Help with MIL and Anger

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Help with MIL and Anger
4
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 8:53am

I got married about six months ago and my MIL was a bully, manipulative, controlling, and would not take no for an answer. My fiancé would not handle his mother or let me. His mom even had the nerve to verbally attack me on my wedding day. She wanted control over family pictures; said they did not have enough guests invited even though they invited 130; kept pushing to invite her alcoholic brother who threatened to kill her husband and son, came after me and pushed her down to the ground; kept pushing to invite children to the wedding even though my fiancé and I had chosen not to have children under ten at our wedding because it was a night wedding and to save money; the list goes on and on. The woman would not take no for an answer and still doesn’t. When my mom explained I was getting frustrated about wedding stuff and I wasn't a person who forgives easily, she puffed her chest up and said I am a hardheaded Czech woman and I always get what I want and started laughing.

After confronting his mother and talking to her trying to repair our relationship; all she had to say is everything was my fault and she is who she is. It was me and my husband that we being unreasonable. She blames other bad behavior on other people asking her to ask us. She couldn’t even fake an apology for her son. My DH wasn’t even upset by this. All he said was oh well that is my mom. I would be heartbroken is the situation was reversed and my mother treated him that way.

For these past six months we have had limited contact with her and his whole family; however we have worked out a plan for my contact with them and his.

My husband hasn't been perfect and not fully supportive, but I know he is trying. I know I haven't been and angel to live with these past six months. I am just so angry at him and his mother and some other family members. He is the only one who has taken responsibility and has asked for forgiveness. I know I am not innocent, but how do I move on and get over my anger at him and his mother and a few other family members? How do I learn to trust my husband not to let all the drama happen again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 12:19pm

Welcome to the board kittee81,


Sounds like the best thing for you is marriage counseling to help you let go of this anger. It also sounds like your husband is used to this type of behavior from his mother. Of course that doesn't make it right, but it seems like he has come to accept it. My bf's dad is really just a horrible, horrible mean old man. Bf and his brother and sisters have for the most part learned to except that this is who he is. Bf's sister in law has

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 12:40pm
Thanks for the advise and the support. I am trying to just laugh the things she does off, but it is hard sometimes. It would be easier if my husband wouldn't make excuses for the behavior. I think I am getting better though. I was just raised that there are consequences for your actions and there are none in this family. Thanks for your help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 1:44pm
Here's the thing; you knew she was a horrible woman when you married your husband. You knew that he was passive with regards to her. You can not change her or how she behaves. I think it is great that your husband is even making headway-working out a plan to deal with her. Why not give him kudos when he does support you, spend less time with her and stand up to her in any way????
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 3:14pm

To begin, it sounds as though this is a seriously disturbed, manipulative and toxic woman. So, it's good that you have created strong boundaries and do not see her often. Your husband is used to her, and may not fully realize how destructive and difficult she has been. However, you say he did apologize for her and that's very good. The great danger here for you, is that you should not take your anger with her out on him.


Her behavior arose to get in the way of your relationship and your happy marriage. Don't let her win. Don't let your anger with her spill over into your own life. Ideally, it would be wonderful if your husband could stand up to her better, but it does sound as though you are both keeping her at bay.


You do not have responsibility to interact with a woman who is acting out in such a toxic and aggressive way. If she crosses the line again, simply cut all relations with her. Your husband will have to understand that you will not accept abuse. He can go and see her if he wishes, but if she abuses you again, you do not have to.


Ultimately, if this becomes too much of a problem, it would be a good idea for you and your husband to seek professional marriage counseling with a well trained person who can help you both understand and deal with this chaotic woman and the ways