rights when it comes to child support! You didn't indicate if the lease or house you're living in is "joint" or in the name of your b/f or yourself. Depending upon the arrangement, you might want to start looking for a new place to live? This actually might be a healthier choice for your daughter...as well as yourself.

It's tough to have to make so many decisions at the age of 19...but for some odd reason, I'LL BET YOU'LL END UP HAPPIER AS SOON AS YOU DO. Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 11:41am
I agree with Pianoguy. Don't go from the frying pan to the fire by starting any kind of new relationship before you are completely out of your marriage.

Ideas on the marriage, I think while your husband may feel bitter, hurt, resentful, that you will be making more money than him, feeling bad that he's not been promoted, it has affected his self-esteem and he probably doesn't feel appreciated or needed at home. Other women boost that starving ego, if he's cheating. Not that that's a reason to cheat, but for him, any reason will do.

I strongly suggest you consider counseling and/or reading a few of these:

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

It would be great if he would go with you, but if he won't, go without him, it will give you a safe place to vent, sort things out and make some decisions.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:52am
Hey y'all,

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate your help...right now, I am preparing for a move. Lots of love, thank you Pianoguy and ITWINFLAME.

Oh, and sorry the post was so long...I was just frustrated. And lost. Hope you enjoyed the coffee, Pianoguy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 8:36am
hazel lover...

Pianoguy is happy that you're moving forward. Like all events...this will work out.

By the way, my coffee flavor today is cherry chocolate....which goes remarkably well with a slice of warm cherry pie!

Pianoguy