Help Me Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2007
Help Me Please
7
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 8:58pm

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 4 years now. I met her when I was in highschool, at the age of 17. I currently 21 and well things are not so well.

She came from an emotionally and physically abusive relationship before me with a guy who now she has a restraining order against. Anyways, we are both premedical students and I decided to attend my state school for her when deciding what schools to chose (I really wanted to go away to Boston University but i stayed at my home state)

I was 17 and not very popular in highschool...i played 3 sports and worked at a restaurant during weekend nights. I did not do much partying at that time, I had friends but I did not hang out with them much. I lost 50lbs in highschool and come my senior year I met my girlfriend. She also went to my highschool but graudated and was attending out state school.

The summer before she sounded like she was on and off with her ex of four years...she even miscarried with his baby. But she met me and we started going out (our 1st date he broke in to her parents house and found us together...she then got a restraining order). We started the relationship and everything was fine...it was great for a few months. I got upset because she was talking to some kid that she had a history with actually 2 kids, and from the sound of it they were not 'just friendly' conversations...i was also talking to a girl i met in canada. I told her my password to my email...i dont know why, i just figured i was open and i just did. Anyways, she went in and found out we were talking and demanded that I stop talking to her...i said alright as long as she does not talk to these two guys that continually sound like they are trying to get with her.

I had no problem with her having true guy friends. Anyways, while I was going out with her...she became really angry when I spoke about other girls when I talked to her. She was upset even when I mentioned a girls name. She also was upset when we had a female waitress and i looked at her directly in her eyes for too long?? This is in the first 6 months. She said I was too observant..and I said maybe I was?? I did not really understand why she was upset, but I just moved on and treated it normally. Anyways, as we got more and more serious she became more possesive and started accusing me of liking girls every time i mentioned them. Slowly I started talking less and less about them.

After we slept together she started to get really possesive, and stared at my eyes to see what I was looking at all the time...she accused me of looking at every single girl that came in my field of vision...mind you that I did not check out girls..im serious girls from ages 12-55 she would get mad throw fits and ruin dates...time and time again. I honestly do not know why i stayed except that I loved her and did not know what was normal.

We became extremely busy in college (especially me). Oh and she did not like me going to the gym because there were girls there and so I stopped doing that, in return she said she would not go clubbing. I did not want her going clubbing because she told me what goes on there with guys and girls and her getting hit on and people grabbing her butt...so I said i did not appreciate her going. That was not an even trade but whatever. Because we were so busy with studies and work on the weekend, we fought but would push it aside. We only saw each other, and she saw her friend and went out to eat with them once in a while. My whole life revolved around her, in college I called her after my class ended and she called me after her class ended. We went to the same school and had 1 class together, where she accused me of liking some really ugly girl and had me go up to her while she yelled at her for looking at me and then said I was taken basically. It was really weird and awkward but it happened.
She then had to transfer to another college for reasons I will not go into, but it was down the street.

She was really having a tough time because she was forced to transfer and I was with her supporting her throughout. We were each others support system I guess. But once she started at her new school she came to hate me because I went to the state school we had gone together too. We broke up for 2 months, and were on and off from January-March. Maybe because she was transferring, but I did not know what she did during that time. And I guess I will not know. I had wisdom teeth taken out and she did not care too much and did not come visit me afterward.
We got back together and things were the same way as usual and we were together.

I got accepted to a medical school during my sophomore year (her junior year) that she was not able to apply to because she tranferred. That meant that I did not have to take the admissions test for medical school and she did that summer, because she was studying all summer I decided to take a class and keep myself busy. I did not go out much at all. I was allowed to workout...i had to buy a home gym ($1000) so I could workout in my house. But that summer I argued that I wanted to workout. I got to workout at my local college gym and no where else.

She studied all summer and I kept myself busy. I went out with my family about 4 times the entire summer, and hung out with my friend once to see a movie. While I was studying she would not go out because she said she felt bad that I was studying while she was out and about...thus it became like that for myself.

Anyways, as the timeline continues. She did not do well on her entrance exam and had to retake the exam. She decided to take a year off because she not want to study for the exam and take classes at the same time. I kept myself really busy taking 5 classes and working for most of college and anytime inbetween I spent with her. She was busy but not as busy as I was. I started taking undergrad classes at the school I got accepted to medical school early this year and I began to realize all of college I did not have many friends...i did not socialize and I did not enjoy my time in college, no partying, no clubbing, no friends circle was so ever. I decided I wanted to go to a danceshow that my friend invited me to. I knew there were going to be girls dancing there so I knew that I could not invite her. I did not know what to do, I was really just tired of being so isolated and I even mentioned this to her but she did not listen. Unforunatley, I lied to her and told her I had class/review at night. She knew something was up because that was a bad lie on a thurs night to tell her I had class at 8-10. Anyways, she ended up coming to my school with her mom and waited outside my car. I told her this big huge lie that I forgot my cell phone in class and came back and all of this... She broke down...i was really scared to tell her what to do. She called my mom to ask if I came home that night and went back, she facebooked like 50 students in my class that I did not even know asking if there was a review session that day, she emailed my professor, and confronted me with all of this material. I told her where I went and she wanted to break up with me. After I told her she did not believe me so she facebooked all members of the dance team and asked if I was there, she got an answer finally after harassing these people.

During this time, I did not know what was going on. I felt horrible for lying...i just wanted to be more social. I had no idea what was going on. Now any chance of being potentially having friends was gone because well...the people that did know me probably do not want to associate with me after being harassed for meeting me once and the people that did not know me probably think i am really weird/are talking about me.

Anyways, my girlfriend is having a breakdown trying to get in touch with someone to see where I was and what I was doing. I did not want to go out with her because this was crazy...i knew I lied but this was pushing it. I told her I was sorry for lying to her. We were arguing the whole month and it was not good, I did not want to deal with her and I had final exams and exams to study for. I pushed her out...she got drunk, had a nervous breakdown and was crying all the time. I just did not want to deal with this anymore. We had a cell phone plan, I told her to take my off. she use to highlight all the phone numbers she did not know and call them when I was on a joint plan with her and she would receive the bill (she did this for 3 years!). I got off of it because that was a tie for us to be together, I did not want to be with her.

She came to my house one day, and told me she had a facebook acount. She forbade me to have a facebook account for the past 3 years because she said it was trashy and for singles to meet and all of this stuff. I asked her to log into the account because she was saying that all these guys were hitting on her while she was trying to get information about my whereabouts. I asked her to log in and show me nothing was going on because she said people were trying to hook her up. She logged on and I saw she had all of these guy friends some from highschool and some from college I had no idea of!!! She said she created one only in that month to see what was going on, but she had once since august of 2006. I had no idea what to think...this was a shock. She said she added all the guys after I lied to her. And I did just bugged because I felt I was being played. I broke up with her and she came begging me to be with her. I said no and did not talk to her for a week because I needed time, I was with my family during this time for a few nights just hanging out trying to have fun.

She was then angry at me. I called her and she said she wanted to screw 6 guys and named them. She told me I was not the only hot guy in the state of our race. She named 6 guys...and she said she already screwed one! I did not know what to do...i told her stop saying theese things but she just kept saying more cruel things to me.

She was not there for my 21st and I was not there for her college graduation. After her graduation she came to my house and we said we would give it a chance again. I worked fulltime during the summer and saw her everyday and we tried to get things back to normal. I joined the gym...but that caused a problem...and by mid summer after her storming in to see if I was working out she said I could not go because the girls were 'dressed like sluts' i reasoned with her and said alright i will go at 6 AM before work when not many people workout. After my membership this summer I could not rejoin.

She is now taking her year off studying and I have a easier senior year because I have been working so hard my first 3 years. I started a facebook account...she has big problems with it because she said she did not want me talking to girls on the internet. She deactivated her after all of the things that were said, I did not interogate her about everyone on her friend list. But I started it and it caused a huge fight this past thanksgiving. She has been coming to my parents house and demanding I come outside and talk to her, and usually it ends up in a huge fight with things I say that are wayy out of line because I feel controlled and her saying the same. She does not understand when I need space...she forces me to come outside...she has grabbed me by the neck when I try to walk out of the car. This past thanksgiving after I brought her food because she was just studying...she came to my house and demanded I come outside in her car and talk to her or else she was going to bang on my door and come in and get my parents involved. I go outside and we talk, I tell her she is embarassing me. I left her house because she made me log into my facebook account (i say I am in a relationship but not with her specifically because I have relatives around the world and I do not want them knowing my business) and she thinks it is because I am embrassed of her. I tried adding her as a friend but she refused because she did not want me to see who was on her list. Anyways, I called her a psycho and she lost it and started driving like a maniac. I jumped out of the car, she grabbed my jacket and slipped out of it and ran out of the car. I ran home in a white t shirt and PJs with dress shoes on in sub 30 degree weather...because i did not want to deal with her nonsense. I have no idea what to do anymore.

I am suppose to go to europe with her, during my semester off. I did not travel abroad because of her.
I have friends now...they go to bars and play pool, they drink, I drink, but I am not allowed to go. I do not lie to my girlfriend anymore...but she says I can not go because her friends have invited her hundreds of times and she did not go. That is what my friends go to do...go to the bar and drink. She is studying right now, and says that is not what guys in relationships do...go out to bars.

I have no idea what to do anymore! I feel like I am isolated, my friends have invited me to go drinking with them...and I can not do it because there are going to be girls there. I do not know....this cant be healthy. Is it me? I know other people in long term relationships that can go out and have a few drinks with thier boys and have girls there and it be no problem...have girls as friends on thier facebook account and there be no problem...why am I in this.

I see my cousins facebook account and he went to boston where i wanted to go and he knows hundreds and hundreds of people. He participates in all of these cultural activities, went to study abroad...why can i not do that? Why am I in this relationship? She cries all the time...like literally balls her eyes out and I am so jadded that I just do not care anymore...all I think about when she argues with me about facebook is the guys she said she wanted to screw because they were hot, i see the kid she thought was so hot in my class everyday and he sits right in front of me and i hold in all my anger but I hate her for the things she said and how she is controlling me. I get so angry, and I am not an angry person. She comes from a hostile family with her father swearing at her since she was a child and to this date...i have no idea what to do...i am now swearing at her because I have all this anger and this is not me...

Someone please give me some advice...sorry for the long post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 8:55am

I think you know deep down what you need to do. You are in an abusive relationship. Anyone who goes to the extreme of contacting your prof, people in your class, etc. to find out your whereabouts has serious issues that need to be resolved. You can not possibly have a healthy relationship with someone this controlling and needy.

You mentioned she grabbed your neck on one occasion, and that you found yourself trying to get out of a car. This will only get worse. It is already escalating to physical contact which WILL get worse as time goes on. A grab, then a hit, etc.

You sound lonely and you have been restricted in your ability to make friends. This is a HUGE red flag and also indicator of abuse. You should be 'allowed' to make friends. You should be 'allowed' to go out and have fun without your GF. You should be 'allowed' to go to the gym.

Personally, I think you need to end this relationship which will be very hard to do. You need to for your own safety and sanity. I'm not sure how stable she is, you may need to consider a restraining order if she harasses you. Good luck.

Edited 11/25/2007 8:58 am ET by lovemykidlets




Edited 11/25/2007 10:11 am ET by lovemykidlets
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 8:57am

I am sorry you have to go through this. Her behavior is completely out of control. You are a smart, intelligent guy and I know you know what you have to do in this situation. She is dragging you down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 2:58pm

Welcome to the board thisishard007,


You are in an abusive relationship, just like the others pointed out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 4:32pm

She is not your GF, she is your jailer.


One of the things I require in a partner is mental and emotional stability. It's non-negotiable. Your GF is not emotionally or mentally stable.


There is only one thing you should do, and that is beak up with her and cut off all contact. You can't cure her, and she is only dragging you down and bringing out your worst side. This is not how relationships are supposed to be, and most women do not act like her.


"i hold in all my anger but I hate her for the things she said and how she is controlling me."


She is controlling you only with your permission.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2007
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 4:33pm

Thank you all for your replies. I am really depressed right now... Yesterday my friend asked me to go to the movies and then out to play pool at a bar. I said alright, called my girlfriend and told her and she replied..."It's going to be at a bar." and I said so what? And she says that she has had a millions times where she could have gone to the bar and then started saying all her friends boyfriends do not go to the bar...what is wrong with me...
She said if I go thenn we are over and she started crying...I got so angry....i told her fine i would not go but she still kept yelling at me and complaining over and over...then i started swearing because i could not take it anymore...

I told her that i was not going and any normal person would shut the f*** up, but you keep going on and on about nothing...now just stop talking and go read. She kept calling me every hour to check up on me, and then called me for help. I was really rude to her...i told her to stop calling me and give me space. I hate feeling controlled... She then calls me at 9 30 and tells me she took a shower and that I should come over...i tell her no i need my space. She starts yelling at me again and trying to keep me on the phone. It gets to the point where she calls my house phone and my parents come home...and they go to sleep...and I can not have then involved with prank calls because she always pranks my house whenever i dont pick up my cell phone. Anyways, I told her that I basically hated her for controlling me. She told me that she is tired of the way I treat her and that for girls that have half the pesonality and half the beauty as her get treated a hundred times better than her.

I do not treat her well anymore...i really do not. Because I can not take the constant arguments, she does this with her friends too everything is an argument. I have been with her for 4 years and it is really hard to just break up with her. After calming down yesterday I called her back and she did not pick up the phone..i am assuming she went out with her friends...and there i was sitting home alone on a saturday night...while i could not go out and she could go out.

It is not normal how she emailed everyone and facebook them...but in the end I was lying so I am the a$$hole in that situation. It was abnormal to the length that she went but I lied to her and I feel really bad for lying. What I am trying to say is...these past 4 years were critical for me to grow...and i grew with her...and i do not know how to break up with her. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I know that I can not carry on living life like this anymore. She has gotten counseling and things have gotten better, but I can not get over the fact that she told me that she wanted to screw 6 guys that I knew. One of which I have to look at everyday I go to class because he sits right in front of me. I have grown more and more distant from her...and i hate her for what she put me through...but she is all I know...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 5:04pm


Why in the world did you call and tell her?? Most people don't report their every move to their GFs/BFs or even their

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 6:24pm

Be willing to be the bad guy.... it doesn't matter what she says about you.