Help.. so sad.. need some input
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Help.. so sad.. need some input
| Sun, 09-28-2008 - 10:35am |
Hi everyone, this is my first time posting on this board. Ive been looking at some of the other posts, and there is some definately some good advice on here. Normally I peruse the "not quite engaged" or "living together" boards but ,alas, this one is definately more appropriate given my current situation. Im really confused and distraught, and Im hoping some objective input can help me reach a decision of what to do.& I really need to figure out what to do- I have no appetite, I cant concentrate on my schoolwork :( Heres the story (sorry, it'll be a little long): Im 25, hes 32 & we've been dating nearly 3 years. living together for just over 1 year. longest relationship for either of us; my 2nd serious relationship and his first serious relationship. Neither of us are very verbally expressive of our feelings, and never really said "i love you" to one another. But we felt it. At least I did, and Im 100% certain he did too. It was obvious in the way we act with one another, the things we did for each other. I moved to the States for him (we're from Canada, and his job brought him here). He was the one who initiated that move- looking at schools i could apply to down here, helping me with the applications, etc. Im of the opinion you don't ask someone to move to another country with you if you only like them. I went home for this past summer, to work. He had to stay here to work. At the beginning of summer, he would always msg me things like "i don't recommend you go home next summer, I miss you too much when your gone" etc. Then, he began getting more time off, and started going out drinking with his buddies on a regular basis. Then i came home in August, and expected that he spend at least a little time with me (im in no ways smothering). But evidently he was enjoying the life where he could do what he wanted all the time- I got upset one night, about things going on in my life (Cancer in the fam, parents of friends dying, etc.). and he said he didnt feel like he thought he should- he felt annoyed, didnt feel like comforting me (i think its relevant to note that my bawling was triggered by him going out drinking when i was sad and wanted him to stay in. So that gets him thinking- overanalyzing and stuff...and hes says hes not sure how he feels about me anymore? or if he ever did love me (tho he pretty sure he did..wtf?). i don't believe that feelings like that can just disappear over the course of a month. & i told him that. He started on some confused rambling, and I think i got out of him that hes feeling pressured by the seriousness of the relationship... I told him he has no reason to feel pressured. id never try to push him into something hes not ready for. So we agreed (i proposed it, he said yes) to try to make things work- and agreed to be more communicative about what we were feeling, when we were feeling it. My question is: should I somehow try to relax about this for now, and see if things do change? Is it possible for him to fall back in love with me, even if he thinks he doesnt feel it right now (he did feel it a couple months ago tho). Could all of this SERIOUSLY be the result of him feeling freaked about the percieved "seriousness" of the relationship. he really is enjoying going out with his boys, and i know theres no other woman. Hes still sweet and affectionate with me, and acts like nothing is changed when he DOES actually hang out with me. Why would this panic set in right around our 3 year mark all of a sudden... nothing has gotten any more or less serious than it was a year ago when i moved in!!! :( i really love him, and i really want to work things out. It would be so much easier to say 'f it' and move home..but i do understand relationships take work. SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG!!!! BUT NONE OF MY FAMILY/FRIENDS ARE ONLINE OR AWAKE (BECAUSE OF THE TIME CHANGE), AND I REALLY NEEDED TO GET THIS OUT SO THAT I CAN HOPEFULLY STUDY A LITTLE FOR MY TEST!!

first of all, you need to relax... you are in a very stressful situation and stress can only hurt you. You need to analyze your life, without him... he should have been the one to ask you if you could make it work, not you, the person getting hurt.
more so than that... he is a male, it is human nature to want to enjoy life before you have to break down and be serious for the rest of your life, he was probably threatened by the idea of spending the rest of his life with you, and supporting you and a potential family.
the thing that I cannot seem to understand that you did not make clear, how are you so certain that there is no other woman? I am not asking to upset you, or hurt you anymore,I am asking simply because if you are 100% certain you must have followed him around? checked his phone and e-mail records? if that is something you are doing than you are not ready for a serious relationship and there are trust issues.
Another thing, if you are so comfortable and "in love" with him then why are you feeling threatened that he is going out with his guy friends, and why did you even mention the "cheating" unless you have a feeling somewhere inside that that actually could be happening.
I have gone through something very similar to you, my boyfriend was out with "friends" and we were in love, he was actually talking about proposing, we were together for over 4 yrs... and living together for 3... and then i found out he was not out with his "guy friends" he was actually out with other women... and i am not saying this to scare you, I am just trying to be as open and honest as humanly possible.
what you need to do, is set up a date, preferably a restaurant with a quiet setting and no tv's to distract him, somewhere he cannot run if he feels threatened by your presence. and you need to talk to him, you need to look him in the eyes and if he doesn't say sorry, then maybe you should move on. if not sorry for having a life and going out with his guy friends, he should be sorry that he hurt you.
being away from people you love is a very difficult thing to handle, you need to make friends, and you need to get out to feel okay, to not spend all of your energy missing the other person, it seems that he did that, and maybe he realized he does not "need" you in his life, maybe he is not happy with something in the relationship and being out with his friends and enjoying his time, something hit him that is he is happier.
before you can cope with the possibility that this relationship may be over for you, you need to find it inside of yourself to be strong, it is hard after that long together... it is something that you need, your need YOUR friends (not friends that you share but your own friends who will back you up through anything) you need your family... and if you are anything like me that can be a difficult place to start, but the people that love you will help you through it.
love is a powerful emotion and it makes people do things they never knew possible... if you cannot trust him... if you have the tiniest bit of distrust for him... I'm warning you, things may not get better. you need to forgive the past and look forward in the future, you will never forget but find it inside yourself to forgive... talk to him, look him in the eyes and tell him how you are feeling... NEVER YELL... that just makes him feel bad, and he may do anything to make you feel better, DO NOT CRY... just have a powerful straight forward rational conversation with him, and see what happens.
Being in love is only part of a healthy relationship. It is the base. But if your boyfriend feels like he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship at this time he needs to be honest with you. This isn't about another girl. It is about him wanting to be a 20-something guy, hanging out with friends, etc.
'Could all of this SERIOUSLY be the result of him feeling freaked about the percieved "seriousness" of the relationship'
Abosolutely. It is hitting him that he doesn't want to be married or tied down. You are living together - that IS tied down. That IS serious.
How often does he go out with friends?
'and he said he didnt feel like he thought he should- he felt annoyed, didnt feel like comforting me '
Yikes. That is more of a red flag then anything.
Welcome to the board queenofthemtn,
Feelings change all the time. Most people ignore the small changes and keep moving forward even if they don't feel it.
Here, read this, it'll help you:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlunderstand&msg=11815.1
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