help/opinions needed:-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2007
help/opinions needed:-(
4
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 2:38am
I really have felt lately that my husband just doesn't care to have or make conversation with me. We have been married for a year now and he is home on a 5 days or so pass before he has to leave to Iraq. You would think he'd want to sit down with me, talk to me, go on walks... you know the good stuff... well he doesn't.. he only cares to talk and watch tv with his buddy... and then at night he wants to have sex... but im not into it anymore because it doesnt seem real.. just that he needs someone to have sex with....he doesnt invite me to go with him places doesnt offer to do something for me or compliment me... I'm confused and upset and I don't know how to tell him without him getting offensive withme... i try to tell him something and he says "well ireally dont like your attitude right now" He used to be so perfect whenwe first got married... he'd always want to do something for me.. and he cared about me so much... i dont know what the problem is.... maybe someone can help??
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 7:47am
I would not take it to heart, only because he probably has alot on his mind. You both probably have other issues you are working through, you wanting more time with him before he goes & him needing to prepare for a scary absence from you. I would give him his space and just enjoy the time you have before he goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 12:44pm

Its pretty difficult to discuss anything serious when you know he's leaving in 5 days. OTOH, I would think that given the dangerous situation he's in - he would want to spend as much time with his wife as possible! I think you two have very serious communication problems. My suggestion is to wait until he comes back and then sit him down and tell him you two need help. You need to learn to communicate or this marriage will not work. It sounds from his reponse that you may be waiting until you are upset or emotional before you tell him how you feel. So he just gets his back up. When you have a problem, you sit him down and VERY calmly tell him in "I" sentences what the problem is. For example, you say to him, "honey I really need to speak with you - do you have 10 mins to talk with me?" Then turn off the TV, the radio and sit facing each other. Then calmly tell him, "when you are getting ready to leave me, I feel that we don't spend enough time togeteher. I need some quality time with my husband and I'm sad that it feels like we don't have fun together anymore." Then you wait. Even if he pauses for a while - let it sink in. It may be coming out of left field for him. He may create excuses like, "well I have been busy, I have X, Y or X going on...etc" but just agree with him. "I know you are really busy & stressed out - I just want to be by your side. I feel like I'm being left behind and not part of your life anymore." So the conversation goes. Here is another major tip: make sure you are CLEAR about what you want before you start the conversation. If he says, "I'm sorry - what would you like me to do?" Then you need to answer this question.

Good luck and I'm sure you can get back what you had :)

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 2:32pm

Welcome to the board prettypinktoenails88,


My guess is that he's already pulling away from you because he knows he's going to be gone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 3:39pm
Don't let his reactions keep you from communicating your feelings. Make sure you are doing so calmly and also listening to what he says. If he chooses to dismiss what you are saying at least you have it off your chest. Communication has to start with one of you. I like the other suggestions of writing a letter and being clear on what you would like to see change before going into the conversation. Deployments can be very stressfull on both the AD member and the spouse, this could simply be his way of coping.
Good Luck
E.