Here again. What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Here again. What should I do?
13
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 4:28pm

Hello,

Its been awhile since I have been here.  Forgive me if this is a long post and I will give you a very brief version of what has gone on. I have been in a relationship for about 6.5 years.  My now fiancee (since last January) has broken up with me multiple times. He asked me to marry him about a year ago and I have been living with him in his townhome since then. He has had profiles on sex sites, dating sites, and takes pictures of women when we are on vacation.  Two years ago he was seen exposing himself to passers by on the street and got a citation from the police.  As a result, he lost his job last December 2011 and has been unemployed since.  This is also the time he asked me move in with him and marry him.  I should mention that in October of 2011 he had broken up with me.  A few weeks later I saw his dating profile on a dating site and he had included pictures of him I had taken on one of our vacations.  Despite all that, I accepted the ring a couple months later. This was last December.

Our history is shaky.  He has dabled with other women and I have always had suspicions.  As I said, I have seen his profile on sex sites in the past and he admitted to me that a few years back, met a woman at a parking lot and had sex with her in her car.

There were a couple women he liked at one of his jobs here in town from about 5 years ago.  Recently, on our computer I saw pictures of them he has taken recently.  They are pictures he takes while they walk around town.  One woman I guess takes regular walks with her infant and friend every morning, because I see the times the pictures are taken and they are always the same time.  And same background.  So, he found this woman and follows her around, takes pictures, and puts them on our computer.  There is a salon across the street and one of the stylists is a smoker.  He has an entire folder of her pictures.  All of these pictures are taken without the woman knowing.  But why does he do it? 

Well, today I was home alone and I looked at his credit card statement.  There is a charge posted this October for a sex site.  I was floored!  I asked him about it and he said he doesn't have a profile and that he is disturbed why I am asking him.  He told me that I don't trust him and that he doesn't feel right in this relationship.  By the way, we are supposed to get married in 2 months.  I am the one who postponed it twice.

Aside from all this, I am not happy.  I feel like he is not attracted to me at all.  Our life goals are totally different.  I don't know why I stay.  I am an attractive, educated and hard working woman.  I have the respect of everyone who knows me and no one would ever believe I have been this stupid.  And on top of it, he acts as though all of this is my fault.  That I should not question him.  And he lies to me. 

Please give me some advice.  There is so much to share, but this post would be a novel.  Please help me.

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Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 5:44pm

Move out, break up with him and have no contact. And get yourself into therapy to determine why you would want to be in a relationship with someone who exposes himself in public, pursues other women, and treats you badly. And who also seems to have proposed so that you could support him since he lost his job. You are unhappy, you have NO reason to stay with him and you need to make a life for yourself. Believe me, you can do MUCH better.

Tobermory

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 6:57pm

Thank you for your response.  I have been alone at home for the past 3 hours, so I already packed four bags and took them to my parents.  I am fortunate that they live about 10 minutes away.  I am finished with this relationship.  If you knew the things I have been through and stayed out of what I don't know, you would cringe. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 8:01pm

I find it absolutely astonishing that he had the nerve to tell you he "doesn't feel right in the relationship"!

It's also hard to understand why you thought this man was the man of your dreams and actually planned to marry him, but that's a whole other issue.  Lots of us have stayed with terrible men, but that's because something was wrong with us.  I did, and fortunately I've been out of the relationship for several years.  I won't date again until I'm sure that what caused me to believe I "loved" a man like my ex is out of my system and that I can think rationally and make healthy relationship choices.

I recommend you move out as quickly as possible.  Then change your number.  No matter what kind of excuses you can come up with why you "need" to remain in contact with him, none of them are more important than your emotional and psychological health.  Don't speak to him, don't see him, don't text or email him.  Changing your number is of paramount importance, so I recommend you get on that first thing Monday morning.  He's obviously capable of convincing you to stay with him (or take him back), so don't give him the chance.

Then, schedule an appointment with a therapist to explore why you believed a man with the issues this man has is someone you "love", and why you'd want to spend the rest of your life with someone as sick as he is.  I don't care what "wonderful qualities" he may possess, how much of a "connection" you two may have had, or how "sweet" he can be on occasion, this is a sick man who will never, ever change unless he engages in intense therapy.  Since he doesn't seem to believe he has problems, the chances of him signing up for therapy are pretty much nil.  Therapy for you can be of tremendous benefit, and I think until you find out why you believed this was the man for you, it might be a good idea to forgo dating.

Congratulations to you on making the decision to get out.  Now, if you focus on your health (which includes not only getting out, but STAYING out of the relationship) I think you can have a future to look forward to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 8:48am

I agree with the other posters: you are doing the right thing by moving out.  Once you are safe with your parents, start a list of all the things this man has done that make him a bad choice for a relationship.  Include everything, and as the days go by and you remember more incidents, add them to the list.  When you start to feel that things were not THAT BAD, read the list and remember.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 10:13am

I couldnt agree  more with the others.. Please go and dont look back and stay away from this guy.. Who knows what other stuff he did or will continue to do.. I was married and now divorced for years from a man who displayed many sociopathic qualities .. I am so glad I was able to get out and stay out but it did take work.. These men are not who we want them to be..

Please like the others said find out why you would put up with this for so long although I did it myself and now have learned why and it was a very hard excruciating dose of reality.. I still struggle with it but atleast I am not in the depths of this sick relationship anymore. Some other victim took my place and let me say there will always be those victims around but dont let that stop you.

Move out and like I said move on and take care and dont look back.. NO contact and nothing with this guy..

Good Luck

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 3:00pm

I'm glad to hear you are already on your way out.  GO!!!!  This man is depraved, and you are going to need support from the people who *really* love you to figure out why you've stayed in this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 4:17pm

I do remember your story being on here quite a while ago and people advising you then to get out.  I do think it's important for you to start therapy to understand how you could stay with him and so you can keep from going back.  I was in a bad 2nd marriage and I did get out after 5 yrs (should probably have gotten out way earlier) but now that I've thought about it a lot, I realize why I could succumb to that.  Of course it's never that the person is 100% bad or they couldn't lure you in in the first place.  I'm sure your guy has some good qualities somewhere but he is very strange with the picture taking, not trustworthy, etc.--so please don't get married and make it harder for you to get out of the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 6:46pm

Hi,

Thank you for your response.  I am definitely not marrying him.  Today he was supposed to start a new job and he quit before he even walked into the building.  That is the second job he has not even started in the last 4 months.  So, not only is he not trustworthy, he is also lazy.  I am planning to be out by the end of the week.  At the very latest the day after Christmas.  Its sad this is the way things work out, but I guess I should have learned my lesson a long time ago.  But now, at least, I know for sure this is no longer salvageable.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 12:02am

  Good that you recognize that it is unsalvagable.  Getting out is the best thing you can do.  He is what we would call a NEET.  He may turn it around but that is not what you are there for.  It's good that you are leaving as this is destructive to you.

NEETis a government acronym for people currently "not in education, employment, or training".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NEET

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 2:12pm

Sounds like a good thing you are packed and ready to move. 

It is sad you wasted so much time on this guy.  Hope your next relationship makes you forget completely about this bad one.

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