HELP...what should I do?
Find a Conversation
HELP...what should I do?
| Thu, 08-19-2004 - 5:25pm |
Hi,
First time I am posting a message here ...I am very confused about this situation and I need some advice! I met a wonderful guy on Jun 27th and have been dating him since. The relationship got very intense it seems really quickly and I have come to really like this guy. I have been divorced for six years and this is the first person I felt really good about in a very long time! Somehow I knew right off that it would be more than just a fling ...we just connected really nicely. Last weekend we spent three days in NYC and had a very romantic time and I think it really took the relationship to another level. Soooo I let him know that I was really liking the quality of the time we were spending together and that his presence in my life was really making a difference. At that point, which was last night, he decided to tell me that we needed to talk because he felt that we were both getting in rather deep and he said even though he really cares for me he does not think he wants a 13 year old boy (my son whom he hasn't even met) in his life. He is 56 and has raised two children and he is not up for the challenge of another teenager at this point in his life. I truly understand his point here but he wants to continue to have a monogomous, committed relationship however does not feel it can move to the next level because of the "baggage" I am bringing to the relationship. We spoke about this for an hour and a half and really beat the subject into the ground. He understands my dedication to my son and says maybe down the road that he may feel differently but before I fall head over heels I should know how he feels right now. So I don't know what to do. I appreciate his honesty but I am not sure I can live with this...what should I do???? Should I continue to date him and just see where this goes or even though I will miss him like crazy, should I just move on ...again!
First time I am posting a message here ...I am very confused about this situation and I need some advice! I met a wonderful guy on Jun 27th and have been dating him since. The relationship got very intense it seems really quickly and I have come to really like this guy. I have been divorced for six years and this is the first person I felt really good about in a very long time! Somehow I knew right off that it would be more than just a fling ...we just connected really nicely. Last weekend we spent three days in NYC and had a very romantic time and I think it really took the relationship to another level. Soooo I let him know that I was really liking the quality of the time we were spending together and that his presence in my life was really making a difference. At that point, which was last night, he decided to tell me that we needed to talk because he felt that we were both getting in rather deep and he said even though he really cares for me he does not think he wants a 13 year old boy (my son whom he hasn't even met) in his life. He is 56 and has raised two children and he is not up for the challenge of another teenager at this point in his life. I truly understand his point here but he wants to continue to have a monogomous, committed relationship however does not feel it can move to the next level because of the "baggage" I am bringing to the relationship. We spoke about this for an hour and a half and really beat the subject into the ground. He understands my dedication to my son and says maybe down the road that he may feel differently but before I fall head over heels I should know how he feels right now. So I don't know what to do. I appreciate his honesty but I am not sure I can live with this...what should I do???? Should I continue to date him and just see where this goes or even though I will miss him like crazy, should I just move on ...again!

Nothing you feel or say or do is giong to change that fact.
So if you continue to date him....STOP READING INTO ROMANTIC WEEKENDS, AND TIME SPENT TOGETHER - that he's emotionally bonded with you and pursuing a future.
He likes you - he thinks you're fun, intelligent, attractive, sexy, and smart...but what he doesn't want is "obligation and commitment to a 13 year old child". With good reason....at 56......he's going to be 63 BEFORE HE HAS TO FUND HIS COLLEGE CAREER!
If you want osmeone that wants cohabitation, commitment, to share the joys and sorrows of life and responsibilities of life with you - MOVE ON.
And if you want osmeone to date - to have fun, sex, companionship, shared events and conversation with - STAY WITH IT.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
If you can't do "sex without emotional attachment" - can YOU continue to date him and have sex, date other people and hope to get an emotional bond?
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
But men....what they're NEVER inunduated with is a subliminal message that says "without a woman or a committed relationship you're less of a man, that if you don't have a relationship you are incomplete, that if you don't have a relationship you're a failure..and that a relationship makes you "someone" at the internal and existential level that you're not without that relationship."
You see....men know the difference between the job and the benefits package.
Dating is not about a future. Not everybody dating is seeking a life partner. Some peopple, particularly the older they are and more they've gotten their lives in order, are specifically NOT seeeking a partner in terms of "sharing lifestyles, money, etc." But dating is NOT about a relationship, it's the means to a relationship. Dating is about fun, sex, companionsship, shared interests and ideas and conversations. Dating is about living in the moment, delighted in being found attractive and desirable, and being gracious and impressive as a result of that delight in being found so desirable!
Dating is about the here and now...not the future. Women generally don't comprehend that men do not consider "each woman the potential Ms. Right". Most men are about "timing" all their lives because of the above reality "I won't become waht I don't make of myself, I won't have what I don't provide for myself". So a relationship to a man is considered an "enhancement is his already great,complete life"...while most women believe that they won't have a great and complete life until they have a relationship.
That's a huge prioritization difference...and you can see the dilemma that would cause.
Dating is the "fun of the recruitment process" - only some people aren't seriously recruiting partners...and some people aren't seriously considered being recruited!
A relationship is a JOB......it's you knowing yourself well, having your goals and your needs well outlined and personally met, so that you choose a partner that you admire and respect for who they are - not what they offer you. YOu've got to know what you'll compromise and concede on...because you're going to. And you've got to know what you won't change your mind about becuase of "who youo are at the core"...and great relationships require both people to be "self-complete" entities prior to meeting, and remain self-complete entities once intertwined.
"The greatest relationships are those in which the desire for each other greatly outweighs the need for each other." Dahli Lama
So people "dating to find a life partner" - ideally know themselves well, they know where they are in life, where they want to go in life....and people choosing to date to find a life partner stick "within the personal priorities and parameters."
Men in particular....becuase men know that feelings are not facts, goals, and calls to action. That "feelings" wil not pay the bills. Feelings are a result of situations and if they compromise or concede in areas of great priority to them...the feeling that is going to follow is "resentment" - not love and admiration and adoration and desire.
I'd say that the man is serious...butI think this is where you're getting the mixed message.
He's saying, I'm 56, I don't want to raise more kids, but I do want a life partner,someone that shares my interests. Now, I'd be curious to know if he ver talked about that life partner becoming his wife....becuase that's more rare with older men. What they've earned by 45-50 is ALL they're going to have now and for the future - and they're loathe to risk it in a divorce split. Cohabitation is one thing....particularly if he already owns the house and you move in and never marry. If he wants out of the relationship - he just ships you out.
And at 56....life partner may mean just that...someone to share my interests and hobbies and daily life with....with commitment on the emotional level - but no commitment in the financial or otherwise realm.
And you're going - I'm a single mother, I forget your age but you're probably NOT 56 if you've got a 13 year old (my mother was the last mother to do that thatI ever met - and boy did SHE regret it!), I want someone to get married, to share the joys, obligations, and requirements of life WITH me equally, helping me meet my obligations, and enhance their life with my efforts and my personality and "our emotional bond" and shared interests.
So you're comparing what he's saying about waht he wants...which should be considered facts because he's stating them about himself, he ought to know...and you have no way to refute them as non-facts other than speculation/assumption/projection.
And then you're comparing what he's saying.....with how you interpret his actions based on your expectations and desires.
there's your mixed message......you're going - we just took a romantic weekend to NYC -surely that means we're progressing to another level. So that's your expectations nad desires for "another level" being compared against his actions....and you're going "well, I wouldn't take someone to NYC for a romantic weekend if I didn't want to take it to anothe level, so surely he must have wanted/meant the same thing as I would have when we went to NYC".
That's comparing his actions, to your interpetation of them based on your expectations and desires. That's why you're getting mixed signals. Since I'm not sure if this relates...I'll throw it in here. It's possible that you might be going "I wouldn't have introduced this man to my child, I wouldn't have my child seeing me in a sexually active relationship, I wouldn't be doing all this if it were not going to go to the next level."
That'd be a justification of why you're doin waht you're doing....with a hinge on his actions and his desires. YOu're basically saying "If he'd have said in the beginning of our dating - we can date, have fun, sex, romance, and enjoyment but nothing more until your child is out of the house - I'd have said no, can't do that, sorry and I'd have moved on." Which....is that what you would have done - had it come down that way?
Because if so...that's what you should do now.....because would have been you assessing the facts of his statement as facts, against your own expectations for and of yourself (not him based on review of his actions) and realizing that this situation cannot meet your needs, and self-responsibily ending it before you get emotionally attached and disappointed.
What I'd also like to touch on is your statement that went something like "we hammered this topic out and beat it to death". Not a quote - but it was something similar.
Notice something...you talked and talked, begged and pleaded...and waht didn't happen - he didn't move an inch on his stance. That he doesn't want to raise more children and won't get more emotionally involved as a reuslt of you having children.
Now, obviously he knew going into this early on that you had a child. So he's known all along that he wasn't going to get emotoiinally attached and involved and seek cohabitation and commitment. He knew these parameters all along.
All that has happened is that you went away for this romantic weekend, that situation inspired feelings in you - which you had expressing your expectations nd desires. Probably hadn't done this discussion that forthrightly before.
And he's now responding initially to you factually, honestly and calmly.....something he should have disclosed in the beginning (maybe)...that he didn't want to raise more children, and as a reuslt of you having one - he wouldn't be getting more emotinoally attached.
While it's great that your son has a dad....what you're NOT taking into account is that living with a owman who is raising a child is 'impacting and limiting" this man, since that is what you're wanting - cohabitation and commitment.
He wont' have a partner that he can whisk away on a whim for a 3-day mid-week excursion - the child has school, and activities, and needs. That this child daily has to be attended to, helped with homework, nurtured, mentored and disciplined. YOu say that this man has a great relationship with his grown children.
Know what....most people that have "grown children" with whom they have a great relationship put out tons of work, effort, sacrifice, and tolerance to get to the point where "as an adult - they each respect each other as adults". The man is simply saying "that portion of my life is done". I completely understand it....lots of men do not want to "raise more kids"....because they take the project seriously. In fact, several MEN I know that have custody of their children (especially daughters) will NOT cohabitate or marry until their children are grown and gone because of the fact they want no disparite influence, they want no conflictive message to the child. They date...but dating is ALL they do and they enjoy it immensely - but as one of them said to me, it's like having AIDS. If you know you have AIDS...it doesn't stop you from dating. But if you have character and integrity - it does stop you from having sex! And his metaphor was meant in the emotional sense. He says he enjoys all the owmen he's dated, he's enjoyed the experreinces, conversations, shared intrests and sex...but he's NEVER considered himself eligible to ocnsider any of these women as potential partners based on the age of his children, adn his standards and priorities and principles regarding raising them - oen of which is "as a primarily custodial parent, I will not marry until I am free to choose a partner that meets my needs, without having to consider my children in the picture. and my dates will not interacct with my children."
So that's where I think you are. I think he's enjoyed dating you immensely - he finds you attractive, worthy, sexy, desirable, intelligent, successful, and "all that"...but the parameters of your "situation" do not fit in his boundaries for his goal and therefore there is no way to "consider" you as a partnership entity.
Which...on that note I want to point out more clearly...he knew that from early in the dating period. And so he KNEW based on that, taht he wouldn't be getting emotionally involved and attached as a result. So he's NOT really looking for a life partner. What he's out there diong is dating "whoever turns him on" - because he's not considering meeting needs, obligations, or requirements with and for this person except in the immediate situational realm of the date...or the bedroom.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
It's nice that he was honest with you and let you know how he felt about raising your son. Sorry he didn't tell you sooner, before things even got to this place. Your son will always be in your life. Even when a child grows older there are challenges and responsibility. What
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.