Help me decide to go back or forget it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Help me decide to go back or forget it!
3
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 11:26am
Hello everyone...I really need some advice...I got married at 23 (still young and no responsibility really) to my ex-husband (he was 24) after dating since we were seniors in high school...11 months into our marriage, I got pregnant (it was planned) and we have boy/girl twins...when the twins were born, my husband completely changed...he would come home late, not help me with the babies at all, stop paying bills,
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 11:35am

This is a huge question and the anwer is complicated. To begin, where is he at now? Does he want to go back and be with you and the children? Has he changed? Has he worked on himself? It is always possible to forgive and go forward, but it is also very important to realize that old patterns do not just disappear on their own. They return, unless both individuals make a real effort to work on themselves, with the help of therapists. Even with good intentions, it's impossible to do it alone as many of these patterns are unconscious and repetetive. If he truly wants to come back and is prepared to deal with the issues that caused so much pain before, then it's worth considering. I would do it slowly. You don't want a repeat of the past. I would insist that both of you see a marriage counsellor and perhaps he also might need to work with his own therapist. If this was being done, then I would give it a try...but slowly...step by step. He can visit with the children, you and he can have some dates..don't jump into too much at once. It takes time to really see how and who he is now and how things are going with the two of you.


With truly good intentions and the help of well trained professionals you can certainly learn to let go of the past and build a future together that could be meaningful for both of you...without holding onto old resentments or blaming one another for what went on.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 1:10pm

Welcome to the board,


I think if you do get back together with him it should be because you love him and want to be with him. Not because of your children and you are tired of dating. If you get back together and there is no love, neither of you will be happy and your children will notice this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 3:40pm
Please don't jump into this. You are not goingt o be doing your kids any favors by leaving your parents and going to a man they don't know who you don't like. Pursue the child support and back child support. Let him visit the children