Help! Want to leave or have an affair!
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| Thu, 05-24-2007 - 3:18pm |
This is my first time posting anything on ANY message board EVER. So, I'm unsure of how this will work. But, I wanted to get some advice from people who aren't friends or family... and, who, hopefully, won't judge me.
My husband of 4 yrs. is the hardest working man I know. He is constantly on the go and has so much drive to succeed. That's one of the reasons why I fell in love w/ him and married him. He's so determined & focused on his goals. But, after 10 years of being together (we dated for 6 yrs), 4 yrs. of marriage, and one 2-yr-old daughter later, I'm starting to wonder where I fit in.
At first I thought our problems were just in the bedroom. We only have sex about twice a month, and it's not even good. He rarely ever initiates, and oftentimes, I get turned down when I try. I like to give oral sex, and he's actually turned me down on many occassions.... But, that aside... I realized that we've drifted so far apart. He's so focused on making money that I am the last thing on his mind. He is an amazing father, and puts our daughter as his #1 priority. He's nurturing and wonderful with our daughter. And, she absolutely adores him. And, generally speaking, from an outside observer's perspective, he's a good husband. When I try to talk to friends or family, they think I'm being a brat and causing undue drama. He helps around the house with cleaning and whatnot. He gets our daughter ready on his own every morning and drops her off at daycare, since I get up & leave earlier than they do. He's a good husband in the ways that most women would consider what a "good" husband does. But, that's not what I need from him. I need him to LOVE me! I sometimes wonder if he still loves me... or, even if I still love him...
I feel so alone. We don't even talk much anymore. There are nights after work when we barely say two words to each other. He doesn't want to hear about my day. I know this because he's TOLD me that he doesn't want to hear about my day. So, I'm forced to call friends and talk to them on my way home from work. He feels that when I tell him about my day, I'm "bitching." So, I've stopped "bitching." He makes me feel like I'm not worth anything to him. And, I've talked to him about it. I've threatened to leave, and he's told me to not let the door hit me on my way out. During an argument a few months ago... he told me that I'm at the bottom of his list of priorities. I feel so beaten down and worthless. Yet, it's not like he verbally abuses me daily or anything. He gives me looks like he's dissappointed in me, though. And, that's enough. He's disappointed that he got to the cleaning before I did. Or, that I'm not doing enough, or not doing things to his standards. I feel like I'm always in competition with him. It's fine that he feels like he has to constantly be competing with the world, but I'm his wife! Why does he have to make our household an arena for competitions, too?
I have days where I feel like I should just pack up & leave. And, then there are those days, when I'm feeling utterly neglected that I would totally have an affair (and, I actually have a few male acquaintences tempt me with the idea). But, I never do it, because there are those rare days when he does a complete 180 and is totally loving & asks me how my day went and is super attentive, and we spend the night sitting on the couch and watching TV with our daughter.
I've begged him to go to marriage counseling. He says that going to counseling is admitting that there's something wrong. And, he doesn't see anything wrong. But, when I pointed out that I'm unhappy, and obviously there's something making me unhappy... He said that since I'm the one who sees that there's something wrong, and I'm the one who's unhappy... I should be the one to go to counseling on my own because there's something wrong with me, not him. He will say these things... that hurt me, and never apologize, because he is never wrong, in his eyes.
How do I go on? I don't want to leave him. But, he's driving me away, and he doesn't seem to care. And, honestly, even if I left, he would never blame himself, because he's never wrong. How do I help him to see that I want to make our marriage work, but I can't continue to live like "roommates" anymore? I need my husband... my lover... my best friend... the man I fell in love with... Where is THAT guy?

Hello justbeachy80 and welcome to the board,
I highly recommend you go to counseling on your own. It will give you a safe place to vent, to sort through your feelings and help you decide what is right for you.
Your husband is abusive and disrespectful to you in a very passive-aggressive way. He does it in a way that makes it look like you're the problem, thoroughly undermining you all the while. The psyche cannot tolerate this for long and you are already feeling worthless. Get counseling for yourself. Eventually you'll be able to identify the unhealthy patterns and get to a place where you don't need his permission to know that it's wrong. I got hung for years wanting my husband to see what he was doing and even now I still struggle with standing my ground, always choosing the path of least resistance because I really don't want to go through another round of how wrong I am!
And in case it wasn't clear the problem is NOT you and you can't fix your marriage without his cooperation but you can invest in yourself.
Good luck!