help: manipulative mother!
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| Sat, 04-17-2004 - 6:54pm |
Now, my BF claims that his mother really does like me, but our mothers have been emailing one another and when they met up for the first time just the two of them the other day, she made lots of nasty insinuations, nothing direct again, of course. She complained about her own mother being 'rude and forthright', 'a typical Aries' and then remarked that I was an Aries too and how surprisingly accurate these astrological descriptions were. We're going to be moving in together soon and I've heard my BF say to his parents that this is a very permanent (ie lifelong) thing, but his mum kept saying to mine that he throws himself into all kinds of things (from the context implying especially relationships) but that nothing ever lasts and, in reference to our living together, said 'well, maybe for a year or two; he's so fickle'. Then she started spinning this myth about how his previous GF had broken his heart and that he'd never get over it, suggesting that he was about to give up all his study and career plans for her before she left him. I have an open and trusting relationship with my BF and know this to be pure fiction and I believe him without a doubt when he says that he loves me completely and unconditionally and more than he could ever have imagined loving anyone. He is so clearly devoted and I know he's impressed upon his parents how much this means to him, so why is she doing this? She also says things about him which are very unkind and might demonstrate a lack of responsibility or a willingness to commit, which is completely contradicted by his behaviour, and is very dismissive of all the lovely things we do and share together. His mother knows full well that mine will tell me all these things that she says, because my mother doesn't keep things from me. Why is she trying to tear us apart when this quite clearly makes her son very happy? I have been nothing but an attentive, completely devoted GF and have been there for him in every way I possibly can (and vice versa of course) and she couldn't possibly question my love for him. I know I have my faults like everyone else, but I've always been polite and considerate towards his parents (there are no such probs with his dad who genuinely seems to like me and makes me feel welcome and is going to help us move in etc.) and there is nothing about my past or background which might seem immediately objectionable to them.
But how am I to deal with this? My BF already knows a few of my concerns that his mother now seems to like me less the more serious the relationship has become, but I have not spoken to him about the meeting with my mum where her tactic seemed to become even clearer. My mum reckons his mother can't face the thought of her darling son growing up and that our closeness somehow threatens her relationship with him. She advised me not to say anything to my BF about this and that would be to let his mother win, to let her provoke problems between us. I do trust him, so don't feel as though I need to question him, but I still feel incredibly hurt that his mother feels this way and says these things when I love her son so unquestionably - what more can she ask of me? - and I feel she's partly succeeded in dividing us if I allow there to be something we can't talk about (it's so special that until now there's been nothing we couldn't discuss). And it distresses my BF when something is clearly upsetting me but I won't say what it is, and he then feels that I don't completely trust him. So, is my mother right? Should I just keep quiet? Help, what can I do? Thanks in advance!

I suspect his mother doesn't like you because she's evil. I can't stand saccharrine sweet people, they're always fake from my experience and they'll stab you in the back at every opportunity. It sounds like that's exactly what she's doing. If your bf can't see her for what she's doing, you might to seriously reconsider the situation. He may be too blind, or he may be deceiving you. I'd be careful of someone who comes from a bad parent; they can either be really good or really bad. If he can't be honest with you, or at least willing to seriously consider your point of view, I'd be suspicious of him. He may have been tuning his mother out for years, so it may take a bit to make him aware. If he's honest, though, he'll be grateful for your honest viewpoint. However, if he's not, he'll attack you or just be very vague and non-committal even after he's had enough time to realize the truth, I suspect. I hope things work out for you. Best wishes.
Hope you get the answers that I to seek.