HELP ME PLEASE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
HELP ME PLEASE!
7
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 4:04pm
Hi, my name is Alex. I don't come here often but when I do I get great advice and I really need it now. I need help. Actually I think I just need to vent, and I don't really want to talk to anyone I know about this. So here's my situation.. any comments or advice would be appreciated.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years now. We're both 19, he's in first year

university and I'm going to start university in September. We're a good couple.. we have

plenty of fights and don't agree on a bunch of things, but we always talk it out and make it better. It's been a good 2 years, and I guess we both see ourselves together in the future. However, lately I've been having so many doubts. I don't know why.. every fight we have nowadays makes me cry. He lives an hour away due to school, and so we see eachother on the weekends only. I guess I look forward to our time together and I build it up in my mind, and when something goes wrong I get very upset. There's a lot of little things that bug me about him. He's pretty irresponsible; he rarely goes to class and does his homework, but he gets by in school. He stays up all night and sleeps in late in the day, when I wnat to do something. He's not very romantic, and I guess we've gotten too comfortable together. He says he's very busy right now and I understand that. But I don't know.. I've never doubted our future so much. If his irresponsibility and laziness carry on into our adult life, I don't want to worry about everything myself. Paying bills, cleaning, doing the groceries... the way he is now he'll never do any of that.

I'm getting ahead of myself.. that's not even my problem. I'm working right now, to make

money for university. There's this guy at work... this has not happened to me ever while

with someone. I have a huge crush on this guy. And it seems he likes me too. We flirt

and we hang out (with a group of friends), but I'm finding it harder and harder to resist

him. I would never cheat on my boyfriend. But I just don't know.. should I give this

time and let it pass? Maybe it's just an infatuation? Maybe it's just because I'm

finally getting attention from a guy, since my bf doesn't really do that anymore? Or are all these things combined telling me that I need to end it? We've been together so long, it just seems like my world would fall apart without him. I've been so sure that we're

meant to be.. but we're still so young. WHAT SHOULD I DO!? Should I talk to my bf about

this? Should I wait it out? Am I limiting myself? Or am I just freaking out because

we're going through a rough patch? PLEASE HELP ME :( This crush has been going on for about a week only... but it's getting worse. HELP.

Sorry about the long post.

- Alex

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: alex_s13
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 4:18pm
Why not go for a walk with your bf and tell him - you know someone has been flirting with me lately and it's made me realize how much I like the attention, but I want the attention to come from our relationship. Can we work on 'dating' and flirting with each other so we both feel loved, attractive, etc.

And see what he says.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alex_s13
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 4:27pm
alex...

It doesn't take a "rocket scientist" to figure out the fact that you're not very happy with your current b/f, living arrangement and life in general.

At 19...you should be experiencing all sorts of phases...not the one you're locked into.

If your current b/f upsets you now...what do you think is gonna happen if the 2 of you decided to get married? And even worse...what if YOU or HE cheated?

How about finding your own place (perhaps with a girlfriend) and give yourself some breathing room? Your crush on the new man could be a reflex action...or it might be more serious than you think? But at the moment...you can't explore either possibility because you're involved a committed relationship with somebody else.

Ask yourself one question....can you be a grown-up woman at 19 and survive on your own? Or do you need to have a man around to complete your life? If you can arrive at an honest answer, I'll bet you'll know what the next step in your "life journey" will be? GOOD LUCK!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: alex_s13
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 4:52pm
'There's a lot of little things that bug me about him.'

Can you imagine what this will be like if you are living with or near him?

'Maybe it's just an infatuation?'

Does it matter what you call it? You are atrtacted to someone and it is affecting you. It wouldn't if you were happy with your boyfriend and satisfied in the relationship. Do you really want to stay with your boyfriend or is it just a habit/you want to be in a relationship and aren't looking at the big picture?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: alex_s13
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 5:26pm
I agree with Piano Guy and Gina. You are much too young to young to be worrying about a future with anybody at the moment. I know that boyfriend problems at your age seem so serious and can be very painful. I know you were trying to be positive but the relationship with your current BF sounds like a drag. If you aren't content now you should never marry the guy. Mr. Right will show up when he is supposed to you don't have to worry about that. If you decide to break up with the BF, go out with the crush. You should be having fun at this time in your life.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
In reply to: alex_s13
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 6:11pm
Thank you all so much for your quick responses.

I guess the general consensus is that I should follow what I'm feeling because I'm still young and I can't possibly know what my future holds just yet.

My biggest fear though, is that if I break up with my bf and then perhaps go for this crush of mine, I'll realize it was the biggest mistake of my life. What if this is just a phase? I just don't get why it's becoming so hard to control. I know I made the relationship sound pretty bad but it's also amazing. We just have our ups and downs... and it's been a fairly long down lately. But we've gotten through rough stuff before. ARGH! This is strange and depressing. Thank you all very much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: alex_s13
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 6:47pm
The grass is not greener. If you break up with your bf for anyone else, chances are it won't work out. Because you haven't completely learned what you need and want in a relationship and haven't figured out how to express it to your partner.... meaning, you get the new guy, everything is great, until you get comfortable, his attention wanders to other things (life in general, building a career) and his focused attention is not on you, you will find yourself back in the same situation you find yourself in now.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: alex_s13
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 7:13pm
'I'll realize it was the biggest mistake of my life. '

How can it be a mistake when yo uaren't happy, you spend a lot of time fighting and crying and yo uare attractd to someone else? Regardless of having another guy waiting in the wings, this isn't the long term relationship for you.