help me save myself and my family

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
help me save myself and my family
3
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 5:23am
hi. i am new to this message board. i'm looking for, i don't know, not advice, really but help. i have been married for 7 years and have two kids. my husband is a really great man but is very busy with work. he is attentive to our children. unfortunately he's not a very romantic person. we always seem to have to plan time to have sex so there really isn't any spontinaeity and as a result it's not very satisfying. lately i have been chatting with other men online and it's tempting me to have an affair. in my heart i don't want to, but my body really does! i'm really very sad and disappointed in myself, but at the same time i'm feeling selfish. ever since we got married all i've been doing is sacrificing things that i want and am interested in for his career and for our kids. i'm afraid that i might do something that will devastate all our lives out of my desire for passion, attention, and some kind of identity outside of "mommy". i really don't know what to do, i've thought about talking to a counselor but i'm so ashamed and i always seem to need people to like me so i'm afraid i wouldn't tell a counselor the truth. the computer seems to be a better, more anonymous way to get help. so please, if anyone can help me, post a reply. thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 10:00am
allforthem9603...

Pianoguy got an instant flashback after reading your post twice. Except the situation was with an EX-WIFE who basically didn't have a great deal of passion before, during or after sex. While a lot of women are capable of "faking it"---it was pretty obvious that the EX didn't want to do that either!

But....

She worked very hard to make our house a home...was a great mom....took on an outside job...and did her best to keep everybody happy...even though she was as exhausted as you appear to be!

Adding to the complications was a husband (ME) who worked 2 (or 3) jobs...and didn't use the quality time that we could have been spent together...WISELY! In retrospect, I didn't realize things were so terrible until our marriage ended several years later. The signs were present...but we chose to ignore them.

Counselling WAS an option. But after some serious one-to-one conversations and a trip away from kids, jobs, and everything else for a few weeks, we also discovered that the love between us had just died! We also were honest when it came expressing "feelings" for other people who interested us.

Can YOU and YOUR HUSBAND take a little time away from EVERYBODY? Discussing your concerns for an hour or two at the end of a busy day isn't going to work! You really need to clear the air about each other's expectations...but in a relaxed, non-interrupted setting. Since it's obvious you AREN'T happy...and perhaps he ISN'T EITHER...the longer you can focus on each other (without distraction)...the easier it'll be to listen!

You didn't indicate how long you've been married nor how long "the temptation to cheat" has been inside your head. But before you go and do something stupid that might permanently mess up your family...you both need to get your feelings "on the table!" Just remember one thing...assuming your husband will "open up to you"...there might be a few issues on his side that might surprise you...and perhaps make you uncomfortable?

I hope you can work your problems out...together??

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 2:05pm
First, what were your dreams - make a list, then pick one to work on, to start again, one day a week if necessary, a day where you work on you, bring joy to your life, by doing something you've always wanted to do - a part time job, going back to school, something creative, something that channels this restless energy into something productive.

Does your husband have email? Start flirting with him. Tell him, I've had so much time on my hands and I ran across a few boards and I've noticed some guys flirting with me, it's made me realize that I like the attention and that I want to generate that between us. Be spontanious, etc. Do you think we can work on it together?

Reading material to consider:

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair by Lana Staheli

If he doesn't 'get it' be direct - I'm afraid I'm attentioned starved and afraid that I might do something I will regret if we don't get our marriage back on track.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 1:01am
Hey girl, even your handle tells that you give "all of you for them" leaving nothing left for you. Your not alone in the fact that millions of women are "pleasers" and will go above and beyond the call of duty to keep everyone happy until they flip out. The books mentioned in the previous email are a great start. I know you everyone to like you so you are agreeable to all--except you. I don't know what your finances are like but they have cruises that take the kids to play time while mom and dad can have time alone. Before you can plan an escape though you need to see if your husband will stop working so much and be willing to designate time for just you from time to time. Emailing him is good or write him a letter and mail it. Re write everything you wrote here only write it to him. Be sure to add that you love him and need his help. If he says he works so much for the family just tell him that seeing a loving relationship between mom and dad is the best message his kids will ever have. Right now the kids are learning that getting married means a life of slavery and seperation. Great message for children to grow up copying, right? You know what? Just sit him down when the kids go to bed and tell him to read this whole message thread. Let him read what you wrote and all the answers you got. It's scarey but still better then knowing you can never forgive yourself for doing something that will change your whole life for the worse.