Help- marriage by a thread

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Help- marriage by a thread
1
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:11pm
Hi everyone. I am desperate for feedback and opinions. I have been married about 15 months now to a wonderful man. We have had a tough first year but for the past 6 months things have been fantastic. After I found I was pregnant with our first child, he came clean that he had been intimate with another woman months before. He told me he would do whatever it took to help me trust him again and to move forward. He has been more than cooperative by going to counseling and just letting me talk. Well we haven't had to talk about it for a long time and there has been NO signs at all of it. We have made the decision to pack up and move across the country for a job offer he received so I could stay home after I have the baby. We made the decision that he would move out there and get started with training while I stay here finish my job and deliver the baby here in my hometown, and then move out there with him. On his way out to his new job across country (he drove with a friend) he stopped in a city where he had old friends. Come to find out afterwards, he had met up with an old friend from high school. He made sure to have a third party there, but didn't tell me about it until afterwards- which obviously he had to of had this planned beforehand. I feel completely hurt and betrayed that he somehow got her number and called her on his way into her town. When I told him I was uncomfortable with it and why, he got extremely defensive and said he and God knew his intentions and I should too. So now we haven't spoke except for one email back and forth since he has been moved away. He is upset with me that I am taking it to this level and freaking out about it, and I am sick thinking that if he doesn't understand why this is a problem we will have this as a problem in our future and what respect does he have for me? I miss him as my spouse and now I have to find a way to work this out thousands of miles away... please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 9:41am
I don't like the idea that you are pregnant with HIS child and because you got upset about something, he has decided to have barely any contact with you.

This is probably really upsetting you and that is not a good thing to have happen while pregnant. So, what I would do is drop the subject until you are back together, living in the same house. Call him or email him, tell him you are sorry, that you want to forget about the short detour he took on his trip, and tell him that since you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you are very emotional.

He is coming back for the birth of the baby?? I hope so!

Anyway, then once you are out there and living with him, settled in, talk to him, and perhaps go back to the counselor. I think ANY woman (pregnant or not) would get upset if their husband went to go visit a female after he has confessed to cheating.

The problem with taking a man back after he has cheated is that many many times, they will cheat again because they know that you forgive them before and they feel like they will be able to get you to forgive them again. That's why you hear about those marriages that go on for 20 years, with the man cheating the whole time because he knows he can get away with it. So, I would def. discuss that there has to rules/boundaries -- he broke the commitment and trust in your marriage, he needs to pay the consequences.

Lastly, if I were you, I would move up to where he is NOW if you can... a man who has cheated has shown he is weak, is it realistic to leave him alone miles and miles away from you?? Try to find a way to join him very soon.