HELP save this relationship !!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
HELP save this relationship !!!!!!
7
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 4:27pm
I am the mother of 2 children ages 16 and 4. I have been separated from my emotionally abusive husband for 2 of the 5 years of our marriage. I have remained involved with him hoping for a reconcilliation. We have not moved an inch toward reconcilling. In fact the same abusive patterns have persisted. Some of those patterns include terminating all communication with me when I have angered him,not acknowledging me when he enters my home by only speaking to our 4 yr. old dauughter,walking at least 10 feet ahead of me when we are in public, sleeping in a separate room when I visit his home, and not showing any affection or regard for my feelings. He is not speaking to me now because he followed me on a local highway.I was unknowingly traveling 85mph. Both the car and insurance is in his name. I don't know if he ever intends to call again. He has threatened to have the car repossessed. I don't know if he's in the process of following through with his threats.The relationship that I must save is with my sanity. I can't continue to live this way. This lifestyle is destroying me. It will eventually destroy my children as well.Please help me. I am seeking counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 4:30pm

Well, of course you probably shouldn't be driving 85 mph, but that is neither here nore there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 5:25pm
Serene...

If you have been separated from your husband for at least 40% of your marriage time, doesn't this tell you something?

Pianoguy senses there's a little more to this story than you've indicated...especially where you're in therapy and seem to have a "need to speed!"

But considering the information you've shared here...why don't you insure the car in your own name (assuming that it belongs to you)...talk to a social worker or legal advisor concerning your husband and the fact that he just "walks into your home" whenever he pleases...and most important...prepare your children for the fact that their Dad and You will probably end up in divorce court.

You didn't indicate the extent of your husband's visitation priviliges..and how your kids feel about their Dad...so further comment on this is difficult.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 5:55pm
You have a very difficult situation. I can only tell you what my perspective is ( you by no means have to agree).There is only one thing to consider and that is your children. How does letting this man treat you in this manner affect your childrens perseption of how they themselves should be treated and how they should treat others. Would you stand for that kind of behavior towards a daughter from her boyfriend/ husband. Would you want a son to treat his girlfriend/ wife the way your husband treats you? The world is full of learned behavior do you want to perpetuate your husbands attitude or eliminate it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 7:01pm
I wanted to clear up a few erroneous assumptions on your part. I am seeking legal counseling. I do not have a need to speed. This car is a newly purchased car by my husband that is a six cylinder. I am accoustomed to a 4. If you know at all about driving a new vehicle, there is an adjustment period to the differences. The advice to advise my children and to continue seeking legal advisement is definitely sound advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 9:03am
I can't imagine why you would want to reconcile with an emotionally abusive man. The fact that he would follow you on the highway is seriously disturbing. However, I wouldn't pay any attention to his threats of calling the insurance company - how on earth could he prove that you were speeding? His behavior in general sounds nasty and controlling. Get him as far away from you and your children as possible.

The other poster was right when she said that you need to think about what your children are witnessing - your daughter will grow up to be a doormat (like you are in this relationship) and the 16 year old is certainly not being set a good example for how one treats others.

This is one of those situations that no matter how much you'd like for this person to change, you will be far better off without them.

I would take a good look at any self-esteem issues you might have that has kept you from moving on and that has you tolerating this intolerable behavior.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 12:52pm

hi serene and hugs


leaving any marriage is difficult, and leaving an abusive relationship can be scary too (as weird as that sounds) because the fear of the unknown can be worse than the fear of the known (as bad as it is). You are not alone in this! But you CAN do it, you CAN find the strength to leave. I recently left my second husband, he was emotionally absent, extremely controlling (especially about money), had extreme sexual issues, was abusive toward my son (not his son)….. and yet, it was hard to leave. The guilt, the feeling that I “failed” again, how can I do this to my son, no money, etc. well, luckily thru therapy I worked thru those issues, worked with my son, and my biggest (only) problem today is a lack of money. I work hard, do the best I can, and I am HAPPY.



I am not sure if you want to save your marriage? And why? One person cannot hold up a marriage on their own (believe me, I tried that for seven years, it DOESN’T work). You do not have a marriage – a marriage is not a reign of terror and control.



If you want to regain control over your life –please do seek counseling. Also I hope you will consider counseling for your children, they have been affected by this marriage too.



There are a few boards here that may be more specific for your issues: one deals with domestic abuse at http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting


And the other deals with surviving divorce at http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsmartdivor



Wishing you all the best in this new year!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 10:45am
Serene...

I only offer an opinion based upon the information you share. Whether it's erroneous (from your point of view) or "right on target" is a personal opinion. You don't have to accept it or get defensive about it.

Whenever you post a question on any ivillage board, you'll get a slew of different opinions...none of which you have to accept.

Pianoguy