Help untangle our fight
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| Wed, 09-05-2007 - 11:27am |
Hi-
I hate that I'm posting on here, I mean, the reason why, but I know from past experience iVillage is a godsend and has helped me in so many ways. I'll try to keep this short but it will be hard since it takes place over a few days.
My husband (of about one year) and I went out Sunday evening (no drinking - just hanging out). The night went great until the end (we'd been at an outdoor concert) until I said that my back was hurting from standing so long. He got really angry - not really angry - all in a rush, very abrupt, and quickly said goodbye to our friends and I kept trying to get him to slow down - to stop - that I wasn't bothered that much etc. etc. He was helping my sister and me pack up our stuff but he was doing it so quickly that her sunglasses had fallen out of the pocket of the chair (one of those folding kinds that has drink pockets in the arm) and we had to stop to look for them. He just sort of threw down the chair and walked off. I later found him at the car. He said he'd figured he'd just go on to the car and stay out of our way - that we'd know where he'd be (I hadn't- I just took a chance).
He has ADHD and he often has these moments and says he walks off to stop the feelings from getting out of hand... to keep himself from saying something hurtful.
Long story short, I was hurt by some of the things that happened (how he was ignoring me, and how I was chasing him through the parking lot trying to get him to wait a second and talk to me and my former husband used to do the same thing so it brought back all kinds of bad feelings).
ANYway, I didn't get to really talk to him about it since my sister was at our house until Monday around noon. The rest of Monday I didn't do much of anything - I had cramps and lay on the couch. So, Tuesday, when I get to work, I'm still feeling bad. I figured if it was 2 days later I needed to share my feelings with him so I write it all out in an email. I told him I understood it was probably ADHD related but I was hurt and I needed him to know that I was confused and hurt by his behavior. I told him about what my ex used to do, but I was not comparing him to my ex - it's just hard watching someone I love treat me this way.
So after writing how I felt about the evening he wrote back. His reason for his actions was he was upset that I hadn't mentioned earlier that my back was hurting and frustrated with the circumstances of getting our things together and getting me off of my feet. He said he wasn't my ex and shouldn't be compared to him.
So I wrote him back addressing some of the things he'd said. I told him it really wasn't that bad - that if it was I was a big girl and could've gone to sit down earlier. I also said if he was so worried about my comfort, why did he leave me with all the stuff to carry to the car? I was also hurt that he did not apologize for his actions. I said that I often hear that "it's the ADD" that causes his behavior. I probably shouldn't have said this but I did - I said that sometimes I felt he got of out being responsible for his actions and that I never got apologies from him after something like this happened - that I just got the "it's what the ADD does to me."
I got home last night and he was leaving to go hang out with his friends (a preplanned thing) and he won't even stop and kiss me bye or talk to me or anything. After he comes home last night, he takes a while before coming in to our room. When he does I say "I'm glad you're home." and he says "I'm glad to be home." We chit chat just a little about his evening. Then after his shower he comes to bed. I shut out the light and he's got his arm resting on my hip (like we always sleep). Later we flip and I put my arm around him and we go to sleep.
I guess he didn't read the second email I sent in response to his reply until this morning. I came in this morning and got this email:
-I will not be reading any emails from you today. I have work to do--I am done with the soap opera.
-I will be staying at school after work to work on my dissertation. I will be home late. Don't wait up for me.
So, now it feels like what I thought was resolved is started all over again!!
How do I get out of this freaking loop? Do I just ignore everything and hope it all just goes away? I tried that and it made me feel bad. If I try to talk to him, it just seems to make him madder. And how did me trying to be honest about my feelings turn into "the soap opera."
The worst part is, what I've learned from this is A) I shouldn't have been honest about my back hurting and B) I shouldn't have been honest about my feelings.
My questions are:
How do I put an end to this impasse that I seem to be in right now?
What do I do in the future so things don't get this out of hand again?
How can I tell him my feelings so he doesn't take it as a personal attack?
Do I accept the "ADD" and just quit ever hoping for any apology for anything that happens in the future?
Also, one of the reasons I brought all of this up is we had a similar "blowup" in June during a vacation and afterwards he begged me to help him - that he didn't understand the Jeckyl and Hyde in his head and I told him he had to talk with his doctor about his ADD and his medicine and whether or not it was hurting or helping him and if it needed to be adjusted. He has an appointment Thursday (tomorrow) so I hoped by bring up my feelings and mentioning the similarities to the June fight that he might remember to discuss this during his appointment tomorrow. I really really thought I was helping because I really thought he was sincere in asking me for my help back in June. Was that all just BS to get me to forgive him for his actions back then?
Sorry so long. I appreciate any light anyone can shed. I will also post on ADD/ADHD board to see if they can help with the ADD/ADHD angle of the problem.
Thanks to you all.

Welcome to the board jessamine,
Things did get blown way out of proportion. There is no reason that you saying your back hurt should have made things end in a fight. I suggest marriage counseling to help you deal with things. You need help in learning to deal with his ADD. Which I don't really know anything about, but it doesn't make sense to me that his ADD would have be a factor in his actions during the fight. It seems like he is hiding behind his ADD so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions. It seems like you need to find a better way of communicating with each other.
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