Help..I don't know wat to do anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Help..I don't know wat to do anymore.
2
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 11:46pm
I've posted a message in here b4,about a few weeks back concerning my relationship of two years has lost its spark. Well, me n my bf tried to bring back the spark. But the thing is, things didnt really change much and we pretty much stick together cuz we love each other.

The problem now is, about a week back, we were talkin over the phone and he told me that he loves me but he looks upon me as a sister. He doesn't look at me as a woman in his life anymore. He also said that I'm a bit of a guy, n that maybe the reason why he feels that way. I was so hurt and angry and I asked for a time off. After a few days we talked n I told him that I dont know if I shud hang on and try to make things work. He tried to talk me into staying and I finally agreed to stay. But I did tell him, that even if I changed, I dont think that his thinking of me as a sister would change. I still dont believe that.

Yesterday, I had another talk with him, or rather I talked to him over the fone, n he said he pretty much still feel the same way. And I asked him, why is it that he never wants to discuss things with me? And he gave an answer that really hurt me: Maybe you're the only one i cant discuss things with. It hurt a lot. After i cooled down, i talked to him, and he told me that even though he looks at me as a sister, he still loves me. And he admits that he doesn't know what to do, and he's really frustrated that things are turning out this way. He wishes that he can look at me as a woman, but if I cant change that's the only way he can look me as. I do admit that sometimes I do look at things in a guy's perspective, and there are many things that my girlfriends dont understand about guys,which I do. I also do admit that sometimes I am a bit boy-ish, but I can't help it. Now,I'm thinking of tryin to find myself. To find the real woman in me. At the same time, half of me tells me that it won't work out even if i change and find the real me (I'm tryin to find myself for my sake, not for his). I'm thinking of letting go,but at the same time i love him too much and I cant bear to part with him.

My questions are, what is it that a girl does that makes a guy look at her in a different light?(as in from a woman to a sister) And what is it that I can start with to find myself? And what do i do to make him change the way he looks at me? And how really does a woman act? I'm really curious about that because i want to know what is it that sets me apart from a true woman.

I am also thinking that maybe our intimacy is gone, because we dont make out anymore and that maybe the lust is all gone.

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 1:12pm
Relationship Resuce by Dr Phil has tests in it to define what you need and want in a relationship, if both you and your bf took the test you might get some insight on what he defines as 'being a woman.'

It could be the way you dress (clothes, heels, make-up, etc), the perfume you wear, the way you present yourself. However, change yourself for him to keep him is not always the best way to go. I mean, he should on some level like who you are.

I wish you the best.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 3:39pm
You know I have a co-worker that says the same thing about his wife. And he has really never given an explanation of why he feels that way. For one he does not live with his wife and he only see her during holidays and when college is out for her becuase she is an instructor in another state. It is weird that men think like that especially when you are married how do they draw that conclusion. I think that if he can't give you a straight forward answer to this situation you may need to start thinking about what are you going to do for yourself to remedy this. It's always hard letting go of someone that you really care for but sometimes you have to do what you gotta do for yourself. You don't want to stay in a relationship and you are going to be unhappy all of the time and wondering how he views you as a person. That is not good for you physically or mentally.