HELP save this relationship !!!!!!
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HELP save this relationship !!!!!!
| Tue, 12-30-2003 - 4:27pm |
I am the mother of 2 children ages 16 and 4. I have been separated from my emotionally abusive husband for 2 of the 5 years of our marriage. I have remained involved with him hoping for a reconcilliation. We have not moved an inch toward reconcilling. In fact the same abusive patterns have persisted. Some of those patterns include terminating all communication with me when I have angered him,not acknowledging me when he enters my home by only speaking to our 4 yr. old dauughter,walking at least 10 feet ahead of me when we are in public, sleeping in a separate room when I visit his home, and not showing any affection or regard for my feelings. He is not speaking to me now because he followed me on a local highway.I was unknowingly traveling 85mph. Both the car and insurance is in his name. I don't know if he ever intends to call again. He has threatened to have the car repossessed. I don't know if he's in the process of following through with his threats.The relationship that I must save is with my sanity. I can't continue to live this way. This lifestyle is destroying me. It will eventually destroy my children as well.Please help me. I am seeking counseling.

Well, of course you probably shouldn't be driving 85 mph, but that is neither here nore there.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
If you have been separated from your husband for at least 40% of your marriage time, doesn't this tell you something?
Pianoguy senses there's a little more to this story than you've indicated...especially where you're in therapy and seem to have a "need to speed!"
But considering the information you've shared here...why don't you insure the car in your own name (assuming that it belongs to you)...talk to a social worker or legal advisor concerning your husband and the fact that he just "walks into your home" whenever he pleases...and most important...prepare your children for the fact that their Dad and You will probably end up in divorce court.
You didn't indicate the extent of your husband's visitation priviliges..and how your kids feel about their Dad...so further comment on this is difficult.
Pianoguy
The other poster was right when she said that you need to think about what your children are witnessing - your daughter will grow up to be a doormat (like you are in this relationship) and the 16 year old is certainly not being set a good example for how one treats others.
This is one of those situations that no matter how much you'd like for this person to change, you will be far better off without them.
I would take a good look at any self-esteem issues you might have that has kept you from moving on and that has you tolerating this intolerable behavior.
Peace - Pebbles
hi serene and hugs
leaving any marriage is difficult, and leaving an abusive relationship can be scary too (as weird as that sounds) because the fear of the unknown can be worse than the fear of the known (as bad as it is). You are not alone in this! But you CAN do it, you CAN find the strength to leave. I recently left my second husband, he was emotionally absent, extremely controlling (especially about money), had extreme sexual issues, was abusive toward my son (not his son)….. and yet, it was hard to leave. The guilt, the feeling that I “failed” again, how can I do this to my son, no money, etc. well, luckily thru therapy I worked thru those issues, worked with my son, and my biggest (only) problem today is a lack of money. I work hard, do the best I can, and I am HAPPY.
I am not sure if you want to save your marriage? And why? One person cannot hold up a marriage on their own (believe me, I tried that for seven years, it DOESN’T work). You do not have a marriage – a marriage is not a reign of terror and control.
If you want to regain control over your life –please do seek counseling. Also I hope you will consider counseling for your children, they have been affected by this marriage too.
There are a few boards here that may be more specific for your issues: one deals with domestic abuse at http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting
And the other deals with surviving divorce at http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsmartdivor
Wishing you all the best in this new year!
I only offer an opinion based upon the information you share. Whether it's erroneous (from your point of view) or "right on target" is a personal opinion. You don't have to accept it or get defensive about it.
Whenever you post a question on any ivillage board, you'll get a slew of different opinions...none of which you have to accept.
Pianoguy