Help please...new guy doesn't feel it

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Help please...new guy doesn't feel it
4
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 5:28am
I am in the process of a divorce, and met a great guy three months ago in an elevator, of all places. We hit it off, have been seeing each other ever since. He is also divorced with two kids; both are crazy about me.

The sex has been great, passionate...but he never has said how he feels about me other than he has a great time with me. A month ago, he said he will be really disappointed if this does not "work out."

Well...

A couple of weeks ago (in the throes of passion, of course) I told him I loved him. He didn't return the sentiment and has clearly pulled back. I know I blew it, so I have been keeping my own distance, not returning his calls right away, etc. Even though I sense him pulling away, he still calls and gets annoyed when I don't call him right back, which is confusing.

Well, last night he called and said he had taken his kids to a picnic and spent time with an ex-girlfriend. He told me he wanted the option of seeing her and that he wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship. I said I never assumed we were "exclusive" although I was dying inside.

We went out tonight, came back to my house, and talked more. He said he worried about how serious I was getting because of my saying the L word, and that he didn't feel it. "I think you're great, I love spending time with you, but I guess something's missing," were his words. He still wants to see me and admits he doesn't like the idea of me seeing other men.

I have been out of the dating loop so long...I forgot all the rules! I know I wore my heart on my sleeve too early with this one and am praying it's not too late. Is there anything I can do to get things back on track...and by that, I mean on the way to him feeling the same about me??
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 7:57am
Nope, there isn't. He was very clear about what he wants - and what he DOESN'T want. He enjoys the sex. He's not interested in anything deeper.

Its unfortunate that he allowed his children to bond with you. How sad for them. You will probably be one of a succession of women who move in and out of his life (and theirs).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 10:31am
stephfromtheblock...

While it's clear that you both have had a lot of good times together (including a little passion)...the 2 of you are OUT OF SYNC when it comes to what each of you want.

So...if he wants to be a "free agent" and see the ex-wife, girlfriends or nobody exclusively, YOU are entitled to act the same way with the ex-husband, boyfriends or whoever. In a situation like yours...the rules are THE SAME for both sexes.

Just cool it with the "I WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER" line! Most men get a little scared...and back off...when a woman attempts to rush things. We're still trying to figure OUR FEELINGS FOR YOU...even though you might be 100% SURE OF YOUR FEELINGS FOR US!

Go ahead and continue your interest in the man, but what's wrong with letting him "pursue you" for awhile? If you cut down your social time together by 50%, I'll bet his feelings for you...assuming he has a few...would be a little more intense??? GOOD LUCK!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 11:12am
Remember the bonnie raitt song...

"I can't make you love me if you dont...

And you can't make your heart feel something it won't..."

That about says it all. However I do agree with Pianoguy in that if you become less available his feelings may intensify. That does not mean he will fall in love with you, but he will miss you cause it sounds like he definitely likes your company.

My real suggestion though, if you are strong enough, would be to not see him at all....lose yourself in some of the things you love to do, persue a dream you have been putting off. It's much to soon for you to become involved so deeply. You are on the proverbial rebound and you may come to regret all this. I know, because I have been there.

Wait until you are truly emotionally available and coming from a place of strength and security. Men are much more attracted to a self sufficient, independent woman, than someone who appears to be emotionally needy. Besides think how nice it would be to be with someone who says he loves and adores you back without your asking him to. It will happen....tread lightly...prepare....take sometime for yourself...love is nigh!

Hugs to you...Blu

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 11:17am
Nope, there's nothing you can do. He's just not feeling it. BUT...please let go of this idea that it's *because* you told him you love him!!! That's ridiculous. If he were right for you, he would have either been feeling the same way, or at least been on his way there. He's not...hence he's not right for you.

He wants to continue a casual r'ship with you, while he looks for someone else. Do you *really* want to be a party to that????

Sheri

P.S. For most women, the time to establish that you are exclusive is BEFORE you sleep together. Next time, I'd hold off on sex until that is specifically discussed and agreed to.