Help needed please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Help needed please!
4
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 5:22pm

Hello,


My name is Ana, age 29,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 7:52pm

"And how can a relationship go on when your partner is blaming you for ruining their life???"

It can't.

I don't agree that a married couple (or soon to be) should be splitting costs 50-50 unless you have equal incomes. If your job pays more, you should pay more. Or you should be able to come to another agreement, but the basis of that is that it's monetarily FAIR and AGREEABLE to both of you...

Your relationship is on its way out the door, I'm sad to say. A relationship cannot survive with this amount of blame and resent, and it exists on both sides. I do think that you should take a look at whether or not he's legitimately feeling put down. Putting someone down is not just name-calling, it's humiliating them (even if you don't mean to) or making them feel as though they are worth less than you. Men in particular are very very sensitive to this.

I know you probably cannot afford counseling if money is tight so I will not suggest that. If he is picking fights with you, blaming you for his failures and has no motivation to contribute to your household, then he really is not worth much as a husband and I hope you see that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 05-16-2008 - 12:07am

Welcome to the board Ana,


It's very hard when one partner doesn't want to work or can't hold a job.


7 Signs you should Run from your Partner - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=28188.1


Ten Rules for Fighting Fair - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=28141.1


Are You the One for Me? Barbara DeAngelis


If need be:


How to Get Over Your Breakup - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=21181.1





angels

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-16-2008 - 1:17pm

You are quite right that a relationship that is healthy needs to be mutual with both parties not only paying their share financially, but also taking responsibility for their own actions and behavior and not "blaming" the other for all that goes on. The two of you need to learn how to have healthy, open, honest communication. And your partner needs to learn how to face himself and grow up. Otherwise a situation like this is negative for both of you.


I suggest that you find yourself a well trained counselor or therapist to help you both sort through the pain that's going on. Your partner needs someone of his own as well, to help him feel better about himself, and stop blaming you. Unless you get someone with objective skills and knowledge, it's hard to see how you can get out of these draining, difficult patterns you are in. Go get the help you need and you will both be able to grow.


(P.S. If he is unwilling to go for help, go yourself. Get the support, clarity and strength you need to make healthy choices).


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Fri, 05-16-2008 - 1:41pm

Hello Dr. Shoshanna,


Thank you for your reply. I've mentioned counseling many times and he just isn't open to doing that. The fights have been ongoing for a while now, but I've tried