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Help me save my relationship!
| Thu, 07-12-2007 - 11:52am |
We've had this same argument so many times that he told me last night that if we can't solve it, we should move on. I don't even know what sprung the argument... I freaked out at him and I am unsure why I did that. We live relatively far apart, so we only see each other once a week.. we've compromised and now we'll see each other twice a week. Anyway. So, I'm worried that the BIG fight (from a couple that NEVER fights, literally.. I can count on one hand how many fights we've had... including the one last night) wasn't isolated to just not seeing each other so much, which I didn't even REALIZE was my problem until I started freaking out at him about it. I'm glad we're seeing each other more, but I don't know that it'll solve the issue. We've been together a little over a year, and if you had asked me a week ago whether or not I thought we'd be together forever, I wouldn't have hesitated to say ABSOLUTELY. But now, I'm worried we're heading for a break up. :-( HELP!

You say 'We've had this same argument so many times that he told me last night that if we can't solve it, we should move on.'
and then you say 'from a couple that NEVER fights, literally.. I can count on one hand how many fights we've had.
Which is it? And which does he believe it is?
Honestly I am unclear as to what the arguement is.
I thinking the very same thing. I have to laugh at couples who seem to think its not healthy to fight. Its unhealthy to bottle things up and not talk about your feelings...thats when you "freak out" and hit the partner over the head bc they have no idea where its coming from. DH & I used to get ppl telling we fought too much when he first moved in, that we wouldn't make it. I knew that was completely untrue bc a) we never called each other names, b) we always talked it out to a resolution and c) I knew alot of it was adjustment from living alone for many years. Within a year, everything calmed down and we rarely fight now...bc we have learned to communicate with each other & talk about our feelings w/o fighting (but lets face it - thats easier said than done when you are feeling lots of emotions!!).
My guess on the arguments would be: she's feeling insecure about the distance they live apart (he may have cheater on her or a previous r/ship) and/or she's upset that the r/ship isn't moving forward and doesn't want a 2x/week bf anymore (she wants more).
Either way, you can't force someone to be/want what you want. Thats why r/ships work better when you are both on the same page :)
Dee
I apologize. Let me clarify.
Almost all of the time, I feel like I struck gold with my boyfriend. He's not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, and there is a nice list of things I definitely do not like about him, but overall, he's the best guy I've ever known. <3 <3 <3
For me, a relationship that has any amount of distance to it was NEW to me. I'd never dated anyone more than eight blocks away from me (I live in the city), so now to have to travel quite far to see my boyfriend and actually MAKE PLANS to see him, rather than just showing up whenever, or bumping into each other at the coffeehouse.. was new to me.. and it took me a lot of getting used to in the beginning. That's when the majority of the fighting happened. The last girl he dated was 2 hours from him, so seeing me on a semi-regular basis was new to him too, so we had to make a lot of compromises between the two of us. He had to move a way that he wasn't used to and so did I.
Anyway, once we found our niche, I was okay with it. It took a few months, but I thought it was worth the effort, so I worked at it with him and it was fine.
No one cheated on anyone. We're both very monogamous.
so, what happened was this...
We were talking about the month of August, which will be unique because my sister and her family are coming to stay for the entire month. They live very far away and I never get to see them. Both he and I assumed that I'd be spending the majority of my time with them. He said something to me about it, a comment he considered "passing", but one that I took very personally. He said that we'd just see each other every other week. He actually said later that he wasn't telling me, rather he was wondering to me outloud. I took offense to it right away, and thought one of two things was going on. 1. He was trying to get out of seeing me. or 2. He was assuming that I would not take care of my relationship. I also felt like by him assuming that I would just not see him during the time my sister was here meant that he didn't want to meet her, or be apart of any of our activities while she'll be in town.
Anyway, this just escalated into some other things that neither of us had thought of, or were maybe consciously aware of, that were had to consider. Like, why would I have assumed any of this to be the case? And what was his intention of "wondering outloud" those things?
Anyway, so this was out first fight in a long time. I suppose I should have known it was coming, since all couples fight and we were probably long over due. But the reason that this was unique is because it's the same fight we were having months ago, over and over again. The first few months of adjusting were HARD. And we just past our one-year mark, and I wonder if now we're just facing all new trials.
First, after a year I would hope he could just ask you outright what the "plan" is...but I suspect he was just trying to prompt you to tell him what will be happening in August. It's your sister, your activities, etc...how could he decide?
The troubling thing is this: he worded it in a negative way "guess I'll only see you once a week" and you automatically took it in the negative, "he doesn't want to see me as much." You could have taken it as, "hey, he's starting to worry about how much time he'll get to spend w/me. The shoe is on the other foot now."
What that tells me - is that you are both "still wondering" about stuff and not sure. I think you need to start having some of those dreaded r/ship talks so you both are sure of where you/what you are doing here. You don't have to make plans or set anything in stone...but you can feel each other out and about where they stand. For instance, you could talk about whether either one of you is/will be a situation to move (of course, you'd be thinking closer to each other but you don't have to define things that way yet), or how long ppl date before moving in (again, could be a general rule of thumb not a plan for this r/ship if you aren't here yet). And just bc ppl answer these questions a certain doesn't mean anything in and of themselves...but it gets you talking and it gives each other more information about yourselves. I used to say I would never move in w/anyone before 2 yrs...yet DH & I moved in within 6 months. I am usually a cautious person (which is what that info showed DH) but our r/ship time was almost every night by then and it just made sense.
Good luck!
Dee
I'm not sure what your issue is. You said that seeing each other more won't solve the issue. What is the issue? You say you hardly fight, but you had a really big one last nite. Was it about seeing each other more? Do you want to be together less or more? I'm not clear.
However, this is clear, that in order to save any relationship it is important to calmly communicate with one another, open and honestly. Sit down together and talk your differences over. If you truly love and care for one another, you will arrive at solutions that take both of you into account. If there is something the two of you can't find the answer to, and you still care for each other, it's a good idea to get some counseling with a professional to help you get through a stuck place and see options you might not have seen before.
So, try to communicate openly together without making either of you wrong. Just talk. Just listen. If you can't get to the heart of it alone, go together for some couple counseling. You'll be happy that you did. Even if you don't stay with this person, you'll learn a lot about yourself and about building a healthy relationship for the future.
Best wishes,
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