Help needed about heartbreak

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Help needed about heartbreak
1
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:21am
I've been seeing this guy for 7 months. I am 10 years older than him, but still only 39. One and a half months ago I moved 150 km away from where we lived, to take an new job. Prior to that, he was with me everyday. 4 weeks ago, he found a job closer to me, but it was still too far away to make the daily commute, so he stays with his family during the week, but has been with me each weekend, except this past one.

I thought we had a good relationship and had talked many times about the future together. Even though he wasn't sure about our relationship at first, because he was considering having children, we have continued on and I thought we were very close. We never argued and always laughed together and enjoyed one another's company. He never raised the issue of children since the very beginning and we were making future plans. We lived together for a brief period of time before I moved away, and he was so happy when he moved, just to be closer to me so that we could be together more often.

There's always a "but" and mine is about something that happened this past weekend. I found out he has been e-mailing another woman for the last 2 weeks. Asking to meet her and telling her he is not involved with anyone, among other things. Needless to say, I am devastated. I confronted him about it via e-mail, because when I called, he didn't answer the phone. I got an e-mail response from him, indicating that he was sorry to have hurt me this way, but he had been feeling unsatisfied with our relationship. He explained that he never met the woman, but had "only" been writing to her. He went on to tell me that I knew he wanted children and that we are at different stages in our lives. Then he says he was going to tell me when the time was right. We had just been together 2 days before and he never mentioned it. I feel betrayed and used and I'm totally shocked.

When we finally talked on Monday and all I could do was cry and he kept saying how sorry he was, that he is an ass, a cheater and a liar. My trust in him has been totally destroyed. It's very difficult to turn off my feelings and part of me wants to work it out, but part of me hates him for what he has done. I'm not really sure where we stand now. I don't want to be in a facade of a relationship or be taken advantage of. I don't even know if he wants to work things out or if he is glad that I now know the truth and he can move on, because our first conversation wasn't very productive with all the crying that I did. I'd say his e-mail is pretty good indication that he is relieved to be rid of me. We spoke briefly again Tuesday night, but I was so exhasted from lack of sleep, I cut the conversation short. He is going to call tonight. I know he is concerned about me, but I'm not sure how I feel about his concern, whether it is just his feelings of guilt or genuine concern for my heartache.

I've never had an experience of cheating before and I feel so confused. I don't want him to think he can do anything to me and I'll just let it go because being with him is better than being alone. I'm not afraid to be alone. I was divorced 12 years ago and have made a happy, successful life for myself alone. I don't need a man to make me happy, although I enjoyed his company a lot and felt very comfortable with him.

I guess I just want to hear what other people have to say about this situation. Maybe there is no going back to the relationship, for him or me, but I am just looking for some thoughts and feedback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:49am
I have been there where the guy knew I did not want children, so he said he did not want them either. Then, years later after I was in love with him he comes out and states he wants two kids! He knows I have a Tubal Ligation! He admits he lied at the first because he wanted to get to know me (sleep with me).

As you can see at this point our relationship "cannot go anywhere" because I won't have kids and he wants kids. I am starting to have intense pain over this. He still wanted to see me and sleep with me (of course).

So I tried, despite my pain over knowing the truth, to still see him and sleep with him (the sex was great) but the pain was too intense. It was worse than breaking up, that terrible pain of being in love with a man who could never love me back....

I had to break it off and NOT see him or talk to him for two years, even as a friend, because that pain was hard to get over.

Later, I found out he met a woman who would bear his children. Hope they are real happy since I met the love of my life husband and he did not want me to have kids, yay!

If your man lies, cheats, and wants kids, you may as well break up with him now rather than prolonging the agony. Then when you are fully over the pain of the breakup, you can meet your MR Right! Who will not lie, cheat on you and will love you as you are WITHOUT HAVING CHILDREN!