Help, what's going on in my Marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Help, what's going on in my Marriage
39
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 11:23am
Marriage is so tough.


Edited 7/23/2003 8:15:07 AM ET by carmen409

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 11:36am
It's possible you both got into marriage with some very unrealistic expectations of what marriage is and owld provide. If you were thinking marriage as an institution would provide you with social acceptance, a greater sense of self-identity, a never ending source of companionship and approval....that is where the problem lies.

And that is likely what you believed to some degree if you married or at least planned the marriage in the heat of infatuation. The first 3-9 months of dating.

If that's the case and you need more insight, let me know.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:03pm
If you're both committed to working things out, then great. You'll probably be successful.

BUT it doesn't sound like you're committed. You want to leave him. You're tired of working on things. That's completey understandable. Marriage CAN be very hard work, IS very hard work, but there also comes a point when it's TOO MUCH work. There comes a point when the work you're putting into goes beyond that of what is considered the "normal" work of marriage.

Maybe you should try the separation again and see how things go from there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:17pm
My husband and I got married after dating for five years. However, four of the five years we dated were in a long distance relationship.

I'm torn over the feelings I have for my husband. I know I was absolutely crazy about this guy in high school. He was a bad boy but he had a good heart and I wanted him so bad. Unfortunately or fortunately based on what he's done with his life now, he didn't feel the same about me. I had always thought what I felt for that guy was "love". I've never quite felt that for my husband. I care for him, I think he'd be a good provider, and I feel as though he cares for me and I guess I'm starting to believe that's all there is to it. There isn't anything else. Since I've never dated anyone else, I'm curious as to what I could have. Like if there's more than what I have now with my husband? Sometimes I feel so guilty for thinking this way but I do wonder. However, since I haven't really dated anyone and I've been with my husband for almost a total of ten years, many of my friends and family members tell me that I'd probably be eaten alive out there because I'm too naivee.

But then I also wonder if maybe my biggest problem is having such an unrealistic view of marriage and I've got a gold mine in front of me and I can't see it.

Thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:19pm
If I could change just one thing about these boards, it would be to require that anyone posting a "relatioship" question such as yours' would be required to state both your own age and your SO's.

My thoughts on your difficulties would be entirely different if you guys are in your very early twenties vs if you are in your thirties or forties, for example.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:21pm
That's a great point. I'm not sure I know what's too much work? I like have no clue what the heck I'm doing and I know my husband is trying to figure it out himself. He didn't have any good male role models so he's just trying to figure things out himself but its like knowing all this doesn't make it any easier for me. I might have an issue with avoidance. Like when things get too tough I just want out but also everything that's happened between us makes me question whether I could have more in a marriage/relationship. However, my thinking could be unrealistic.

Carmen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:30pm
Carmen,

I believe you fell in love with waht you believed his potential to be. You dated "long distance" for most of your time together so that time together was spent impressing and pleasing - and being impressed and pleased. There was no protracted period (not cohabitation necessarily) that allowed you to see how this person's actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires (all justified and entitled by his values, priorities and boundaries) would impact you. And you on him, of course.

You appear to have fallen for an "image" that you created of him...and now that he's substantially different than that image you're naturally disappointed.

The greater problem though is one that you can cure. It seems that you believed to have a "relationship/marriage" would offer you acceptance, security, success, happiness, and a sense of identity and completion. And within the institution of marriage...or with a partner - you'll never find those things.

So basically, you wanted him based on what you thought he was, you didn't assess whether that would meet your needs becuase you believed that having him as a partner was all that you needed in order to be successful, secure, happy, and complete as an individual.

Self-actualization can be done while in a marriage...it'll completely alter the entire dynamic of the marriage.....and I highly recommend doing it ASAP.

If i can help, let me know.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:33pm
Hey there. I undertand what you are feeling. I was married to my first love young, but for all the wrong reasons...I got married because I had a baby, not becasue I was madly in love. I often wondered what I was missing out on, because I wasn't in love with my ex-husband and there was no passion. I was attached, but lonely. My ex had many problems that your husband doesn't have, he was an acholoic, drug user and liar. There was never a problem with another woman, that I know of, but in retropect, they could have been and I just wasn't aware. I divorced him after 8 years. I didn't divorce him because of greener grass, though. But even if your mate appears to be wonderful in most areas, if you don't love them, it doesn't matter. If you just don't love him, you just don't. I would try your very hardest to work on your marraige before you give up. The intensity of feelings change regularly, and if there's anything left, I would try and rekindle the flame (if there was a flame to begin with). At least if you make your best effort, you won't have any doubts or regets about ending your marraige, if that ultimately is what you decide. And if you do leave, don't worry too much about the dating scene. I was worried about being eaten alive,too. And I had a few bumps, but I was ok. Now I'm remarried. I'm madly in love with my husband, but there are still problems we're dealing with. I think in every relationship there are going to be problems, not matter what. So don't leave simply because your tired of working on the relationship...relationships ARE work. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:43pm
I'm 27 and my husband is 29.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:45pm
Please tell me more about the self-actualization?

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:47pm
Thank you so much for you post. It was very encouraging. Thanks again.

Carmen

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