Help now please

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Help now please
3
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 5:32pm
As I sit here typing I am just in so much pain the tears are running. This is not too long of a story but it is hard to talk about. I need some helpful advice as soon as possible. I am not looking for answers just suggestions. Please. OK here we go..

My husband and I started dating 7 years ago when I graduated highschool. We moved in together about a year or so later. I grew up an only child with everyone telling me how men are suppose to treat women. It turned out real life wasn't matching the fantasy perfect relationship world everyone told me about. I felt as though my boyfriend (husband) did not care for me. I felt like I was disposable. We had our share of fights and problems. There was this guy, a cousin of a friend of mine. I had had a crush on him for some time. In fact I was ecstatic when he went to the prom with me. Well as you all know how the story goes..I ended up sleeping with this guy twice within a six month period of time. This happened about 4 years ago. My husband (then boyfriend) found out about it from a friend of his. I denied it at first then told him. We split for awhile but then got back together. We ended up married last year. This cheating issue has always been a part of our relationship. The reason for it is that there were some questions my husband had asked me about the affair which I did not tell him the truth about right away. He basically had to drag it out of me. He felt betrayed. Anyway to get to the point of my present situation. My husband is having some difficult feelings about it now. He says that when we get intimate now all he can think about is the fact that I did the same thing with another guy. I tell him over and over again that it was and is different. The sexual experience I had with the other guy was purely stupid and was an act out of anger etc. That our relationship is so much more meaningful. Sex is not just sex between us. It is emotional for me. I feel passion and it's lovemaking. I love my husband and I want this to leave our lives. I just don't know how. He refuses to go for counseling and just today said that he thinks the only way I will only know how much this hurt him and to understand where he is coming from is for him to cheat on me! I don't know which way to go. We both love each other and don't want a divorce but he is still so hung up on this....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 6:14pm
Sounds to me like the guy married you because you were so hung up on being his servant and his whiping post - and he was so intent on having one....that now its coming to a head.

Because he's not going to "forget" this......and trust isn't something that is reinstalled like a software program just by 'telling him the truth.

and if he thinks him sleeping around on you is going to "erase" you sleeping around on him - that's totally illogical, unrealistic, and immature thinking.........but this really doesn't sound like an equality based, mutually beneficial, honestly communicative relationship between two complete, independent, secure, successful adults.

This sounds like two kids who got together to "form a union" - so they'd have options and an identity - and once that was a reality what you are stuck with is the "facts" of who you each are, that neither of you really like or accept and now can't change the past.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 6:36pm
His feelings (seeing you with the guy, wondering if you did the same things with the other guy as you do with him) are normal feelings when a partner has cheated. He never dealt with the emotions, rebuilt the trust with you and worked through why you did what you did in the first place. AND he won't be able to 'get over it' without counseling. Since he's unwilling to go to marriage counseling with you, my guess is that he really doesn't want to heal the situation and move forward. Instead he wants to cheat on you. So now, he's using what you did as an excuse to do what he wants to do - sleep with another woman. It's his justification for his state of mind and what he wants to do. I agree with Erin, it's illogical, as well as non-productive.

Since he won't go with you to counseling, go alone. Also check out www.marriagebuilders.com or the Betrayed Spouse Support board for some ideas.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 6:45pm
Thank you. Thank you so much for your support. You wrote the truth. I am already seeing a therapist for other issues so this is one I am going to bring up on Monday. I am going to the website you suggested right after this. I just wish there was something to help him want to make this right. I understand he has these unresolved feelings but doesn't he see that there is still hope???? Thank you again.