Help!!My bf behaves like a child at 33..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Help!!My bf behaves like a child at 33..
10
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 4:18pm
Hello Everyone,

My bf and I have been together for 2 yrs now and I love him very much. He and I have been having various problems lately. I find that I tend to be a bit clingy and most if not all of it is due to the fact that he cheated on me earlier in our relationship. We broke up in the past but eneded up getting back together. Still I feel a lot of insecurity. It also doesn't help that he now expects me to account for all of my time spent away from him as if I was the one who cheated. Not only that but he asks questions constantly about who I'm calling and who's calling me. Anytime he's at my house he wants to know about everything he sees. If I have a piece of paper laying down that I doodled hearts on he wants to know why I did it and what the hearts are for. I have to explain everything to him and it really bothers me because as I said I've never even remotely cheated on him. The thing that hurts the worste is that when we got back together after being apart for a few months I told him everything that had gone on in my life for the few months that we didn't speak. I no problem with it because I had nothing to hide. The only thing I had done was go on a date or two here and there. I told my bf that I had gone out with a guy one time and that he was really nice and liked me a lot but that I just wasn't interested in going out with the guy again. Well, due to the fact that this particular guy is of a different race than my bf and I he throws it in my face every chance he gets.Everytime we argue he says something about it or brings this guy up and I haven't spoken to this person in several months. In a way I regret telling my bf the stuff I told him. He never lets anything go. Now he's doing this thing where it seems like he creates situations to see if I'll give in. For Example: Saturday late afternoon I went to a family function but my bf didn't want to come so I went alone. There were prizes given out for certain games and I won a really cool table centerpiece sort of thing. Everyone thought it was really nice including my mom. I didn't really know what I was going to do with it but it seemed like something my bf might enjoy. Well, I went over to his place later that night and I showed him the thing. The first thing he said was that it wasn't really his style. So I said ok well I'll give it to my mom because she said how much she liked it. He said no and that it wasn't fair that I was taking it back because I had first given it to him. I reminded him that he said he didn't want it. He said well now I want it.He told me exactly where in his house he would put it and he sounded sincere so I said ok you can have it. As soon as I said that he got this little smirk on his face. So I said you really don't want it do you? He said no I don't want it I just wanted to see if you would give it to me. I was really bothered by this but I didn't say anything. Well, the next day when I was leaving his house and taking the centerpiece to give to my mom he started making little comments about how it's not fair that I was taking back something I had given him. The same thing happened Yesterday when he and I went shopping. We brought two folding tables that had to be put together one for him and one for me to take home. We put the first one together and he put it in his kitchen and said that one was his. I said ok. After we put the next one together he realized that we had done a better job on it than the one before so he said he was going to take that one. I said no that's not fair you already chose yours. He said no and that he changed his mind. We went back and forth for a few minutes and he seemed really upset to me. So I just said forget it, take the one you want.After I said that he got happy again and he said no you can have it. I told him that I didn't want it at that point and he said that it was ok he only wanted to see if I would really give it to him. What is this about??? After I left his house at about 5 yesterday he called me at 8pm. He said that he tried to make dinner but it didn't go right so he was going to make sandwhiches and some soup. He asked me if I would come and have some with him although I had already eaten(he lives 5 min. from me). I said ok but hadn't planned to stay the night. I ened up taking him some of the food that I had for dinner which he was very pleased to see. I stayed and watched tv with him for about an hour and then he said ok it's time for you to go now before it gets too late. I agreed with him. At some point he changed his mind and didn't inform me because suddenly he didn't want me to leave but instead of saying I'd like for you to stay(which he never says) he just started turning out the lights in the house as I stand there with my jacket on ready to go. Then he says come on it's time to go to bed. I told him that I needed to go home because I share the house with my mom and before I left my house I told her that I wasn't sleeping at my bf's house and that I'd be home in a little bit. He said that I should call her and tell her that I changed my mind. I told him that I didn't want to because I could tell my mom was a bit lonely and I also wanted to sleep in my own bed since I had slept as his house the entire weekend including Friday night. He finally said ok and I left. He called me on my cell phone and ttalked to me while i drove home and stayed on with me until I got inside to make sure everything was ok. Once I was inside he said that he was going to bed so I said ok. I ended up calling him literally right back though because I wanted to tell him that I had a nice time withhim over the weekend but he didn't answer. I called twice but no answer. Then I tried calling him at work today and he didn't pick up but he called me a few min. ago and was kinda cold. Then he said that he would call me later. I totally can tell that he was upset that I didn't stay over lastnight but if I ask him or mention it he'll be upset plus he'll deny it. I really am confused because it's always me who wants to spend more time with him and he says no for some reason. I've never turned him down to do anything with him and just because of this one time he was upset. I'd like to know if there's something more going on also because yesterday we were talking and out of the blue he asked me if I enjoyed sleeping with him. I told him yes but he asked again a couple more times. He also asked me if I would like to go on another vacation with him(we went away in january together). At first I didn't really say anything eitherr way because he has a habbit of getting me excited about something and than acting like he doesn't want to talk about it if I bring it up at a different time until he gets ready for it to happen.He asked me again about it and I said yes. He's also being extra affectionate not just physically but emmotionally as well. I like it but this extra sensitive behavior is weird and I don't know how to handle it. Can someone help me to understand any of this please? What's with all the tests?? What is it that he wants me to prove?

Samara

P.s. Bf is very affectionate toward me but if I try to kiss him first or hug him or something he says no and tells me to move but literally 2 minutes later he's kissing and hugging me. This has been going on for quite a while. If I initiate any type of affection it's not the right time for him but when he does it it's always the right time and if I ever say that I'm not in the mood for it he says that I'm mean and unaffectionate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 4:58pm
Here's the help you're seeking: This an unhealthy relationship. It's not going to become healthy, happy and successful unless and until both of YOU become emotionally healthy, happy and stable *individuals* (separate and apart from any relationship). Yes, that will take some hard work and effort on your part. However, until you do that, you will not be able to find or develop a successful and healthy relationship with him or anyone else. There are plenty of books to read that can help you, and counselling might be an option as well. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 5:05pm
From what you described, he sounds manipulative and abusive. He's punishing you for not staying with him. Not answering the phone last night, if he was home, he was punishing you, but what if he went out after you left?

You know some of your own issues, you might consider working on those issues for yourself.

Not much advice here, I hope someone else will respond.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 5:27pm
Yes, I feel like i was being punished as well. However, when I spoke with him today I asked him if something was wrong and he said no yet he continued to be cold toward me. I pretty much know for a fact that he didn't go out lastnight after we spoke. I really feel that he was punishing me by not answering the phone then and I feel like he continued today with the way he acted toward me over the phone etc. I feel bad also because usually it's me telling him that I'd like to come over or stay the night with him.He usually says yes and wants to spend time with me but I find myself having to initiate it more often then not. Yet, this weekend it was him asking for my time and being sort of clingy and in a way I feel like maybe I should have just stayed.I just hate feeling like I've done something really wrong when I know I haven't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 7:09pm
He is a childish little jerk and I can't understand why you are still with him. He is abusive and VERY controlling. Everything has to be about him. Everything has to be his way. Everything has to be his idea. You can't even give him a hug or a kiss?!?!? OMG He is so childish and selfish beyond anything I've ever seen. This isn't fair to you. If it were me I'd dump him. You have no need or dependency on him, right? So, besides the love (very one-sided love if you ask me and he certainly doesn't deserve to be loved by you) why are in this relationship? What are you getting out of it? What is it about him that drives you wild and makes you want to stay?

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 8:28pm
Right on the money, Boobee. Unfortunately, I have noticed during my many years reading these boards that although this answer applies to many of the posters here, few are ready or willing to accept this life lesson and do what needs to be done. If they could only know how relatively easy and content life becomes once emotional healthiness is achieved, maybe they'd be more likely to see the obvious. Kudos to you and others here though, for your diligence in trying to get the message through, even though so many don't listen. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 3:42am

sweetie - two words: GET OUT. two more words: get yourself to a therapist if you really belive that "this" is any kind of "healthy" relationship that YOU need to fix.


yes, your BF is very immature, very controlling, and this could lead to emotional and maybe physical abuse (these are the very initial warning signs). but that's HIS problem. the question is why would YOU stay in this kind of relationship, and take his C**P over and over and over, and then spend your time and energy dissecting what YOU did wrong. the only thing you are doing wrong is believing that you can make this work, in any kind of 'normal' way. you can't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 9:22am
hi samara

Boy, he's got you by the marionette strings, doesnt he? Why, honey, are you taking this and finding it acceptable? You evidently know that you dont deserve it, that it isnt justified, so WHY are you still there?

Its quite evident that he thinks that this is his world and you are doing nothing save making it a more wonderful place for him to live. You are his helper, not his equal in a relationship. Its his relationship, he sets the scene and the rules and you follow.

He has absolutely no consequences for his actions, his words, you let him change his mind and just deal with the repercussions, or his tempers. If you want this life, be ready for the total thing, which is (at the least) more mental abuse. That usually moves on to physical abuse later. (*raising hand "Know this!")

I can imagine how awful you feel, rejected, when you want affection and he turns you down. That is bad enough, and yet when you stop the action then he does it. This, the centerpiece etc, those are power issues - plain and simple. You=wrong and him=right. That is the gist of the entire ?relationship?.

Sweetie, we can easily fall in love with the wrong man, but I couldnt see WHY you would WANT to love someone who basically says that you are an idiot who is incapable of seeing what he needs and wants and he has to govern that at all times. You are only a fool if you let him PROVE that you are by staying in this mess. By staying, you condone. Leaving says, I deserve love and not this and you have no power over me, no matter what you think you do.

Look very closely at what you see, because this is going to be your life forever. IF YOU CHOOSE IT TO BE. What do we all want out of love? One of the biggest is acceptance, also tolerance, kindness, affection, forgiveness, love, ... Please sweetie, explain to me where you see ANY of these? Just one of them. ... ... ...Ya, me neither so why are you still there?

What you should be doing is looking very closely inside and seeing what you want from a relationship. Show real and true examples that he has for each one of your requests with his behavior. That should be the telling thing.

You deserve to find the love that you desire and if you dont, the only reason is that you decide that what he gives is fine with you. You can NOT move backward in a relationship to where he WAS nice, and he WAS giving, and he DID put you first. Those days are evidently gone and he is punishing you for moving on without him basically. You did something that is totally against his base thinking.

First of all, that type of close-mindedness: is this something that you would like your future children exposed to? I sincerely hope not. Racism is the only disease that is willingly passed down from generation to generation. Its hard enough to find someone to love without cancelling people out based on physical characteristics that they have no power over. That is extremely narrow minded and people who have these views are usually power fanatics. They see themselves as ABOVE others, and if they do it in one fashion, you can almost guarantee that they will set themselves above YOU also. I do believe that this is what he is punishing you for the most, actually and is the largest reason that I feel that you should leave with skidmarks, honey.

I hope you will at least think on this. I could be wrong, but I dont see any reason that you should stay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 11:18am
Randa,

Thank you so much for your reply. It was very enlightening in many ways. Everything that you said was right on target and friends of mine have mentioned that he is more than likely very bitter about the fact that I moved on without him during our months apart. I didn't start a new relationship at all but I did date and had a wonderful summer with my friends and family and didn't call him once. He would never admit that he was the least bit bothered by that though so I haven't mentioned it. It's weird to me because he dated also while we were apart. Definately a lot more than I did. Actually he started dating before we even broke up. Many of you guys mentioned therapy for me and I just want to say that I've ben in therapy for about 5 months now,maybe a little more. My therapy is a lot of the reason that I decided to post here in the first place. My therapist is excellent and she has told me just like a few of you have said that Iam undoutebly in an abusive relationship which before therapy was something that I couldn't fathom. Now I see it so much clearer with the help of you guys too. All of the things he's done to me I just can't even believe but no matter what there's apart of me that feels that if I were better in some way that he wouldn't treat me this way. I guess that's a lot of the reason for my therapy.

Bluemarlin and Sk1960,

You guys are wonderful too. Both of you were so adamant about just leaving the relationship and I completely understand that. So many times I've wanted to and so many times I have actually broken up with him only to get back together at somepoint though. The thing is that if he were mean and nasty and immature etc. all the time It would be so cut and dry and I probably wouldn't even need to post here but it's just not that way. He does a lot of wonderful things for me and believe it or not he's really good to me often. This is now what I recognize as the "Cycle of abuse" though. Unfortunately the good never outweighs the bad with him and it never has. I'm hoping that my therapy will also help me with my fear of being alone.Does anyone have any advice on that?

Secretiger...??

Unfortunately I found your reply to my post to be extremely condescending and very discouraging as well. People obviously come here to post because they really seek advice from people who may have been there before or whatever the case. In your reply you spoke about how the answers given applied to many and how so many never listen and aren't willing to accept this life lesson blah blah blah....I'm sorry have we met?? I have never even posted here before yet you're talking about how so many don't listen. Geez give me a chance to listen.The date on my original post was 4/26/04 which was only yesterday. I mean is there a "Take head to the advice you get within 24 hours or your ivillage membership will be revoked" rule that no one info'd me about? Please excuse me if I'm taking this too personally or if your comments weren't directed toward me. In which case I would say you replied to a thread that I started RE: a problem I'M having in MY relationship(or the lack thereof) So one would think that you had some advice to give or maybe a kind word to say. Believe me I'm open to all advice no matter how harsh or blunt but your replying to my post talking about me as if I'm not here???What's up with that? I'm glad yours wasn't the first reply because I probably wouldn't have stayed here. I thought this board was for people to come and be heard and get advice?

Samara

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:33pm
Samara, I'm so glad to hear that you are in therapy and that you've recognized your relationship for what it is - abusive. I had a very hard time with that label when I was where you are. I was under the misguided impression that, unless he hit me, it wasn't abuse. I just want to say a couple things.

First, each time you broke up with him it was because you knew, deep down in your gut, that you deserved better and that this is not healthy. Why did you go back each time? Was it because he promised to change and treat you different? Has he changed or did he just put on a good show to entice you back with the false promises? If you break away from an abusive relationship it is recommended (as you did over the summer) that there is absolutely NO CONTACT.

Second, this will get worse. It always must get worse because his goal is to control you. These 'tests' are just that. Excercises to train you, condition you. Incredibly, he even admits to your face, it's not about the actual table or issue, it's whether or not he can get you to do what he wants you to. He's open about what he's doing because he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He *expects* you to cater to his every whim and for the most part "to keep the peace", you sacrifice. This plays right into his hand. On the occasions you stand up for yourself and his treatment of you, you need to be put back down in your place for him to maintain the control he needs. As you become wise to one of his tactics, he must abandon that for a stronger one to keep the control.

Third, your feeling, "All of the things he's done to me I just can't even believe but no matter what there's apart of me that feels that if I were better in some way that he wouldn't treat me this way" has been conditioned into you by his lies. It would not matter what you did or did not do, if it does not work out his way, it will be blamed on you. (If you take the first or the second table, you don't win. If you stay or if you go, you don't win, etc.) He'll always argue to convince you that if it weren't for you, he'd never act the way he does.

Fourth and lastly, there is a message board here at ivillage called "recognizing and dealing with domestic abuse" that I recommend you visit. You will read story after story that will sound like someone writing about your bf. Read the home page and use that board and those wonderful caring women (who are or have been exactly where you are) as an enhancement to the individual therapy you are doing. Please at least come over and lurk. WHAT YOU ARE ENDURING IS NO WAY TO LIVE. YOU DESERVE MUCH BETTER.(BTDT)

Good luck to you, Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 4:24pm
Hi Susan,

I guess the reasons for my going back to him those times was because I wanted to believe so badl that he had changed. I felt like he knew exactly what I wanted/needed from him so if he didn't intend or couldn't for some reason treat me the way I deserved to be treated why would he even bother coming back into my life.Also it was as you said he kinda put on a good show to get me hooked again and then once he had me he was his old self again.

Over the summer I was really sticking to the whole no contact thing. I was actually so upset and hurt by him that I couldn't have called him even if I wanted to. I had no clue what I would possibly say to him. He would call me but I never answered or returned his calls.I know that he's bitter about that.It felt so good though. I was really happy. Then one day I ran into him at the park. He was there playing b-ball with his friends and I was there eating icecream and feeding the ducks with my friends. He walked over to me and said hello and it was downhill from there. I told myself to not get sucked in again but ofcourse I did.Since both of our friends were around he asked me if we could go for coffee later that night and talk and I agreed. At that point I couldn't remember not one bad or negative thing about him. Can you believe it?? Anyway, we were back together completely almost immediately.About a month into it he was back to his old self again only worse than ever before.

I've thought about the fact that things will get worse. I know it's a fact because things have progressed so much from when we first started seeing eachother. Things have even progressed more from when we got back together this past August until now. It seems like the more he gets to know me(the longer we're together)the more of himself he shows me. I guess in a normal relationship this would be a great thing but in this relationship as time goes on I don't get any more of his heart but I get lots more of his anger,manipulation,hurtful words/actions etc. I'm afraid of what it would be like another year from now with him. He always talks about how he's so dead set against hitting women & stuff but who knows. Sometimes he looks like he's so close to grabbing me or something. Susan, I know I deserve better than this and I also know that I will have it but in order to do that I have to first let go of this thing I've called a relationship for two years and let go FOR GOOD.I've also lurked on the recognizing and dealing with domestic violence board. I actually read posts there everyday but I haven't posted yet. I will very soon though.

Thanks again,

Samara