help me save my relationship!
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help me save my relationship!
| Fri, 04-06-2007 - 3:28pm |
I am in a 10 year relationship with a beautiful, sweet woman who is also the mother of my 5 month old daughter. The problem is she is insanely jealous to the point of delusion & it's killing me & our relationship. What follows may seem like a long story, but for you to fully understand I will have to start at the beginning: We were introduced for a blind date at a local bar by a mutual friend. She was extremely beautiful & sweet but a bit shy & distant. Soon we got to know each other better and began to fall in love. A short time later I found out the hard way that she was a crack addict. She was one of triplets who were all addicted as well. Her father was a lying, cheating alcoholic (& has since died of liver damage). Her mother had taught her & her sisters that men were no good garbage, & her older brother had molested her (& probably her sisters too). Both sisters had married, been given children by and had been subsequently abandoned by 2 cheating, hoodlum type, criminal brothers. She began lying, stealing & disappearing to go on drug binges. By this time I was already emotionally attached & held onto hope that this could change. After about 2 years of suffering with her addiction (please understand that when she wasn't using we were very happy together) she finally agreed to check herself into a detox center & seek help. On the evening of her scheduled release she called me to tell me that she loved me & would see me in the morning, but the morning came & she disappeared again. Loving, caring & fearing for her safety I did my best to try & locate her only to find out through her family that she was with another guy somewhere in the Bronx. Her family was aware of her whereabouts but denied it to me. I was heartbroken. Crazy as it may seem, I did not give up & continued to search. I finally found her sick, tired & wasting away outside a crack spot in the Bronx. She told me that she was invited to party with a guy in the rehab & was unsure that I could really love her, so she went to him for the drugs. I reluctantly chose to trust her and took her back to Long Island to stay with me. The drug use & disappearances continued for a while until one day I found her at the nearest crack spot and delivered to her an ultimatum: that I loved her but could take no more, and would leave alone if forced. She chose to stay, and I left alone. She showed up at my home the next day & told me she didn't want to lose me & would do anything to stop the crack & save our relationship. Miraculously, somehow she quit cold turkey & never looked back. We began repairing our relationship & it was beautiful for a time. That was when the accusations started. Everywhere we went together she would accuse me of "gawking & lusting" after strange women, & it wasn't true. It didn't take long to recognize the pattern: she felt insecure about herself & her looks, despite my insistence that I loved her & found her extremely attractive, and would constantly seek out women in our general vicinity & assume I noticed too. I'm not perfect, & will occasionally notice a pretty woman, but will by no means stare, gawk or lust. It's just not my style. Very soon we could not leave the house together without an argument about who I was or wasn't looking at taking place. It got to the point where I would avoid looking in the general direction of any woman in fear of reprisal. Still it worsened. Next, I was supposedly lingering on TV channels that had girls on them, and she insisted that all I wanted to do was seek out asses to gawk at. An argument would ensue, & she'd say all kinds of baseless, horrible things seemingly just to hurt me, like calling me a "faggot", "dope addict" or even "gawking child molester" (none of which have any basis in reality). She'd threaten to sleep with other men, etc.. Things would cool down & be o.k. for another month or 2 until the whole horror show would begin anew. I have endured years of this because I love my fiance, and we share many beautiful moments of love & friendship together(although you wouldn't believe it while reading this). We live together in Florida now with our 5 month old baby girl, & we share the place with one of her sisters(also recovered from crack, but still crazy). They share the same type of thinking, believe all of each others nonsense unconditionally, & things are worse than ever. Because of the most recent bout of abuse & belittling, I live in what feels like a war zone. My fiance doesn't listen to a thing I say, hasn't slept with me in months, and treats me like the pig she thinks I am. A week ago I went on an internet porn site out of loneliness & frustration and was caught almost instantly. Tried to explain my feelings and reasoning but of course to no avail. I Know I was wrong for going there, but under the circumstances perhaps you can understand. Today I live in hell. She's out of her mind, kicks the emotional crap out of me 24-7, wants to take my daughter & leave. I desperately wish she could see me for who I really am, & not just as a figment of her fears & imagination. I fear for what will become of my daughter, who could be the next abuse target once i'm not around. Fiance believes all will be better once she leaves me, but I know her problems will follow her regardless unless she realizes she's got a problem & seeks some kind of help. I am absolutely devastated and at my wit's end. what can I do? Just leave & count my blessings? Give up now, 10 years & 1 child later? Please help. -Rockitman95

Welcome to the board,
Wow, you have been through a lot in the last ten years. It is obvious your fiance is in need of some serious counseling because of everything she went through. I also fear for your daugther in the event your fiance tries to leave her take her. If that happens, I think you have no choice to to find her and get full custody of your daughter. I imagine if your fiance left you she would return to the drugs again and your daughter would be in real danger. I wish you the best of luck.
glitter-graphics.com
Hi rockitman,
Without professional help this will not change. She may not go back to drugs, but her behavior is that of someone still living with addictive patterns. You cannot save her.
Just because it has been five years doesn't mean anything (not that it isn't great), but my dad is an alcoholic and was sober for 10 years before he started drinking again. It just takes one thing/one time to set them back.
glitter-graphics.com