help...verylong though
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help...verylong though
| Fri, 09-03-2004 - 3:27am |
ok, this is a bit long. my ex and i lived together about a year and broke up. alot due to his son's mother and him never voicing when things were wrong. he grieved over our relationship he says. yeah, well, about a month later i found out that he and his son's mom were getting back together and moved her to our apartment. eventually they got married for about 6 weeks. i was heartbroken, angry and all you can think of by him doing me the way he did. but, when i found out he was getting a divorce i called him up. i really did it to see how pathetic he was and to let him see i was not broken by him. we became friends and all the while knowing eachother didn't want a relationship. it turned physical and i was still able to keep it just that. then we started discussing working things out. he said he wanted to be with me and wanted to work things out . we agreed to try but no pressure just let it happen. well, i was recently informed he was thinking about moving to another state for 5 years for another job. of course i got mad told him . he said"i told you a relationship is at the bottom of my priorities". i feel so stupid and told him i was stupid to listen to him. we talked last night and he said he didn't know what he wanted. and that his head is a mess. he's looking for a second job to pay for bills for him and his son. he said he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now and he was sorry for hurting my feelings. ok. enough history. i still love him and want to be with him ,but, at the same time i am tired of being hurt and waiting. how can someone screw up this bad and not learn anything !! if he wanted me then there would be no question right? i don't understand why i am allowing as this to go on and wind up in the same place. help from anyone would be great.

Sorry you are hurting and that you have to go through this. I will try to answer your questions.
::he said he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now and he was sorry for hurting my feelings. ok. enough history. i still love him and want to be with him ,but, at the same time i am tired of being hurt and waiting.
This will be hard to hear, but I hope you HEAR what he said. "he said he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now " That means he doesn't want a relationship with you. No amount of loving him, waiting for him, wanting him, etc. is going to change that. He's said it, but for some reason you haven't heard him, you don't want to believe it, you don't want to accept it, you want to be able to change his mind, etc. Please don't live in denial.
::how can someone screw up this bad and not learn anything !! if he wanted me then there would be no question right?
Absolutely right! You have learned things, but the leasons hurt and you want different results. The first mistake was calling him after you heard he got a divorce. You made it VERY EASY for him to lean on you for emotional support. You were the transitional person for him after the breakup with is ex. You said you didn't want a relationship, but you allow it to evolve into more than a friendship, by not keeping clear boundaries.
::i don't understand why i am allowing as this to go on and wind up in the same place.
Because there is a part of you that thought if you just loved him enough, was good enough, was better at something or other, that he would fall in love with you, and you would be everything he ever wanted (hmm, or that he would admit he made a mistake in going back to her in the first place, thereby making you feel better about yourself). Your self-esteem doesn't come from him wanting you with him, loving you, etc, it comes from within you. You can't love him enough, make him want you enough to take you with him. It has to come from within him, and it's something you have no control over.
My best to you on your healing path.
Carrie