help: manipulative mother!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
help: manipulative mother!
3
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 6:54pm
My BF of 3 years and I have a strong, happy relationship - we love each other very very much and know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together - but his mother seems to be trying to threaten the trust between us. I'm 21 and he's a year older, both only children and very close to our mothers, so this is tricky. Whenever I stay with them, she always makes me feel as if I have to defend everything I do and say. She never says anything cruel directly and is more often sickly sweet and flattering, but always makes suggestive comments clearly designed to provoke me, but I have so far resisted rising to the bait for the sake of my BF. To give an example, I flew back from Germany (where we're on a research year at the moment) with him to support him at an important event and stayed with his parents who live nearby; although she kept saying how lovely it was to see me etc. etc., she made it blatantly clear that she couldn't wait for me to leave and that she thought it was ridiculous that I had come, even though I know that my BF appreciated my showing support and being so proud of him.

Now, my BF claims that his mother really does like me, but our mothers have been emailing one another and when they met up for the first time just the two of them the other day, she made lots of nasty insinuations, nothing direct again, of course. She complained about her own mother being 'rude and forthright', 'a typical Aries' and then remarked that I was an Aries too and how surprisingly accurate these astrological descriptions were. We're going to be moving in together soon and I've heard my BF say to his parents that this is a very permanent (ie lifelong) thing, but his mum kept saying to mine that he throws himself into all kinds of things (from the context implying especially relationships) but that nothing ever lasts and, in reference to our living together, said 'well, maybe for a year or two; he's so fickle'. Then she started spinning this myth about how his previous GF had broken his heart and that he'd never get over it, suggesting that he was about to give up all his study and career plans for her before she left him. I have an open and trusting relationship with my BF and know this to be pure fiction and I believe him without a doubt when he says that he loves me completely and unconditionally and more than he could ever have imagined loving anyone. He is so clearly devoted and I know he's impressed upon his parents how much this means to him, so why is she doing this? She also says things about him which are very unkind and might demonstrate a lack of responsibility or a willingness to commit, which is completely contradicted by his behaviour, and is very dismissive of all the lovely things we do and share together. His mother knows full well that mine will tell me all these things that she says, because my mother doesn't keep things from me. Why is she trying to tear us apart when this quite clearly makes her son very happy? I have been nothing but an attentive, completely devoted GF and have been there for him in every way I possibly can (and vice versa of course) and she couldn't possibly question my love for him. I know I have my faults like everyone else, but I've always been polite and considerate towards his parents (there are no such probs with his dad who genuinely seems to like me and makes me feel welcome and is going to help us move in etc.) and there is nothing about my past or background which might seem immediately objectionable to them.

But how am I to deal with this? My BF already knows a few of my concerns that his mother now seems to like me less the more serious the relationship has become, but I have not spoken to him about the meeting with my mum where her tactic seemed to become even clearer. My mum reckons his mother can't face the thought of her darling son growing up and that our closeness somehow threatens her relationship with him. She advised me not to say anything to my BF about this and that would be to let his mother win, to let her provoke problems between us. I do trust him, so don't feel as though I need to question him, but I still feel incredibly hurt that his mother feels this way and says these things when I love her son so unquestionably - what more can she ask of me? - and I feel she's partly succeeded in dividing us if I allow there to be something we can't talk about (it's so special that until now there's been nothing we couldn't discuss). And it distresses my BF when something is clearly upsetting me but I won't say what it is, and he then feels that I don't completely trust him. So, is my mother right? Should I just keep quiet? Help, what can I do? Thanks in advance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 8:45pm
You and your bf need to decide how to deal with her as a team. Don't do anything without consulting him. Come up with a plan and be consistent. Either ignore her as much as possible and concentrate on your relationship with his father or confront her. Let her know that you are on to what she is doing and ask her why she is trying to come between you two. Once she realizes how transparent she is being, she may stop.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 11:41am
I think you need to discuss this with your bf. If you just let it sit, it will get worse, I'm pretty sure. Marrying a man whose parent doesn't like you would be extremely hard on you and be cause for divided loyalties on your future husband's part. I think it would be a help to you right now if you found out if he recognizes what she's doing and what his reactions are to it, because it will certainly come up if you marry. It would be unavoidable then, and if you ignore it now, it will become a bigger problem in the future. Nip this one in the bud, present a united front, or figure-out what you want to do instead.

I suspect his mother doesn't like you because she's evil. I can't stand saccharrine sweet people, they're always fake from my experience and they'll stab you in the back at every opportunity. It sounds like that's exactly what she's doing. If your bf can't see her for what she's doing, you might to seriously reconsider the situation. He may be too blind, or he may be deceiving you. I'd be careful of someone who comes from a bad parent; they can either be really good or really bad. If he can't be honest with you, or at least willing to seriously consider your point of view, I'd be suspicious of him. He may have been tuning his mother out for years, so it may take a bit to make him aware. If he's honest, though, he'll be grateful for your honest viewpoint. However, if he's not, he'll attack you or just be very vague and non-committal even after he's had enough time to realize the truth, I suspect. I hope things work out for you. Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:12pm
Wow I thought I was the only one with the mother-in-law from H!#%%. My husband's mother is the same way and has been since we started dating. She actually tried to tell him that he couldn't date me. There is such hostility between us that we just save face when we are in front of each other. The problem that I realized is that these mothers have trained there children to revolve thier worlds around them and cater to them. Which when girls like us come along is a bad thing. These mothers don't want to let go of that. They are afraid that we will now be the center of the world and they lose that. My husband doesn't fully see what his mother is doing because he is use to that and that is how he was raised. So in a sense he doesn't see the problem. I have searched for the answers and have done the confrontation which backfired and she made me look like the one with the probelm who wasn't trying to make things work. These men are the ones that need to learn to stand up tho their moms. They are suppose to protect us and we are suppose to come first in their lives. I am not so sure that it is our responsibility to continue to confrnt this situation. They need to step up and put their mothers in their place. We would no more put up with that from our mother's than anything.

Hope you get the answers that I to seek.