Help-my friend hates my boyfriend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Help-my friend hates my boyfriend!
3
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 12:30pm
Hi Everyone, I sure do hope I can get some advice here.

Recently I chose to get back together with a man that I have been in a relationship with for almost four years now. I told him we had to take it slow, and that if things were going to be right, he has to prove it to me. That is harsh, but the situation is very sticky, but I do want it to work out.

My quandry is this, my friend (best friend) hates him-I totally trashed him while we were broken up, she knows every "bad" thing (no physical abuse or anything like that) he's ever done, and now she says that while she won't tell me how to live my life, she doesn't want to be around him for awhile. They actually got in each others face and argued while we were broken up, pretty bad. She is having her birthday party in a couple of weeks, and says that while she hopes I will come and stay for awhile, she doesn't want him there. Boyfriend is crushed and feels that I am choosing her over him - I think it is ugly of her to act this way about the party, but it IS her party and up until last week, I never thought he'd be in my life again. I have told boyfriend that she has put up a brick wall as far as he is concerened, and after this one event, I won't go without him to any similar event. Thank you all for your opinions! CATS

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 1:09pm
It's very immature of your friend to put you into a position where you have to choose between her and your bf. She may not have meant to do that, but that's what she's done.

Most people badmouth their exes. In fact, most gf's know more about the bad things their gf's bf's have done than the good things. That's because we tend to vent more about the bad things, and forget to mention when they got us flowers, or whatever. But MY friends are mature enough to handle it. They realize that there will always be certain situations in which there are people you don't like, for whatever reasons. Doesn't she have coworkers she dislikes? She still has to deal with them, doesn't she?

On the other hand, your boyfriend should also be mature enough to understand that you are friends with her. You were before him, and you will be after him (IF you break up again). He shouldn't get his feelings hurt if you go to your friend's party. She is YOUR friend. Not his. SHE'S the one this is excluding him, not you. Make sure you let him know that you care for him, but you also care for your friend. Spending one night without him won't be the end-all of your relationship.

I would go. But I would make it VERY clear to your friend that she is acting like a child, and that you don't appreciate. And the next time she has a function, either invite you AND your boyfriend, or don't look for you to be there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 2:25pm
I don't know whether your friend is being immature or not with what little you revealed about the situation. Your bf could have done some really nasty things to you for all I know. You did say that the situation with him is very sticky and that he has to prove some things to you and you've taken a harsh stand with him on that, so he doesn't sound like he's been a great bf. But this is what I think based on what little you've sad here...

The two of them have had some conflict between them and she says she doesn't want to be around him for "a while". But she isn't interfering in your choice to give him a chance so she sounds mature enough to me. I think your bf is the one being immature here. You've only been back with him for a week and are supposed to be taking it slow. And even if you were taking it fast, it's okay to do things without your bf, it's not required for him to be at every event you ever go to or for you to stay home if he can't go for some reason. I could see his being crushed that he wasn't invited, but to be crushed and whine about this "choosing" crap to try to stop you from going and spending time with your best friend on her birthday is silly. You're entitled to do things without him. You're entitled to have the friends of your choice whether he gets along with them or not. You CAN choose to have a relationship with both. There's good reason why he's not invited, he has conflict with this person. That's HIM, not you. The thing I'd be worried about most is getting into a rut with this guy where you can't go places and be with friends unless it's okay with him, or if you can't go places without him. That's not healthy. I would never promise a bf that I won't ever go to any parties or events without him simply because there's nothing wrong with going to parties or events without your bf and sometimes you just have to. I think it's wrong of a man to ask, require or demand that of his partner. That's giving up so much of your life and rights. It seems to me that the answer in this situation is for him to grow up and just deal with the fact that he has conflict with this person, for whatever reason, and she doesn't want him around her for a while and he needs to also understand and respect that she is your best friend and is an important person in your life and instead of acting crushed and whining to try to get you to choose HIM over HER, to just deal with the fact that you choose to spend time with both of them and that if he wants to be included in the future then he needs to try to be a better bf this time and repair his relationship with you. It's not like the situation got this way through no fault of his own, some poor behavior on his part contributed to it, right? And she did say "for a while", right? If he doesn't want to be friends with her, then he needs to deal with the fact that she's your friend and you'll be doing things with her from time to time anyway. Even without him. Nothing wrong with that. Good friends are precious and rare, don't let him ruin that. You can have both. I'd go, without him, and let him just get over it. Just because he's upset doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 2:33pm
Thanks guys, I agree with both of your posts. I just feel like a rag doll being pulled in two different directions. I am going to the party, am going to let my friend know that along with hurting BF's feelings, she also hurt mine. Can't BOTH of them see that I don't want the two of them around each other-how tense would that be for me (LOL). For future events that they'll "both" be at, she can choose not to come if she wants...this is HER party, and it's not been long since getting back together, so ergo I'll be there.

I really appreciate the advice!!!!!!!!! (((((((((hugs))))))))))) CATS