Help!! My Partner is Unemployed!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Help!! My Partner is Unemployed!!
4
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 3:37pm
Hi all, my partner (32yrs old) has been unemployed on and off for the past 1.5years. I am 35 years old,work full time and am a single parent of one. I also support my mother who also lives with me. I have worked hard at my career and have progressed greatly over the past few years. I make all right money, however I still live month to month and struggle financially. I have always worked my whole life and have always been very independent. I find it very difficult to respect my partner due to his lack of motivation. He has told me that he is now becoming motivated again after dealing with some personal issues. I will admit, I have a very difficult time believing him. It drives me crazy knowing how hard I work while he works "occasionally", not to mention it holds us back from being more financially successful. Is it wrong for me to think that if he felt we were important he would be doing everything in his power to make things better for us? Or has he been working (on the inside) so he can advance in the real world and I should perhaps appreciate his other qualities a little more and give him the time he needs? He is a very good man and has amazing qualities, he treats my daughter and me very well and would do anything for us (except work...apparently..geez) not to mention he is always willing to work on things or issues we have encountered. He wants us to live together as a family and get married within the next year...I am hesitate to make this move based on his unemployment... any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 6:22pm
bmurphy....

Pianoguy thinks this man is wonderful to show his love for you and your daughter...but any part of TRUE LOVE involves some sort of financial security. And it's obvious that your b/f isn't too concerned when it comes to money. You don't pay HIS BILLS, do you?

It's very possible your b/f isn't a worker in the conventional sense. Not all of us feel comfortable wearing a suit and tie...or can survive in "a team environment!" But whether he's a team player or an independent contractor...the bills keep coming in...and YOU can't cover them all.

You need to bring this issue up, but as a concerned g/f and NOT AS HIS MOM! He might take you seriously...and then...he MIGHT NOT! But either way...you're going to have to let him know the subject of an income is bothering you and you want this issue resolved.

Ask yourself this question:

What's the most important thing about this relationship between you 2?

If you can honestly say: FINANCIAL SECURITY...then you've probably picked the wrong person to hang out with? For some of us, it's not always easy to keep a job--even if we're doing "all the right stuff" connected with it.

I hope you 2 can reach an agreement on this? Everything else between you sounds PERFECT?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 7:54pm
Hey Pianoguy, thanks for responding!!!

Yes, I have discussed this with b/f. He understands where I am at, it basically comes down to deciding what is best for me and my daughter. Again, I have always been financially independent, I am not looking for a sugar-daddy or anything like that. Just someone who understands a hard days work, responsibility and is driven to achieve their goals (hopefully, they have set some!haha).

I have been supportive of b/f, however I can only last so long before I grow tired, and frankly, this is where I am at (again). As I have said to him many times, "action, speaks louder than words" I do not need to hear how he is going to be more motivated, I need to experience it. It doesn't matter to me if he he holds a less than ideal job, if he is happy with that, than it becomes an ideal job for him, and I am happy with that. I just want him to show a little responsibility in this part of his life.

Oh, and no, I definitely do NOT pay his bills, he pays his own bills. I do however, pay for extra curricular activitivies at times. Actually, so does he, he manages to keep enough money in his account to pay his bills, as well to pay for the occasional dinner, movie, coffee..etc...it is just that I want to be able to acquire more with a future partner, sometimes, I find it a little expensive for my budget. I don't know, the more I type this message, the more I am thinking that it really is about my own issues? This is really going to sound silly, but little things trigger me, like the fact that I can stop by his place at lunch and he will just be getting out of bed, or that he can't possibly understand what it is like to work under deadlines, to have projects due, to have others rely on you, in essence to have a stressful work day....how can he relate to me when I come home from a challenging day? To be bluntly honest, I feel a little resentment and I do not like to feel that way.

One more thing, he comes from a fairly well to do family, the house he owns was given to him by his parents and I know they have been helping him in the past, but have since "cut him off" for the most part. His parents have concerns with him not working as well. He works occasionally as a pyro-tech when there are events, holidays, etc...but it is very sporadic,and this is where I believe he makes his money to cover his bills. It comes down to respect. I respect my b/f in all other aspects with the exception of this, this is very troubling for me, I do need to respect my partner 100% and I realize without this we have nothing. Perhaps if I look at it in another perspective?

Well, I have rambled on way too long! Thanks for reading.

best wishes for everyone




iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 10:52pm
You don't say how long you have been dating him. Have you ever known him to work successfully? Is this about the bad economy or his motivation to find and keep a job?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 12:35pm
Hi Ciao Gina,

Good Point. I would have to say that this is not an economy issue. It is a motivation issue. I have known him for almost two years and in all that time he has worked on and off and NEVER steady. I would say that he has been mostly unemployed. He tells me quite regularly that he has always worked right up to the time I met him...and that it is just conicidence that he started going through his transition stage the same time we met. Now that he has dealt with a couple of "personal" issues he says he is now ready to progress with things. Although I would like to accept this I find it a little difficult to believe.

Thanks for the response!

ps. in his defence I will say that he has always been there for me in many other ways such as doing errands, etc...while I am at work.