HELP! Where do I draw the line!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
HELP! Where do I draw the line!?
2
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 11:37pm
Hi, I'm new here. I'm 23 years old, living at home, and am currently a full-time student trying to finish up my degree. I am dating a guy that I met on the internet, we've been dating for 6+ months. Things are going great, but I'm worried that some things may be getting in the way of my happiness. I'll try to explain w/o writing a massive novel. We live about 70 miles from eachother. I live in a busy suburb, and he lives in a rural area. The drive isnt' an issue at all, we both like eachothers' areas, enjoy the ride, and are great at splitting up drive-time. We're both pretty "simple" people - no frills or craziness. Though we come from different backgrounds, we have similar interests, and have surprising similarities. What worries me is that he's extremely insecure, unsure of himself, and I think he has anxiety problems. I'm a mildly depressed individual myself, ever since I had a severe reaction to some meds and gained 80 lbs - but I'm dieting, losing weight, and with medicinal therapy am a pretty happy person - so I don't discriminate against him for being that way. I am someone with ambitions, goals, and have hopes of living a fun, happy, upper-middle-class life when I settle down with a husband - and I'm working hard on my degree to ensure this. My man, on the other hand, is lacking in the ambitions area. He's had the same job, at a car dealer, for 4 years, which is admirable and I respect. He's extremely smart, LOVES business stuff & computer IT stuff, but isnt' too keen on going to school, and i think genuinely believes that getting a degree would be a waste of time & money. He takes classes, after I urged him to, but I think he secretly doesn't see the point. His family is great & loving, but they could care less if he was a parts guy at a car dealer or a CEO, so he gets no encouragment from them. The most concerning issue is that he's depressed & has anxiety issues. He needs a TON of daily reassurance, and affection, which I'm happy to deliver. But he has a tendancy to get upset about things, and crawl into a little "hidey hole" quiet mode where he just gets grumpy & quiet. No matter how many times I ask if he's ok, or offer to talk, he won't open up until finally he almost loses it - but even if we discuss it, and clear it up, he'll dwell on an issue and lose sleep over it for days. He's quite sheltered, and has never really been too far out of his small town. We recently went to Chicago, which he'd gone to briefly for a school trip a while back. He spent the entire weekend in his "hidey hole" quiet mode because he was incredibly nervous and uneasy about being in a city he's not familiar with. He got so caught up in the fact that he didn't know his way around (even though I do, I almost moved to Chicago twice, and know it very well), that it almost ruined the weekend. (Isn't that the point of vacations? To visit places you've never been, and want to explore?) HE was SO excited about the trip before-hand, that I was shocked to see how upset he was. I've talked to him about therapy and medicine, and encouraged him to make his own personal decision about whether he can handle his own emotions alone - but he probably wouldn't go for therapy unless he was forced. He was on an anti-depressant a while ago and he said that it made him too drowsy, and he felt stupid for having to take the meds so he stopped. There have been times where he is so visibly upset, and he can't figure out why (honestly), that after hours of reassurance from me, I leave and go home. It's no fun to sit around with a bump on a log who won't talk, is upset but doesn't know why, and just sits there. I love him, and he loves me, and we could have a potentially great future, etc...but I'm very frustrated. It's becoming hard for me to constantly play therapist for him, and I really don't think that he can do it on his own (without therapy and maybe anti-depressants). A 24 year-old man shouldn't get so anxious & worried about being on vacation in a new city that he almost hyper-ventilates & cries. I don't know what to do. I want to be with someone more ambitious, and I'm seriously worried about his mental state. Is it wrong to ask him to get therapy? Should I leave him? I feel like I'm in too deep, and if I left, he'd be too crushed. Please help!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 12:58pm
Sounds like you have your hands full. Meeting someone, falling in love and getting attached, then all the odd things about them come out. You've shown this guy a lot (mentally, emotionally, life experience, travel, etc) and he's got problems, lots of emotional problems. I don't know how you can go about getting help for him.

But I do know if you stay, you will stay in your current role:

::It's becoming hard for me to constantly play therapist for him, and I really don't think that he can do it on his own (without therapy and maybe anti-depressants).

His therapist unless you are able to stop, let the relationship go by the wayside slowly, offer to go to therapy with him, etc.

Consider reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I hope someone else has some good advice for you. My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 12:06pm
It sounds like to me that he has a major anxiety issue. And it sounds all to familiar to me. I still get a little freaky just going to the grocery store. Ask me to drive somewhere I have never been, and I get jittery and nervous. I have lived in the same city my entire 32 years and still get lost. Too many people in one place, ie; the grocery store above, and I actually get scared. Then, somedays I am fine!!! Take me anywhere, do anything etc. I will still get anxious in new places and crowds but I m willing to try. I am making myself do new things more - I realize professional help is the best bet, but I am still working up to it I guess.

I'am thinkful for my df who is more than understanding and usually notices when I am getting overly anxious and comforts me.

My anxiety is not complicated by depression that I am aware of, and that is where your bf is having a major problem. He really does need to check out therapy. Maybe one who will work with him w/o meds? Behavior modification?? There are so many different alternatives.

You have to remember that if you choose to stay and he decides not to get any help, you will continue to be the therapist in the relationship. What happens when you need support???

Couples counseling? Workshops? Church? Check out some books together regarding these issues.

Good luck - hard place to be, he sounds like a great guy if he would be willing to get this together.

PlayNICE

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.