Help is needed over here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2007
Help is needed over here!
3
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 10:42pm
Hello there! Please help. I've been struggling with this for a couple yrs now. Everytime my DH and I get into an argument he goes off on me by cussing me out, he threatens to leave and end our relationship, he gets extremely angry and scary and really makes me feel horrible about myself all because sometimes I don't apologize or validate his comments immediately (due to me trying to get a clear understanding of what I did wrong in a problem). He has never hit me. When he treats me with that type of disrespect, it's hard for me to consider the problem that he brought up in the first place. He then stays mad at me (until I apologize or he realizes what he did wrong)because I don't want to apologize when he disrespects and emotionally hurts me. I don't want him to think that that is what he needs to do in order for me to tell him the things he wants to hear or for him to think that it's okay to treat me that way. He is very sensitive and I really try hard to pay attention to that, but it's almost as if he were a human ticking bomb and I don't know how many seconds or minutes he is set to go off when we're are having our differences. Also, I'm 26 and my DH is 8 yrs older. During our arguments he also talks down to me in a very obvious manner and that is another thing that really bothers me and distracts me from considering his feelings. I still apologize even though he treats me this way, but then I feel bad about myself at times because I want my apologies to sound sincere and not feel like they're forced out of me. The arguments we have are exhausting and can go on for hours of his lecturing. We have talked about this problem and he apologizes for his behavior, but he believes that by me not immediately apologizing, validating him when he is correct, or times when I accidentally talk over him (I know you're not suppose to do that) is just as disrespectful as the way he treats me. He says I might as well cuss him out because it's the same thing. I don't believe that is correct. I feel he turns our arguments into fights. What do you think? I don't want to make this too long b/c I want it to be read. TIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 10:30am

Hi...I'm sorry to have to say this but it sounds like your DH is abusing you mentally. If you did nothing wrong than you do NOT have to be the one to apologize! And he should NEVER talk down on you!!! 8 years older, or 8 years young that should NOT matter! A marriage is love, respect and compromise - not making your spouse feel like crap! And I am talking from experience b/c my husband is quite similar - he is always angry -and picking fights. For the first time EVER i stood up for myself and you know what it felt good! Granted, DH has not said a word to me for over 4 days -and I don't know where that leaves my marriage. But I am a person too and I deserve to be treated with love and respect and so do YOU. You are young (so am I) and life does not stop when you get married - if someone is disrespecting you DEMAND respect or pick yourself up and get out. I know it must be hard to hear this, but I am giving you the same advice that has been given to me. Hugs and feel free to email me if you need a friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 1:38pm

Lunastar07,


Abusers don't change, especially without serious therapy and then the success rate is like 5%.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 5:46pm
Thank you ladies for your replies. I really appreciate it. Sorry it took me so long to post. I'm sorry about your situation czylady05. You can also email me anytime if you want someone to hear you out. This is a painful thing to go through. How could the person I love that has shown me so much love and affection say and do such cruel mean things when he gets upset? I can't help but wonder sometimes if he really does love me. We've been more distant ever since, even though we apologized to eachother. Also, he hasn't really slept with me at night for a very long time because of his video game playing. He only sleeps with me when he is dead tired and is starting to feel sick from staying up all night and all morning. He has no control over that either and he doesn't try. He is aware of it being a problem, but he only apologizes and then does over and over again. When I'm awake during the day, he's asleep and when I go to sleep at night he's awake playing. I'm really resenting him right now because I feel I don't get the attention and treatment that I need and it's making me not have the motivation to do the things I enjoyed doing for him. This is the only place for me to vent about my problems because I don't tell anyone else. Thank you for listening.