Help-What have I gotten myself into?
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Help-What have I gotten myself into?
| Tue, 01-20-2004 - 5:12am |
Hi, I'm new here and I really need some advice. I'll try to make this as short as possible! I am 26 yrs old with a 9 yr old son. I became involed with a 35 yr old man from work about 2 yrs ago after 3 yrs if friendship. (now he's my husband) He has two boys from his first marriage that spend every weeked with us. We moved in together after dating for about 6 months and planned to get married after 1 year. I know it seems quick, but we had known eachother for many years. Two weeks before we were suposed to get married (we were eloping) I stumbled accross a recent court document implying he was going through a divorce. I called him on it and at first he lied to me but he eventually told me that he still was legally married to his first wife. He said they had been seperated for years and neither had had the money for the divorce. Anyway, the tickets were already paid for so off to vegas we went, and when we returned, we let everyone believe we had gotten married. About 3 months after that he had gone out to a "bachelor party" and I went to go online to check movie times for the kids but he had left the computer on and his email was open. I noticed alot of mail from an ex. I don't know if it was right to snoop, but I did. They were having essentially an online affair. It was all very explicit conversations going back at least two months. They discussed plans to meet up that very night. (That is the only meeting it looked like they set up.) When he got home I told him what I had done/seen. And he swears he wasn't with her- he told me the party were at a strip club which I also fould out was a lie. His next story is the one he's stuck with ever since-party at a guys house they had hookers there giving out hand jobs. Long story short, he was VERY upset, suicidal, ect.. He said he does't care at all about her, he said he considered it like an interactive video game of sorts. He went to counciling for a while and I decided to stay. 3 months after that we got married. When I agreed to stay, it was with the condition that I know all the passwords to his stuff on the computer and that he should expect me to check it once in a while until I feel comfortable. I caught him writing to her one more time, but we resolved that. Then 4 months later I was checking the history on the computer and saw he was doing alot of general searches for her screen name, real name ect.. He said it's not contacting her, I asked him to stop and he did. Next a mutual friend of her's and his started writing to him and he started chatting online to her while I was at work. He told me he was doing this. He told me he was thinking alot about his ex lately and needed to talk to someone who knew her and could understand. The friend is married with kids. I (because I guess I really am a snoop) read the transcript of the IM's and it was VERY sexual. He talked about things him and I have done along with things he'd like to do to the ex, me and the friend and she was going right along with it. When I called him on it he said it was completely not real, he and the friend had never had anything between them (except they did sleep together a long time ago) and he does't like her that way, that this was a "persona" he had always used with her. Now I'm torn. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't want to lose my husband, but how can I get over a problem that doesn't go away? He thinks that I keep changing the rules and that I'm over reacting. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and could really use some advice. Keep in mind, there are 3 kids involved that seem to really like the stability of having 2 parents in the house. Help! it's like I suddenly looked around and realized I have no idea how I got here. Thanks for reading this- I know it was long! Sorry!

I can understand you wanting to stay for the kids BUT if you aren't happy and stable you can't be there for the kids to help them in any way.
Changing the rules - sounds like he knows what's acceptable and unacceptable, BUT finds away around it to see if you will notice. You've told him it's unacceptable to share sexual info with others, your personal info and he thinks that different that talking to his ex about stuff. He can't be that unaware (read that dumb) I think he's playing you. I think he will say or do anything to justify his behavior so it can continue.
Go back to counseling for yourself, alone. It will give you a safe place to vent, help you sort out your emotions and help you figure out what you want to do next.
Carrie
I think that your husband is playing you for a fool - or you are allowing him to treat you this way. I think that he has had an affair with his ex - I'm thinking the time between your Vegas trip and your real marriage time. Also, I think that he has had a sexual fling with the mutual friend (I don't care what her status is).
At this point - you need to talk to your husband about getting some professional help because I believe that this is the only way that you can salvage your marriage at this point. You have to keep in mind that your trust has been broken and his behavior at this point, just keeps shattering the trust over and over again. If he is truly committed to staying married to you, then he should be willing to do whatever it takes to keep your marriage in tact.
Good luck....
My thoughts is no, he wont change. He is a smooth talker, telling you what you want to hear. Maybe not on purpose, maybe he really believes it when he says it. He just cant quite stick to it. Why should he when you keep accepting his lies???? Why should he stop doing what he wants when you keep on making excuses and allowing it to continue? Im not saying anything mean against you, we have all done it at one time or another, I am just saying - he knows he can get away with it.
Children do need stability. BUT they need happy parents too. They pick up on everything. Don't be unhappy just for the kids...they are not stupid and will eventually pick up on the tension and stress between you two.
Just my thoughts - take care, good luck - let us know what you do
PlayNICE
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.
sorry for what you are going thru. I am currently getting out of a seven year second marriage to a big liar/manipulator also. and no, i don't really think people can change UNLESS *they* want to , unless *they* think that something is wrong with their life and *they* are willing to do the work to change.
as things are now - your husband can do (and does!) whatever he wants. he lies as easily as he breathes, almost. so - the question is not if HE can change - but the question is what YOU will do.
what would make sense would be for you to say to him - ok, you are willing to go to therapy, you are willing to change - fine,