Help Me & MY SON
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Help Me & MY SON
| Sun, 06-24-2007 - 2:10pm |
Dear Dr. -
I have been with my son's (11 yr. old)) father for a little over twenty years. I was 25 he was 37 then. We lived seperately and then tried to live together before my son was born. I caught him in a relationship with a 21 yr. old. Said it was a one night stand. A year later she was still around. I forgave, we made up, and then my son was born. When my son was 1 1/2 yrs old I told his father either we get married or I was finished with the relationship. We lived 55+ miles apart and I would work all week then pack for the weekends and go to his house and play the happy family. In a Dec. month he said we would get married in June. Well Aug. arrived and I told him to take a hike I was finished. He showed up at my house with a wedding band. Said to me "I know I told you we would do IT in Jun " He could'nt even say the word "marry". I fell for it though. The ring didn't even fit. I still have it & never bothered to get it sized!! I was a single mom till my son was five. His father kept encouraging me to quite my job and come move in with him. So I did. I wanted my son to get into school and stay with his friends. I didn't want him shuffled from one school to the next because his parents could get their stuff together. So we moved in with his father. "His father said it was the happiest day of his life". Within two months I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life. He was so verbally/physically at times abusive to me. I couldn't figure it out. What had changed??? It didn't work out and I suffered alot for about two years until I left with my son. I sacrificed everything I had, and everything I was to this man, was forgiving and all along he lied and cheated. With-in a couple months of leaving during a visit I came across an e-mail to him titled NOTHING - so I read it. It said "Just wanted to tell you I love you. OW"
That OW was my best friend and her son is my sons' best friend. My son calls her Auntie. (I've repeatedly asked him to just call her by name. I explained to him he was getting older now and maybe that would be embarrassing to him so just call her by her name.) A mutual friend of the OW & mine confessed she had known all along and that it had been going on for years-She asked me "Did'nt I see something going on?" I responded "No- I had'nt. How could I think such a thing of a friend.!" At first I was dumb founded and acted as though I didn't care. I was done with him. If she was foolish after everything I had confessed to her, as a lady friend, to want him- so be it. The OW & I have never spoken of this subject. She knows I know. End of story with her. Before anyone knew I knew we went out of town (as usual together) to a water park with just the OW (no husband) and her kids (she has an 8 yr. old daughter too). On our way home we stopped in a town for lunch. He was so rude to me the whole weekend and so sweet with her I left the table and went outside when I finished eating and he followed heckling me. So I asked him "Why do you have to be so mean to me? What had I done to deserve this? Aren't you content enough with your affair? He acted dubmfounded. What was I talking about? I said I read the e-mail titled Nothing-his response was " What the f do you care when was the last time you touched me?" The OW and the kids came out of the restaurant the father & I were silent and we have never mentioned the affair again. I tried to maintain the NORMAL social life my son and I had become accustomed to. It only worked for so long. After a year of waking up in the middle of the night with nasty dreams, waking up to the constant mind chatter of the ugly situation, and the torture of living this secret/lie I started a different approach. For the last year I have tried (sucessfully I might add) to cut myself off from any and all social gatherings or events with My sons father, the OW, the mutual friend, and the neighborhood families/couples that we over the last 10 years have become accustomed to. I know the other families/neighbors are questioning whats wrong with me, where am I, what am I up to? No one understands whats going on. If the OW or my sons' father are attending I simply have something better to do. I never stop my son from attending these functions/gathering with his father or the OW & her son. How could I? My son just doesn't understand. "Come on Mom -just come for me!" he says. I understand him but I just can't! I am so disgusted with my son's father I can't even look him in the face not to mention his eyes. When I've tried my mind isn't focused on the conversation I just start my own dialog in my head - "Who are you, What are you, How could you, stay away,go away, I don't know you, I don't care, I could care less what you are saying, when will you get out of here, who cares!". The mutual friend tried to get the OW & I together at first..but after the first year she finally got it that I was done with the OW. I thought my friendship could continue since this mutual friend has a son 10 years and my son is also best friends with him. But lately I am angered at her too for covering up and continuing to support this affair. They were friends first and have a long history as nursing students so I guess I shouldn't expect any different result. The OWs' husband to my knoweledge is unaware of the affair. He is a police detective. He still gets together with my son's father for father son fishing trips and allows his wife to go with my son's father on outings. Because I always went along I'm sure I was the cover for their affair. Now for the last year with my absence maybe he'll catch on. The husband has dropped his son off to play but has never asked me why I have'nt come over for the last year. I used to be a regualar on Friday, Saturday nights, and come over for coffee on Sunday mornings for years. If he only knew. I have a real problem with this too. I was/am angered at everyone that ever knew that my son's father was having an affair and did'nt have the decency to tell me. I could have made changes/choices so long ago. But no- no one said a thing. I struggled the first year in silence and now the second year too. But this year is different. I am so angered at myself for not saying something to the husband. I am such a hypocrite!! I can't figure if I'm afraid of the husbands actions to my sons' father-cops & guns and all!, or if I'm more afraid of my sons' father downmouthing me in front of his son, acting out angrily at his son, coming here and causing me hardship, and so on...I'm seeing my son affected by this lie, my relationship with him is changing for the worse. It seems like I'm not able to hold everything together anymore. I'm not the same person who just goes along with the flow anymore. I do not have formal child support. He bought the house that my son & I reside in and he pays the mortgage & taxes as his informal form of support. I am working on selling some personal items to afford a lawyer and file for child support. I need help now with visitation issues. Since I don't go along anymore he has for the last two years screwed up any & all of my holidays and outings. He thinks he can come along, thinks he should be invited, walks into the house anytime he wants -he is so in control. I want that to stop! My son had a melt down a couple month ago. His father bought him a cell phone for Christmas and calls him regularly. One morning he saw he had a missed call & called his father back. His father gave him the riot act about how he didn't buy the phone for him just to play games on and take pictures. My son was in tears as his father talked to him. My son hung up the phone and started yelling "I wish I never got this F phone. I want to throw it in the garbage. Its all your fault mom! If we were living under one roof like my friends do with their dads then I wouldn't have to answer these phone calls. You need to make this right!" I told him that it wasn't possible. And that maybe we could go speak to a counselor at church to help us understand this. His response was "No, you go, you just fix this!" I kept him home from school that day. I did not tell his father. Kids are smart. Maybe he already knows. I know this was very wordy - If you've gotten to this point I thank you for taking the time to read this and am looking forward to your advise. Especially with regards to my sons' and my relationship. We used to be so close and happy. Twenty years of spinning. All by my self. Can you help?
I have been with my son's (11 yr. old)) father for a little over twenty years. I was 25 he was 37 then. We lived seperately and then tried to live together before my son was born. I caught him in a relationship with a 21 yr. old. Said it was a one night stand. A year later she was still around. I forgave, we made up, and then my son was born. When my son was 1 1/2 yrs old I told his father either we get married or I was finished with the relationship. We lived 55+ miles apart and I would work all week then pack for the weekends and go to his house and play the happy family. In a Dec. month he said we would get married in June. Well Aug. arrived and I told him to take a hike I was finished. He showed up at my house with a wedding band. Said to me "I know I told you we would do IT in Jun " He could'nt even say the word "marry". I fell for it though. The ring didn't even fit. I still have it & never bothered to get it sized!! I was a single mom till my son was five. His father kept encouraging me to quite my job and come move in with him. So I did. I wanted my son to get into school and stay with his friends. I didn't want him shuffled from one school to the next because his parents could get their stuff together. So we moved in with his father. "His father said it was the happiest day of his life". Within two months I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life. He was so verbally/physically at times abusive to me. I couldn't figure it out. What had changed??? It didn't work out and I suffered alot for about two years until I left with my son. I sacrificed everything I had, and everything I was to this man, was forgiving and all along he lied and cheated. With-in a couple months of leaving during a visit I came across an e-mail to him titled NOTHING - so I read it. It said "Just wanted to tell you I love you. OW"
That OW was my best friend and her son is my sons' best friend. My son calls her Auntie. (I've repeatedly asked him to just call her by name. I explained to him he was getting older now and maybe that would be embarrassing to him so just call her by her name.) A mutual friend of the OW & mine confessed she had known all along and that it had been going on for years-She asked me "Did'nt I see something going on?" I responded "No- I had'nt. How could I think such a thing of a friend.!" At first I was dumb founded and acted as though I didn't care. I was done with him. If she was foolish after everything I had confessed to her, as a lady friend, to want him- so be it. The OW & I have never spoken of this subject. She knows I know. End of story with her. Before anyone knew I knew we went out of town (as usual together) to a water park with just the OW (no husband) and her kids (she has an 8 yr. old daughter too). On our way home we stopped in a town for lunch. He was so rude to me the whole weekend and so sweet with her I left the table and went outside when I finished eating and he followed heckling me. So I asked him "Why do you have to be so mean to me? What had I done to deserve this? Aren't you content enough with your affair? He acted dubmfounded. What was I talking about? I said I read the e-mail titled Nothing-his response was " What the f do you care when was the last time you touched me?" The OW and the kids came out of the restaurant the father & I were silent and we have never mentioned the affair again. I tried to maintain the NORMAL social life my son and I had become accustomed to. It only worked for so long. After a year of waking up in the middle of the night with nasty dreams, waking up to the constant mind chatter of the ugly situation, and the torture of living this secret/lie I started a different approach. For the last year I have tried (sucessfully I might add) to cut myself off from any and all social gatherings or events with My sons father, the OW, the mutual friend, and the neighborhood families/couples that we over the last 10 years have become accustomed to. I know the other families/neighbors are questioning whats wrong with me, where am I, what am I up to? No one understands whats going on. If the OW or my sons' father are attending I simply have something better to do. I never stop my son from attending these functions/gathering with his father or the OW & her son. How could I? My son just doesn't understand. "Come on Mom -just come for me!" he says. I understand him but I just can't! I am so disgusted with my son's father I can't even look him in the face not to mention his eyes. When I've tried my mind isn't focused on the conversation I just start my own dialog in my head - "Who are you, What are you, How could you, stay away,go away, I don't know you, I don't care, I could care less what you are saying, when will you get out of here, who cares!". The mutual friend tried to get the OW & I together at first..but after the first year she finally got it that I was done with the OW. I thought my friendship could continue since this mutual friend has a son 10 years and my son is also best friends with him. But lately I am angered at her too for covering up and continuing to support this affair. They were friends first and have a long history as nursing students so I guess I shouldn't expect any different result. The OWs' husband to my knoweledge is unaware of the affair. He is a police detective. He still gets together with my son's father for father son fishing trips and allows his wife to go with my son's father on outings. Because I always went along I'm sure I was the cover for their affair. Now for the last year with my absence maybe he'll catch on. The husband has dropped his son off to play but has never asked me why I have'nt come over for the last year. I used to be a regualar on Friday, Saturday nights, and come over for coffee on Sunday mornings for years. If he only knew. I have a real problem with this too. I was/am angered at everyone that ever knew that my son's father was having an affair and did'nt have the decency to tell me. I could have made changes/choices so long ago. But no- no one said a thing. I struggled the first year in silence and now the second year too. But this year is different. I am so angered at myself for not saying something to the husband. I am such a hypocrite!! I can't figure if I'm afraid of the husbands actions to my sons' father-cops & guns and all!, or if I'm more afraid of my sons' father downmouthing me in front of his son, acting out angrily at his son, coming here and causing me hardship, and so on...I'm seeing my son affected by this lie, my relationship with him is changing for the worse. It seems like I'm not able to hold everything together anymore. I'm not the same person who just goes along with the flow anymore. I do not have formal child support. He bought the house that my son & I reside in and he pays the mortgage & taxes as his informal form of support. I am working on selling some personal items to afford a lawyer and file for child support. I need help now with visitation issues. Since I don't go along anymore he has for the last two years screwed up any & all of my holidays and outings. He thinks he can come along, thinks he should be invited, walks into the house anytime he wants -he is so in control. I want that to stop! My son had a melt down a couple month ago. His father bought him a cell phone for Christmas and calls him regularly. One morning he saw he had a missed call & called his father back. His father gave him the riot act about how he didn't buy the phone for him just to play games on and take pictures. My son was in tears as his father talked to him. My son hung up the phone and started yelling "I wish I never got this F phone. I want to throw it in the garbage. Its all your fault mom! If we were living under one roof like my friends do with their dads then I wouldn't have to answer these phone calls. You need to make this right!" I told him that it wasn't possible. And that maybe we could go speak to a counselor at church to help us understand this. His response was "No, you go, you just fix this!" I kept him home from school that day. I did not tell his father. Kids are smart. Maybe he already knows. I know this was very wordy - If you've gotten to this point I thank you for taking the time to read this and am looking forward to your advise. Especially with regards to my sons' and my relationship. We used to be so close and happy. Twenty years of spinning. All by my self. Can you help?

Hugs.
I have a 8yo son. His dad cheated when I was pregnamt with him and was physically and mentally abusive. I left. He is now married to the OW and is physically and emotionally abusive of her.
My advice is document everything you can. Print old emails, try to remember dats of his abuse including cheating.
The courts should back you. Many states have a branch of the court that looks out for the child's welfare. Begin to work with them and document abusive incidents between your son and his dad, like the phone one.
Take care of yourself, eat right, keep your self esteem in tact through this.
Another important thing. Until the courts assign visitation schedules (maybe even supervised) keep distance from the man. He is trouble to your mind, body and heart. Distance will help you keep a level head.
Begin doing some things that you know he won't do. Make new friends that don't know him. This will help the time pass and help you gain emotional distance from the situation so you can heal.
Take care. You are going through a very tough time. You and your son can heal. You are also not alone. You might try a womens shelter for a free counsellor. They can help. :) I been there, It's all good. Empowering, positive.
Welcome to the board faith12007,
Make your son go to the church for counseling with you. He may not want to but he would be the best thing for you. Maybe you should go first by yourself and explain everything and see what they advice about when your son should come.
Then file for divorce from husband and file for child support and child custody.
I also agree with the previous poster to document everything.
Best of luck to you.
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