Here Again. What should I do? UPDATE

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Here Again. What should I do? UPDATE
11
Thu, 01-24-2013 - 5:18pm

Hi everyone,

Well, the relationship is now officially over.  Our wedding date was set for February 17th and it has been getting closer.  Because I didn't and still do not want to marry him, I was not talking about it or anything.  His family kept asking him questions that he didn't have the answers for.  This past Saturday I was very emotional and told him that given our financial situation and his 14 month unemployment and the fact that our townhome is for sale and not selling, we need to postpone again.  (This would be my third postponement by the way).  He said that getting married is not about money but about each other.  That we are the most important reason to get married.  I agreed, but also added that without a job and a mortgage to pay, and if I lose my job, we will be in trouble.  He accused me of caring about nothing but money.  I said that is not fair, since I agreed to marry him one month after he lost his job.  For this entire year I have been handing him half my paycheck to pay the bills. By the way, he got two jobs since then and walked out of both. 
He said that if we don't get married on the 17th we shouldn't get married at all.  He told me to think about it.  I told him I would have an answer for him in one week.  Well, he couldn't hold out.  This past Tuesday he asked me again, and I told him the same thing.  He was more agreeable this time and said "fine, but we will not set a date this time.  We will wait until this place sells and I get a job."  I thought this topic was over with.  I was relieved that I would not be legally bound to him and agreed with the plan.

Yesterday, we were sitting on the couch eating and all of a sudden he jumps up out of nowhere and says "I need to check my email".  When he went upstairs I noticed my cell phone was gone.  I walked up and he was on it, calling one of my friends pretending to be playing a joke.  She hung up on him.  He handed me the phone and said "your best friend just hung up on me."  I said "what in the world are you doing?"  Then he accussed me of spying on him and how could I know that was my phone he was on.  I told him that his phone was downstairs so whose other phone would it be?  He said "Oh so now you see where my phone is?  All you do is spy on me."  I didn't know what to say.  All of this sounded so crazy to me.  So out of left field.  I got angry and started packing an overnight bag to go stay with my parents.  I went downstairs and asked him angrily what his problem was.  He calmly told me that maybe he is better off alone, to watch the shows he wants to watch, eat when he wants to and listen to his music.  He said that sad as it is maybe he is not meant to be with anyone.  That our relationship is a daily grind on him and that he is not happy.  So then I asked him "why then, if you are so miserable, did you insist on getting married?"  He told me he believed it would help jumpstart things again.  I told him I completely agree with him that we should not get married.  He kept telling me that all I care about is money and that he feels I am his enemy.  He cannot be with someone like me and then he made it sound as though it was my idea to never get married.  I was so exhausted and confused I told him I was going to my parents house and that tomorrow I would pack up my things.  I asked him if he would agree to spend some days apart and that we can reevaluate the situation.  (Don't ask me why I said that).  He said, fine whatever you want to do but it won't change anything.  You still don't want to get married."  I left quietly saying "I will see you in a few days."

I packed up my things and now I am back with my parents until I find a place of my own.  My heart is in pieces.  My mind knows this man is not right for me or right at all.  But my heart doesn't understand.  I am so hurt by this and by the nearly 7 years I spent with him.  The familiarity of him.  When I went over there this morning he was gone to give me space to pack.  The bathroom still smelled like his cologne after his shower.  I broke down.  I know there is no going back.  Please wish me some strength to get over this.  I know it has been brewing for some time, but it still feels sudden to me.  One day I am there, one day I'm gone.  Please give me some words of advice.

 

 

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2014
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 4:56pm
These videos records near death experience of people that have visited Heaven and Hell and came back and tell the story. The important thing to note is they all had very same description about Heaven and / or Hell. Please see them all.
 Another interesting website that has lot of videos about Heaven and Hell.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 01-27-2013 - 5:30pm

skyy75 wrote:
<p>Do you believe that he was using me just for the money?  He asked me to marry him about a month after he lost his job.  By the way, here is the reason why he lost it.  About two years ago he exposed himself to this 18 year old girl who was walking passed the townhouse.  Her mother took her to the police and a report was filed.  He received a ticket for ordinance violation only due to the fact that he got a lawyer.  He then got his teaching job (8th grade).  An anonymous letter was sent to the school indicating what he had done (my guess is the girl's mother wrote it) and he instantly lost his job.  Perhaps this will provide you with further insight as to what I have chosen to deal with in the past.  I forgave him.  Two months later, 2 months after he got fired, he asked me to marry him.  Oh, and also while he still had the job, so about 2 months before he asked me, he had dating profiles on match.com.  Then suddenly, after he becomes unemployed, forget the profile, marry me.  And stupid me, I accepted.  So, now I thought that maybe with the postponment I suggested, he figured he will not have a legal right to any of my money.  And his financial burdens would also be mine.  How else do you explain the sudden change?  If he truly loved me, wouldn't he tell me that its OK and that what I am asking is normal?  Having a job and some stability?  Would he ask me to stay and not move out?  You just don't treat people you love this way.  Please advise.</p>

I can't say exactly what he was doing, as I dont' know him, but it would seem that something other than love for you was motivating him. Maybe he was shoring up the veneer of respectability being married to you would have provided, but that still doesn't address love for you, you know what I mean? It's like he had a lot of reasons for banking on marriage to you other than love.

It doesn't look like he was down for marriage when he had dating profiles on match. I agree with you--it looks like once he was unemployed, marriage to you was his lifeline.

However, he's got a whole boat load of dysfunction that he needs to go sort through on his own, starting with his inability to get employment because of his exposure charge.  Did he get off with a misdemeanor for that?  There is no way a school was going to hire someone who exposed themselves to a minor. What in the world led him to think that that was ok to do? Talk about a severe lack of good judgment and good sense!

You are doing the right thing, even though it hurts like all hell right now. He needs to resolve his issues without dragging you down with him.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 01-26-2013 - 5:19pm

Hi,

You're involved with a boy, and possibly a pedophile. WHY, don't you believe you deserve better?

Your boyfriend is immature and has shown himself to have very poor judgement, little self-control, and apparently is not really interested in getting a job. How nice for him that you've supported him financially all this time. Marrying you would have just made things that much nicer for him. He still wouldn't have a job!

Sell your place as soon as possible. And then NEVER AGAIN buy a house with someone you are not married to! It's bad enough this guy can't keep his pants zipped up around children, don't ever put yourself in the position you're in now by legally linking yourself to him!

P.S. He was darn lucky he wasn't charged as a sex offender. Sex offenders NEVER work in a legitmate job again as long as they live! Get away from him and stay away from weak men like him. You want a "man with a plan (and a job, and goals, and a value system) and a place of his own!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 01-25-2013 - 5:20pm

I'm not even going to bother reading any other responses, because right from the start you came right out and said you do NOT want to marry him.  So you need to call this off.   You already sound miserable together. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Thu, 01-24-2013 - 11:29pm

The misery you're feeling now is temporary.  If you married him, you'd have to endure years and years of misery.  You may have even had children with him, children who would eventually realize he's a criminally sexual deviant.  How could you ever explain to your children, your family and your friends that you married him knowing how sick and perverted he is?

Trust me that the way you're feeling now is only temporary.  If you stay away and tough it out for a short while, you will start to feel better and see more clearly.  Please don't give in to your present feelings of regret, because you'd regret it much more if you went back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 01-24-2013 - 10:24pm

Thank you so much for your response.  I know he has issues and this is why I left.  I only wish now I could be  vindicated and I hope he realizes the mistake he has made.  Not because I want him to crawl back to me and try to get me gto go back.  That I will not do.  It tool a lot out of me to actually empty out my things today.   I never thought I would be doing it.  But I had no choice.  I feel as though a life with him would be miserable.  But I 'm miserable now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Thu, 01-24-2013 - 8:58pm

My question to you is, why do you want to marry a weirdo who exposes himself to teenage girls?

I think I remember your previous post.  Didnt' he have other legal issues as well?  Or other worrisome activities?

He may have wanted to marry you so he'd have a "beard", that is, he would look like a respectable married man so people would be less likely to believe he's a pervert.  But he is.  I'm sorry, but what he did is NOT normal and many times exposers go on to commit even worse crimes (i.e., window peeping, driving around photographing and filming young girls and women without their knowledge or consent, some of them even escalate to sexual assault).

I know your heart doesn't listen to logic, but I can guess you'd have had a pretty horrible married life with him.  When you're ready, dust yourself off and realize you can do so, so much better than this man.

ETA:  Ok, I went back and read your previous post.  You had said you were moving out no later than the day after Christmas, and here it is, a month later.  I'm guessing either he managed to convince you to stay, or you didn't really want to leave.  And he HAS done more than just expose himself one time...MUCH more.

This man is a potentially a dangerous sexual psychopath.  He will most likely escalate to more and more deviant behaviors.  It's in your best interest to get out and stay out, and to remove any form of contact he may have with you, because he WILL try to convince you to come back (his talk about wanting to be alone is reverse psychology and it looks like it may be working).  Please don't marry him and don't go back to him.  You don't want to be the wife being interviewed on the evening news after he gets arrested for something really, really bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 01-24-2013 - 8:34pm

I don't know if he only wanted to marry you cause you have a job.  But I think this guy needs to learn to stand on his own 2 feet.  How would a responsible person quit 2 jobs when he doesn't have another one?  I have this single friend who I have known for a long time.  When I first met her she would have a different job every time I saw her--in all different industries.  (Later on, I figured out that she has psych problems, so I'm sure that has something to do with it.)  She'd say to me that I should quit my job & get something better, but as I pointed out to her, I had 2 kids to support and a mortgage, so it's not like I could quit my job w/o something else.  So no, a marriage isn't all about money, but he's not being realistic--he's being childish, thinking that you are going to support him and he doesn't have to make any effort to work.  Even in the old days when most women stayed home, they contributed by taking care of the house & the children.  So now he can watch his TV & listen to his music and eat his food--except how is he even going to buy food if he doesn't have a job?  Is he going to go back & live w/ his parents?  Does he think they will continue to support him?  And his behavior by calling your friend is just odd.  You don't get married in the hopes that things will improve--you should only get married when things are great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 01-24-2013 - 6:45pm

Do you believe that he was using me just for the money?  He asked me to marry him about a month after he lost his job.  By the way, here is the reason why he lost it.  About two years ago he exposed himself to this 18 year old girl who was walking passed the townhouse.  Her mother took her to the police and a report was filed.  He received a ticket for ordinance violation only due to the fact that he got a lawyer.  He then got his teaching job (8th grade).  An anonymous letter was sent to the school indicating what he had done (my guess is the girl's mother wrote it) and he instantly lost his job.  Perhaps this will provide you with further insight as to what I have chosen to deal with in the past.  I forgave him.  Two months later, 2 months after he got fired, he asked me to marry him.  Oh, and also while he still had the job, so about 2 months before he asked me, he had dating profiles on match.com.  Then suddenly, after he becomes unemployed, forget the profile, marry me.  And stupid me, I accepted.  So, now I thought that maybe with the postponment I suggested, he figured he will not have a legal right to any of my money.  And his financial burdens would also be mine.  How else do you explain the sudden change?  If he truly loved me, wouldn't he tell me that its OK and that what I am asking is normal?  Having a job and some stability?  Would he ask me to stay and not move out?  You just don't treat people you love this way.  Please advise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 01-24-2013 - 6:45pm

Do you believe that he was using me just for the money?  He asked me to marry him about a month after he lost his job.  By the way, here is the reason why he lost it.  About two years ago he exposed himself to this 18 year old girl who was walking passed the townhouse.  Her mother took her to the police and a report was filed.  He received a ticket for ordinance violation only due to the fact that he got a lawyer.  He then got his teaching job (8th grade).  An anonymous letter was sent to the school indicating what he had done (my guess is the girl's mother wrote it) and he instantly lost his job.  Perhaps this will provide you with further insight as to what I have chosen to deal with in the past.  I forgave him.  Two months later, 2 months after he got fired, he asked me to marry him.  Oh, and also while he still had the job, so about 2 months before he asked me, he had dating profiles on match.com.  Then suddenly, after he becomes unemployed, forget the profile, marry me.  And stupid me, I accepted.  So, now I thought that maybe with the postponment I suggested, he figured he will not have a legal right to any of my money.  And his financial burdens would also be mine.  How else do you explain the sudden change?  If he truly loved me, wouldn't he tell me that its OK and that what I am asking is normal?  Having a job and some stability?  Would he ask me to stay and not move out?  You just don't treat people you love this way.  Please advise.

Pages