help my husband is driving me crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
help my husband is driving me crazy
24
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 10:45pm
this is going to be long and i need advise so please be patient. my 33 year old husband had only been with a prostitute before he married me. i looked over it thinking it was not a problem because he is such a shy guy. he has told me countless stories about nudie bars. and he definatly has a addiction to porn and masterbation. i am 27 he is 33 we both work full time good money, sex was good but recently he has stopped being able to orgasm by sex alone with me, always ends with him masterbation or looking at porn and then masterbating and we have been married for a year now. he is constantly reminding me of my imperfections and pointing out perfect woman to me. i no doubt have self esteem issues and so does he but we have always showered each other with compliments and praise. he is constantly telling me that all men fantisize and i know that is true. we both have jealousy issues but nothing out of the norm however his looking at porn on the computer tv, magazines and then coming right out and talking about past experiences with strippers and hookers is driving me crazy.. the other night we wern't even talking about cheating or sex and he started talking about how he can't help it that he wants to have sex with other woman .. he said he would never do it because he knows it would be cheating but he basiclly admitted that he would like to do it because he thinks he did not have sex with enough woman befoire he married me and now he feels like he cheated himself for now sowing he wild oats before marriage.. i admit we did meet on the internet through a website called match . com. and we got married 8 mths later.. he is the most kind man ive ever met and he otherwise would be a great husband if we did not constanly fight about sex.. i realize that i probably do have some issues with myself. but we have discussed it and if i needed to go into the bathroom and finish myself off each and everytime we have sex or if i constanly looked at male porn he would be upset. but in the other hand he insistes he does not have a problem.. im afraid that his addiction to porn has went into the next stage and he is now not only disasifyed with me and his porn on the computer because i raise hell and have threatned to have the internet cut oiff because of it .. he has found him self with some kind of lacking.. we recently got in a fight and i demanded he leave.. about a day later we made up and since then his over abundunce of honesty is making me wonder if i can stay married to him. i know we need counseling but that is just not a option for us right now due to money and time. i wonder if anyone has any advise to this problem. i am very overweight currantly waiting a gastric bypass surgery he is currantly dieting and loosing quite well.. we are trying to get healthy but our marriage is going to be what kills me.. i love him dearly and i can't imagine him not as my husband and im sure he loves me but when is enough,enough? im getting really tired of constanly not feeling like im good enough for him and feeling like he feels he made a mistake. by the way in the same sense he has never told me i wasnt good enough or that he regrets .. he does however tell me quite frequently how he wished he had slept with many more people before he married..i mean how does a wife cope with the fact that her husband wants to screw everybody? and why does he have to tell me why can't he just keep that to himself. i mean i have enough sense to not tell him every thought that i have had about him .. why can't he do me the same courtesy? help me if you can

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 11:12pm
As a woman who likes looking at the occasional porno with her husband, I don't think pornography (or "erotica") itself is a bad thing, and in fact can be a springboard to better sex. But all day, every day, all the time is a problem. And if your husband is incapable of having an orgasm without porn, that's a bigger problem.

Your husband is a sex/porn addict. You might want to surf around the net and read a bit on sex addiction, and look into support for family members of those who have this problem. And though you say you don't have the time or money for it, counseling and a 12-step program are probably the only things that could help.

You say you don't have the time or money for counseling...see if there's a free clinic anywhere around, or one that only charges a nominal fee. If you're waiting for a gastric bypass then you must have some sort of insurance. Many insurance plans cover psychiatric care. As for time, you have time to have a gastric bypass, and your husband has lots of time for porn. I'm sure you could fit a counseling session or two in there somewhere!!!

In tandem with this you should seek out a twelve step group for your husband (if he will admit he needs it) and a support group for yourself as well, something akin to Al-Anon for the wives of sex addicts instead of the wives of alcoholics. I hope they have something like that in your area for you!

One thing that might help you a bit is to know that this problem would not go away if your husband had all the sex in the world. It has nothing to do with his lack of previous sexual experience, and should you grant him leeway to have sex with someone else, his appetite would NOT be miraculously sated. It would only become more voracious.

If your husband will not recognize his problem, and if he keeps projecting his difficulties onto you and rationalizing them, he will never get better. You can't help him, except to tell him that he needs to GET some help for himself.

If it were me, and my husband, I would not live with him in this condition. It's demeaning to you and it doesn't help him. Demand he seek treatment for his problem.

I don't know if you can do this but all the luck to you...this is a major issue and you need to have a lot of strength to get through it.

Saucygirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 11:39pm
one more thing to add ...he has recently started asking if he can look at porn .. like the other night after a unsucessful attempt to orgasm through sex with me he said he had to pee and thats why we stopped so then a few min later used the excuse that i was finished, to start viewing a video and he thought that was ok since he did not try to hide it but as i layed there while he masterbated i thought to myself i wish he had hide it because he made me sick. i felt nasty for letting him touch me in the first place i felt like a used rag thrown on floor when it got dirty. i was saying to myself im gonna teach him im gonna get fridged im gonna with hold sex and let him have his sexy woman all he wants. he can jack off till it falls off for all i care. but the next day i can home and he was so sweet and cooked supper and pampering me and that night we had sex normally so what do i do? is he messed up so far now he is ruined forever or is there still hope for him? the counseling is a definate thing that he has already agreed to once i find a therapist for the weekend appt. but i have not specifried that i want to go for us as well as his addiction because he like all addicts insisted he has no addiction.. he is desensatized. i glimpse of me naked walking through the house does nothing for him. now if i have tattues and body piercings and things on and looked like a dominatrics maybe but me the way i am now no..
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:11am
It sounds like your husband has a serious problem. Like the previous poster, I have no problem with porn and do not feel threatened by it, but when he is unable to finish lovemaking and chooses porn instead, then there is a larger issue and problem. I wish I knew what advice to give you, as the only way things will get better is if he seeks out help. But perhaps you can sit down with him when you're not making love (like over dinner) and tell him the serious effects that this is having on your relationship and ask him to get help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 4:50pm
You two need counseling.

Is it true that you say hurtful things to her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:25pm
I do not intentionally say things to hurt my wife. I am sometimes a little bit inconsiderate, mistakenly believing that I am being funny. I don't think sometimes when I say stuff, because I figure that my wife knows me well enough to know when I am just kidding and not trying to hurt her. I have recently changed the term "fat" when referring to my wife to "metabollically challenged", so I am trying to watch how I say things around my wife.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:38pm
If I got married and my husband wouldn't get off with me but had to run off and look at porn all the time; if he talked and talked about his past experiences with nudie bars, strippers, or prostitutes; if he lamented all the time about how he wants to and wishes he could sleep with other women; constantly pointed out my imperfections and compared me to "perfect" women - I'd leave him and let him have his other women if he didn't get some help for his selfishness and obsession with other women. And so will your wife eventually if you don't do something about this problem. It's a big one and she shouldn't have to put up with it for a second.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:43pm
Well, now you know that your wife is very sensitive about her weight. You shouldn't joke about it at all. And veiwing porn of skinny, seeminly perfectly built women, in front of her is bound to make her angry and feel worse. I don't have a weight problem or physical "issues" and I would be VERY upset if my husband jackoff to porn right in front of me. Sounds like a bit of selfishness going on here. And why in the world would you tell your wife you wished you'd slept around more? Is it because she throws her past in your face? No matter what, talking about that sort of thing is aweful and hurtful. Both of you need to knock it off and quit being so mean to eachother. If you REALLY wish you'd slept with more woman, then quit torturing your wife, give her a divorce, and by all means go whore yourself...I'm sure you'll find it's not all that it's cracked up to be...you'll probably get someone pregnant or catch an STD. And if you don't intend to do that, then quit saying things like that...you married her, so be a man and be a good husband, forsake all others, including those fantasy women on the video. And to your wife, leave your past in the past. You are a married woman now, be a good wife, foresake all others, including those that are in your memory. Can we have a little love here, people?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 6:17pm
my husband and i have been reading and talking all day one thing he has not mentioned in any of his posts is why he feels the need to look at porn at all. we have been in the constante debate all day about what is and is not acceptable and it has come to the why should i suffer because you have insecurity about yourself my husband sees no error what so ever in his ways and he still believes after reading all this that he is doing and has done nothing wrong. i admit that when we first met that we made the mistake of telling each other each and every dirty little secret that we have .. but i do not throw my past up in his face and nore do i ridicule anything about his appearance or sexual ability. but he stills will not admit now that if i did the same things that he does reguarding porn and other men that it would bother him as well. he even went so far as to say if i did cheat on him he would forgive me now what the hell does that mean? i think my husband just basically needs some therapy on his own and maybe i need my own as well . i just hope after all is said and done we are not divorced in the end because i love him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 6:24pm
Then takes his words seriously. He will not change. Can you live with that because you can not change him.

Seriously you two should get counseling together or this won't stop and he needs to get help for his addiction.

Have you let him know that hearing 'metabolically challenged' is unacceptable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 6:41pm
Okay, I am not a naturally mean person. I treat everyone with respect, even my wife. She says that I am addicted to porn, but I do not blatantly look at it in front of her and neither do I look at other women and compare her to them, she knows that I think she is sexy and beautiful. I have mentioned a few times that I would have liked to have had a little bit more experience, but only because I would have liked to have been better for her. I am a very shy person and before I met my wife I was not an open person, she is the only person that knows every little secret I have ever had. That is probably where I went wrong, I treated her like a buddy and not like a girlfriend. I cannot take back the things that I have said and done, and I am constantly apologizing for stuff that I do that is "supposedly wrong". I don't look at porn all the time. My wife is totally wrong about me, and to be honest, she is really getting on my dang nerves about it, and there is the possibility that this could be very harmful to our marriage, and it is going to be all her fault.

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