help...between two men!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
help...between two men!!!!
4
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 11:39am
I have been dating a GREAT guy for over a year. Its been a great relationship, and he treats me wonderfully. The only problem is my ex boyfriend. We dated for four years straight and broke up while he was away working in another state. I know the distance seperated us, and we were going to get married a year after he got back. I got scared of getting married, and just flipped and cut it off with him. I had also cheated on him toward the end with my now boyfriend. Now the problem is, I miss my ex terribly. He has a new girlfriend, who is one of my old friends(grr)...but he still calls me and tells me that he loves me. I see him occasionally, but i have not cheated with him. My now boyfriend wants to marry me and im not ready. I dont know if that is because i still love my ex or what? I need help! i hope someone else has been in this situation and knows some great advice. I guess my questions are....should i stay with my boyfriend or take some time alone??i have not been alone in over 5 years....what do i do about my ex? im very confused...i hope someone can help!




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 7:49pm
Could it be that you only want your ex back because he has a new (ex) girlfriend? I dated someone for 2 years and after we broke up he dated someone else and eventually married her but would still call me and try to see me at work and tell me it was a mistake to get married, etc. It bothered the hell out of me to the point that I put my dating on hold to see if he'd break up and come back - mistake! You need to take a break from the current boyfriend and sort out your feelings for your ex. If you are still in love with him you need to see how he feels for you, if his feelings are still there then maybe you should give it another try. But, if you only want him because he has someone else . . . Try to figure it all out. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 8:54pm
It sounds to me like your fear of marriage is leading you to cheat. Will you now cheat on your current boyfriend with your ex? Do you want what you can't have?

Maybe it is time to talk to a counselor to figure out why you are doing this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 1:09am
Been there, pretty much the same situation. You need to tell current BF you are not ready for marriage as you are not certain you're ready to settle with one person. Phrase it better than that maybe, lol. You can still date BF, but maybe you should try being alone for a period of time. Have your own space. You want to be 100% committed and sure either way.

Unavailability seems to make people more attractive. Maybe if you were free, the ex wouldn't actually want you as much as he thinks. Maybe he just wants to see if he can get you, like a challenge. You don't want to be somebody's game. Maybe you both just want to try it out because it is familiar, or to give it one more go. Look on down the road and be brutally honest in what you see. Where do you see each of these guys in 6 years? Where do you see yourself? Take a GOOD long look at their family relationships. These are great predictors. WOuld you want to be married to his father? WOuld you want him to treat you like he treats his mother? Would you mind if he DIDN"T treat you like he treats his mother? (ie just because he treats her like a queen doesn't mean he -or she- has room for two of them in his life). My husband was so sweet and protective of his little sisters, I thought that meant he would be that way with our kids- didn't happen. He had big dreams/plans and said all the right words, but his actions didn't match up (and I thought I could spot a dreamer for sure!)

I still have moments of what if I had stayed with guy #1. We were together many years and DH and I married a year after we started dating. I wish I had spent time on my own in between. I really think things would have been different- like I wouldn't be with either of them!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 11:03am
That is some great advice!! Thanks a lot!! I really think that I need some time on my own. That is what everyone who I have talked to about this has told me. I just need to be selfish. Im just scared to hurt my boyfriend. They both treat their mothers wonderfully and they both have great families. Thats another reason it is so hard. They both have treated me great also. I really think that my ex still has sincere feelings for me. We have talked about if we ever do get back together, we are going to do it right and at the right time. We are both getting our careers started and want to have our own seperate lives established before anything, if anything, ever happens. We are too important to each other to jump into anything. So im sure his feelings are sincere.