Help me figure out myself and him

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Help me figure out myself and him
2
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 3:22pm
I have a kind of long story. It is a 12 year long story, I made it as consice as I could.

I am married for 12 years, have two kids 7&6 years old. In the beginning phase of our marriege, we were fine, then troubles started. My in laws would not acknowledge me as a member, ignore me when I visit them etc. When I brought it up, his response used to be that I must be poison as he knew his family well and they are nice.

ALso, other things started to go wrong, he would get mad and scream at me, call me an unfit mother and woman, It was a very very abusive period. When I asked him what it would take for him to feel happy with me, he would never answer. It is as though he is more content to abuse me and call me names and treat me as a worthless being thandiscuss any problems we had and find solutions. After our kids were born, things got deteriorated and he started calling me a prostitute because I am close to my family and that I am not loyal to him, threaten that he will sell my naked pictures, every other word he would use t me would be a lowly gutter language sewar word.

He would do nothing at home, I would work fulltime and raise the kids, he would criticize me as a bad mother, call me lazy, controlled all the finances, I was told I have no money because what I earned was less than what he did and was not covering half the household expenses(He was making more at that time and I had no access to his money).

I separated from him. He never expected that. He begged and cried and promised me the moon and the world and he would change etc. We threw in some counseling etc. and got back together. Then he stopped the overt abuse. But did nothing at all to regain the trust or foster a relationship. He would very easily know what matters to me, what I want and deny it. He would say he did not do it on purpose but he did it anyway. If he was atleast staying neutral, I was willing to make efforts, but he would hurt me or deny me things that matter most to me and destroy my will to be positive also. Then came another separation. Similar pattern continued, slightly better. He would occasionally do things that I wanted. It was a lot more words that I wanted to hear, we will be a team etc. We got back together again.

I will give some datails of what is going on. He told me to pay the bills as he lost his job. He did not give me any info or the paper work on our mortgage. When I asked him to give it, he goes "quit bothering me, don't bug me for two weeks, I will give it when I feel like it". When I told him he was beng disrespectful, he goes you are bugging me.

He still finds it justified to disrespect me because he feels inconvenienced. A lot of this was a part of his reasoning he was abusive to begin with. He said he has a lot of money saved from his job and started paying some bills. He would go out of his way to show that he and I are not close, he is not tied to me , His way of being is "I will do what I want you do what you want". He cannot care less if we really are partners or if we lead two entirely separate lives in the same house. Currently, we live two separate lives in the same house.

He likes being with kids, but does not take much responsibility. He will do a minimum that he thinks is suitable. Eg: He said he will do half the drops/ pickups, I will do the other half. When I get late at work, I asked him to pick them up twice in a row, he said I am taking advantage of him. This is while he is not working, staying at home, five minutes from day care. I have a fulltime job which is 45 min. away from home. thought he is going to work on the relationship, make things more friendly, but he won't do any effort/work when the need for me arises. He pays some bills, but I bear the majority of bills, saving for student funds for children, retirement, insurance etc.

After his behaviours that were hurtful to me when I asked him why he is doing it while we are supposed to be building a relationship, his response is " well, we are sharing the bills, so this is the way it is going to be, we are not close". I was shocked with it because he never said he wanted to not pay part of the expenses while not working, etc. I know he has money. I would have liked it if he did have a problem, that he should sit down with me, discuss it with me and come to a plan together. But this is something that was never present in the last twelve years. He prefers to hurt me and throw these so called resasons at me as his justification for hurting me. At any time if I felt comfortable with him something like this will always happen to shatter whatever bubble I was living in to remind me of his capability of hurting me and justifying it.

He did not even look for a job for almost nine months after losing it giving vaious excuses that the relationship is bad, he wants to learn new things etc. He never did learn the new things he said he wanted, used to sit on his a$$ watching movies all day for the better part of a year. Now I am tired of being the one to make up, giving relationship lectures etc. I quit those efforts and we are living two separate lives. I feel resentful because he gets to live comfortably, does not have to cook, is the good guy with the kids because he does not discipline them.

Why am I staying? When I actually think rationally, every indication is that I should be leaving and the partnership loving etc. will never happen with him. Then I get sad, I rehash everything that happened. Then he would throw me a bone like doing some small chores in the house. This time I dod not want to go on like a drowning man grasping at straw and respond to these bones he throws me. He never adresses any real issues that go on. keep thinking, why is he doing it and spend hours analyzing it. I realize it is fruitless and I still do it. What is wrong here. Please help me.

Sorry it is long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 4:07pm
What is wrong is that you are married to a man that does not love you nor does he respect you. I hate to say this but you have tried to fix this...you've tried counseling-you've stood by him for 12 miserable years. He is using you for a crutch, for a maid, for whatever you want to call it. You said "Why am I staying? When I actually think rationally, every indication is that I should be leaving and the partnership loving etc. will never happen with him. Then I get sad, I rehash everything that happened. Then he would throw me a bone like doing some small chores in the house. This time I dod not want to go on like a drowning man grasping at straw and respond to these bones he throws me. He never adresses any real issues that go on. keep thinking, why is he doing it and spend hours analyzing it. I realize it is fruitless and I still do it." When he sees that he is loosing his crutch he reacts in a way that he knows will keep you around...not because he is fearful of loosing his love. It's time to cut the apron strings from him. You're already living 2 seperate lives, I think it's time to do it in seperate households as well. It's not changed for 12 years hon, it's not gonna change. Either leave or live LIKE THIS till death do you part.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 4:25pm
::Why am I staying? When I actually think rationally, every indication is that I should be leaving and the partnership loving etc. will never happen with him.

You are right. His behavior patterns have repeated themselves enough time for you to know he's not going to change and things aren't going to get better. You stay, hmmm, because you have kids? Because you HOPE for a change? Because you've been with him for so long that you are afraid of something? Only you know the answer to that question.

::Then I get sad, I rehash everything that happened.

That's normal, but in your case it should be a rehash session that affirms you need to leave.

::Then he would throw me a bone like doing some small chores in the house. This time I dod not want to go on like a drowning man grasping at straw and respond to these bones he throws me. He never adresses any real issues that go on.

Only you can stop grasping at straws. Only you can say enough is enough, set a boundary, mean it and follow through.

::keep thinking, why is he doing it and spend hours analyzing it.

You can't answer the question as to why he is the way he is, because you will never think like him. It's very hard to accept that someone (him) could behave the way he does towards his wife and family, because you would never behave that way.

::I realize it is fruitless and I still do it. What is wrong here.

My best advice, go to counseling on your own to gain the strength you need to make a break from him for good. That means getting into why you have been in an abusive relationship and why the triggers are still there, so you can break the pattern.

Reading material to consider:

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them, Dr. Susan Forward

I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality, Jerold Kreisman, MD

Do either of these descriptions fit:

The Destructive Narcissistic Pattern by Nina W. Brown

Review: This is an excellent book which thoroughly addresses the signs of symptoms of the narcissistic personality. For years I used to think, "If I could only find the right words, I could explain to my husband how much his behavior is hurting me and others."

Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself from the Narcissists in Your Life by Sandy Hotchkiss

Review: This was a very timely book for me. I have been dealing with two Narcissistic people for quite a few years and I just was getting frustrated with trying to figure out the roller coaster ride that I seemed to be on weekly--envy, resentment, praise, anger all came into play. The book helped me to sort this out and in a way that I am now working on applying the straight forward strategies.



Carrie