Help, what's going on here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Help, what's going on here?
2
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 12:39pm
Hello everyone. Here's my problem. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years. I'm 26 and he's 31. Last week was our 5 year anniversary. I thought that we were going to to something special. But to my surprise, he told me that "it's just 5 years of dating, not like we are married or anything." So we didn't do anything. In fact he spent it with his guy friends. Also, lately we have been talking about getting married and all that stuff. On that night he told me that he was not ready to get married but, he thought that maybe he could start on working towards a future for us but now he doesn't want to. I asked him how long he expects me to wait for him to be ready and he said "I never asked you to wait." What is going on? Thanks for your help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 6:03pm
Hi. I think that you already know the answer. As hard as it may be for you to admit, his actions point to: he is not interested in a committed relationship with you. I don't know your relationship and maybe there're issues that you need to address. I would talk to him and ask if there're any issues that he has with the relationship and really LISTEN. If there are issues, you can try a couple's therapy, but it takes both partners to want to work on a relationship in order to succeed.

If he does not want to communicate or work on a relationship, I would cut the losses and let it go. Analyze your relationships history. Perhaps, take some relationships seminars to learn new approaches and be in a support group. And move on. ...my 2 cents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 6:20pm
Sounds pretty straightforward to me.

YOu've been dating him while pursuing a future...and he's been deciding on which direction he's future is going to go while not including your needs, goals, and plans overmuch while determining his destination.

He's saying "when I decide what I want in life, you MIGHT be welcome to come along. But don't put off getting your own needs met and your own goals fulfillled - because there is no guarantees about me."

Lots of people "talk about marriage" - back off, adn women take that to mean they got "scared"....no, it's just that they were talking about marriage in general terms but specifically with you, about someday per their own goals and agenda...and you've taken it to mean you're included for sure, and you're waiting on him to figure out what direction you two are going.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com