Help me..Bf of 6 years wants space

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Help me..Bf of 6 years wants space
10
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 7:48am

Sorry so long, please read, i need help...I have been with my bf almost 6 years now. We have never broken up or seperated. Even when it seemed we were on the verge of ending things we never would, we were never able to imagine life without eachother so we always managed to work things out. We lived with my parents for 3 years and then we moved to our own house in Feb. 2008 (just 6 months ago) and we had to bring my parents in from the beginning bc my dad (who is 74 yrs old) lost his job. Ever since we moved into this house it has been a rollercoaster. We were arguing alot bc i felt he was hanging out with his friends wayy to much. He was also smoking everyday (if you know what i mean). Hes smoked since he was 15 but i noticed it had gotten worse, it was non stop, he seemed very stressed out. Im 23 yrs old, and hes 21, so we have been together very seriously since he was 16 yrs old and

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 10:44am

cr, I understand you're feeling sad and upset right now. But this isn't about you, this isn't about what he's doing to YOU - I know this is hard to understand and I can't expect you to not take it personally - he's confused because he doesn't have a clear picture of who HE is. When you are in a relationship, especially when you are young, it's easy to lose sight of who you are and fall into the feeling of being half a relationship. He's spent absolutely NO time in his adult life being single, learning about women, and experiencing who he is and who he's growing into. His personal growth is stunted by being in a serious relationship too long without really knowing who he is. How can he possibly know if he's the right one for you, and vice versa, if his picture of himself - who he is and what he wants/needs out of life - is not clear?

What do you do... The only thing you can do. Move your life forward, your world does not revolve around him, you are the sun in your own solar system and as long as that sun is there everything will fall into place. Spend a lot of time with other people, friends and family, take this time to do things you may not have thought of before. Fill your free time with lots of things and do not dwell on him. If you must... Think of this as an essential pivot point in your relationship. If he doesn't do this, you could NEVER have gone further with him. See the good that comes out of this even though it hurts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 1:37pm

Welcome to the board cr001985,


He's really not doing anything to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 4:56pm

It stinks that you have to go through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 6:41pm
I know this is hard, but he's not doing anything wrong. He tried his best, even you admitted that. But it's just not working. He's 21 and has been in the same relationship since he was 16. Everything he said makes total and complete sense. He's obviously in no position to get married. He wants to hang out and smoke weed everyday. And suggesting having a baby at 21 to 'fix' things, well. Wow. That just says it all, doesn't it? You need to end all contact with him as soon as possible and nix the hope that he'll come back. If he does, deal with how you feel when or IF that happens. But doing nothing but waiting around and praying for that day to come...you'll regret it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 1:53pm

Oh God !! I cant take this pain anymore. I need strength but i dont have it in me. I want him to come back to me soooo bad. Ive been going to

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 2:38pm

I want you to think about a few things - if he came back, how long would it be before he thought he had made a mistake?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 6:16pm

cr00, I want you to know I am sympathetic... And I'm not a community leader or moderator... But you now have several of the same posts across these boards, and the one you need to be on is "breaking up is hard to do". This is a board for saving relationships, and yours is over. I also want to suggest that you spend LESS time posting on these messageboards, because while you may feel it's cathartic to get your feelings out, it's only helping you to dwell on your feelings. I really think you need to be out of the house as much as possible. Being here is ultimately hurting you, there's no more advice to receive, you just need to take what you know and heal now.

I'm not saying I don't want to hear from you, but it hurts to see you dwelling on this when you should be out with other people and moving on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Sat, 09-13-2008 - 9:00pm

I know you are in agony - like many of us have been at one time or another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 4:16pm

If he came back, how long would it be before he thought he had made a mistake? I dont think he thinks its a mistake, i think he thinks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 7:29pm

At least you are thinking about those kinds of questions.