Help-What have I gotten myself into?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Help-What have I gotten myself into?
6
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 5:12am
Hi, I'm new here and I really need some advice. I'll try to make this as short as possible! I am 26 yrs old with a 9 yr old son. I became involed with a 35 yr old man from work about 2 yrs ago after 3 yrs if friendship. (now he's my husband) He has two boys from his first marriage that spend every weeked with us. We moved in together after dating for about 6 months and planned to get married after 1 year. I know it seems quick, but we had known eachother for many years. Two weeks before we were suposed to get married (we were eloping) I stumbled accross a recent court document implying he was going through a divorce. I called him on it and at first he lied to me but he eventually told me that he still was legally married to his first wife. He said they had been seperated for years and neither had had the money for the divorce. Anyway, the tickets were already paid for so off to vegas we went, and when we returned, we let everyone believe we had gotten married. About 3 months after that he had gone out to a "bachelor party" and I went to go online to check movie times for the kids but he had left the computer on and his email was open. I noticed alot of mail from an ex. I don't know if it was right to snoop, but I did. They were having essentially an online affair. It was all very explicit conversations going back at least two months. They discussed plans to meet up that very night. (That is the only meeting it looked like they set up.) When he got home I told him what I had done/seen. And he swears he wasn't with her- he told me the party were at a strip club which I also fould out was a lie. His next story is the one he's stuck with ever since-party at a guys house they had hookers there giving out hand jobs. Long story short, he was VERY upset, suicidal, ect.. He said he does't care at all about her, he said he considered it like an interactive video game of sorts. He went to counciling for a while and I decided to stay. 3 months after that we got married. When I agreed to stay, it was with the condition that I know all the passwords to his stuff on the computer and that he should expect me to check it once in a while until I feel comfortable. I caught him writing to her one more time, but we resolved that. Then 4 months later I was checking the history on the computer and saw he was doing alot of general searches for her screen name, real name ect.. He said it's not contacting her, I asked him to stop and he did. Next a mutual friend of her's and his started writing to him and he started chatting online to her while I was at work. He told me he was doing this. He told me he was thinking alot about his ex lately and needed to talk to someone who knew her and could understand. The friend is married with kids. I (because I guess I really am a snoop) read the transcript of the IM's and it was VERY sexual. He talked about things him and I have done along with things he'd like to do to the ex, me and the friend and she was going right along with it. When I called him on it he said it was completely not real, he and the friend had never had anything between them (except they did sleep together a long time ago) and he does't like her that way, that this was a "persona" he had always used with her. Now I'm torn. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't want to lose my husband, but how can I get over a problem that doesn't go away? He thinks that I keep changing the rules and that I'm over reacting. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and could really use some advice. Keep in mind, there are 3 kids involved that seem to really like the stability of having 2 parents in the house. Help! it's like I suddenly looked around and realized I have no idea how I got here. Thanks for reading this- I know it was long! Sorry!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 12:47pm
My personal opinion...this man is dishonest, lies (about everything), would cheat if he hasn't alreay, and he's got problems.

I can understand you wanting to stay for the kids BUT if you aren't happy and stable you can't be there for the kids to help them in any way.

Changing the rules - sounds like he knows what's acceptable and unacceptable, BUT finds away around it to see if you will notice. You've told him it's unacceptable to share sexual info with others, your personal info and he thinks that different that talking to his ex about stuff. He can't be that unaware (read that dumb) I think he's playing you. I think he will say or do anything to justify his behavior so it can continue.

Go back to counseling for yourself, alone. It will give you a safe place to vent, help you sort out your emotions and help you figure out what you want to do next.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 2:51pm
It sounds like to me that there were several red flags prior to the "real" marriage that you chose to either overlook or ignore - which is how you ended up in the situation that you are in now.

I think that your husband is playing you for a fool - or you are allowing him to treat you this way. I think that he has had an affair with his ex - I'm thinking the time between your Vegas trip and your real marriage time. Also, I think that he has had a sexual fling with the mutual friend (I don't care what her status is).

At this point - you need to talk to your husband about getting some professional help because I believe that this is the only way that you can salvage your marriage at this point. You have to keep in mind that your trust has been broken and his behavior at this point, just keeps shattering the trust over and over again. If he is truly committed to staying married to you, then he should be willing to do whatever it takes to keep your marriage in tact.

Good luck....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 2:05am
First of all, I want to thank you for responding, it really helps just knowing someone is listening to me. Looking back I know there were red flags and I realize that getting married was probably the worst thing we could do...but hindsight being 20/20 and all, now I'm just trying to figure out what to do next. I'm pretty sure that my husband didn't have a physical relationship with his ex, just an online one. I read all of their emails to eachother and everytime they set up a meeting the next day there would be either one from him claiming car trouble ect.. or one from her wondering why he hadn't shown up. The only day I'm not entirely sure of is the last one, when he claims to have been at the party. It's been almost a year and his story hasn't changed at all. Usually I've caught him because he sucks at remembering his lies. He never called the ex on the phone either, I had checked all the phone bills when it happened. As far as the mutual friend goes, I am 100% sure he hasn't slept with her since we've been together. She lives in Atlanta and we live in Boston. The problem is that he swears that he'll do anything I want to save this marriage. He is completely wonderful when we are together and he is a great dad. When he tells me that he's trying he is completly believable, and in some ways I actually believe that he thinks he is trying. Everything I have asked him to do, he does, except then he does something else. I asked him today if he would consider marriage counciling and he said that he thinks its a wonderful idea. I really love him but I can't live with lies. Do you/anyone think it is really possible for someone to change?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 11:27am
Its always POSSIBLE for someone to change, if they want to. He may say he will do anything to save the marriage, but will he?? Or will he just find another way AROUND the "rules". He knows what is acceptable. He is acting like a child... "you said no contact with my EX, not no sexual contact with anyone" etc.

My thoughts is no, he wont change. He is a smooth talker, telling you what you want to hear. Maybe not on purpose, maybe he really believes it when he says it. He just cant quite stick to it. Why should he when you keep accepting his lies???? Why should he stop doing what he wants when you keep on making excuses and allowing it to continue? Im not saying anything mean against you, we have all done it at one time or another, I am just saying - he knows he can get away with it.

Children do need stability. BUT they need happy parents too. They pick up on everything. Don't be unhappy just for the kids...they are not stupid and will eventually pick up on the tension and stress between you two.

Just my thoughts - take care, good luck - let us know what you do

PlayNICE

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 11:13pm
Your post is like me being able to look into the future. (See To Be or not to Be) posted on January 23. I have it posted elsewhere as well and one person wrote to me and said basically.....If he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior, he's not going to change. I know your situation is a little different cause you are married to him, if he is willing to go to counselling it is at least worth a try. I would really like to know what happens. Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 3:51am

sorry for what you are going thru. I am currently getting out of a seven year second marriage to a big liar/manipulator also. and no, i don't really think people can change UNLESS *they* want to , unless *they* think that something is wrong with their life and *they* are willing to do the work to change.


as things are now - your husband can do (and does!) whatever he wants. he lies as easily as he breathes, almost. so - the question is not if HE can change - but the question is what YOU will do.


what would make sense would be for you to say to him - ok, you are willing to go to therapy, you are willing to change - fine,