Here again. What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Here again. What should I do?
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 4:28pm


Its been awhile since I have been here.  Forgive me if this is a long post and I will give you a very brief version of what has gone on. I have been in a relationship for about 6.5 years.  My now fiancee (since last January) has broken up with me multiple times. He asked me to marry him about a year ago and I have been living with him in his townhome since then. He has had profiles on sex sites, dating sites, and takes pictures of women when we are on vacation.  Two years ago he was seen exposing himself to passers by on the street and got a citation from the police.  As a result, he lost his job last December 2011 and has been unemployed since.  This is also the time he asked me move in with him and marry him.  I should mention that in October of 2011 he had broken up with me.  A few weeks later I saw his dating profile on a dating site and he had included pictures of him I had taken on one of our vacations.  Despite all that, I accepted the ring a couple months later. This was last December.

Our history is shaky.  He has dabled with other women and I have always had suspicions.  As I said, I have seen his profile on sex sites in the past and he admitted to me that a few years back, met a woman at a parking lot and had sex with her in her car.

There were a couple women he liked at one of his jobs here in town from about 5 years ago.  Recently, on our computer I saw pictures of them he has taken recently.  They are pictures he takes while they walk around town.  One woman I guess takes regular walks with her infant and friend every morning, because I see the times the pictures are taken and they are always the same time.  And same background.  So, he found this woman and follows her around, takes pictures, and puts them on our computer.  There is a salon across the street and one of the stylists is a smoker.  He has an entire folder of her pictures.  All of these pictures are taken without the woman knowing.  But why does he do it? 

Well, today I was home alone and I looked at his credit card statement.  There is a charge posted this October for a sex site.  I was floored!  I asked him about it and he said he doesn't have a profile and that he is disturbed why I am asking him.  He told me that I don't trust him and that he doesn't feel right in this relationship.  By the way, we are supposed to get married in 2 months.  I am the one who postponed it twice.

Aside from all this, I am not happy.  I feel like he is not attracted to me at all.  Our life goals are totally different.  I don't know why I stay.  I am an attractive, educated and hard working woman.  I have the respect of everyone who knows me and no one would ever believe I have been this stupid.  And on top of it, he acts as though all of this is my fault.  That I should not question him.  And he lies to me. 

Please give me some advice.  There is so much to share, but this post would be a novel.  Please help me.


Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Wed, 12-26-2012 - 7:42pm

I just read all the posts and what you wrote.  Today is the day after Christmas, just wondering if you have left and if you are okay?  I am hoping you are safe.  Please let us know how you are doing (hug).


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 8:49pm

Why wait until after Christmas?  Are you hoping to somehow work things out?

I'm not trying to be overly dramatic or an alarmist, but the Canadian multiple murderer Paul Bernardo started out by photographing and videotaping women and young girls he saw walking down the street or in stores or restaurants.  He also was a peeping Tom.  He escalated eventually to rape and then murder.  Without psychological help, these men often become increasingly violent as they need more and more new ways to stimulate their sick imaginations. 

Please get out asap, and don't think of any excuses to stay.  Like I said before, your emotional and psychological health are of utmost importance.  With your family nearby, it should be easy to leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 4:03pm

What is it you are getting out of this whatever-it-is?  You are open saying you are not happy with him, he continues to keep company with other women and takes photos and uses sex sites and who knows what else?  There always seems to be more we don't know about, and you flat out said he lies to you.  His timing of proposing and getting himself into trouble is of course suspicious, you know that already.  I see a complete lack of trust here and what else could there BE?  Many of us stay in bad relationships for a variety of reasons, truth is there is no good reason.  Don't do that, life's too short.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 2:12pm

Sounds like a good thing you are packed and ready to move. 

It is sad you wasted so much time on this guy.  Hope your next relationship makes you forget completely about this bad one.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 12:02am

  Good that you recognize that it is unsalvagable.  Getting out is the best thing you can do.  He is what we would call a NEET.  He may turn it around but that is not what you are there for.  It's good that you are leaving as this is destructive to you.

NEETis a government acronym for people currently "not in education, employment, or training".


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 6:46pm


Thank you for your response.  I am definitely not marrying him.  Today he was supposed to start a new job and he quit before he even walked into the building.  That is the second job he has not even started in the last 4 months.  So, not only is he not trustworthy, he is also lazy.  I am planning to be out by the end of the week.  At the very latest the day after Christmas.  Its sad this is the way things work out, but I guess I should have learned my lesson a long time ago.  But now, at least, I know for sure this is no longer salvageable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 4:17pm

I do remember your story being on here quite a while ago and people advising you then to get out.  I do think it's important for you to start therapy to understand how you could stay with him and so you can keep from going back.  I was in a bad 2nd marriage and I did get out after 5 yrs (should probably have gotten out way earlier) but now that I've thought about it a lot, I realize why I could succumb to that.  Of course it's never that the person is 100% bad or they couldn't lure you in in the first place.  I'm sure your guy has some good qualities somewhere but he is very strange with the picture taking, not trustworthy, etc.--so please don't get married and make it harder for you to get out of the relationship.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 3:00pm

I'm glad to hear you are already on your way out.  GO!!!!  This man is depraved, and you are going to need support from the people who *really* love you to figure out why you've stayed in this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 10:13am

I couldnt agree  more with the others.. Please go and dont look back and stay away from this guy.. Who knows what other stuff he did or will continue to do.. I was married and now divorced for years from a man who displayed many sociopathic qualities .. I am so glad I was able to get out and stay out but it did take work.. These men are not who we want them to be..

Please like the others said find out why you would put up with this for so long although I did it myself and now have learned why and it was a very hard excruciating dose of reality.. I still struggle with it but atleast I am not in the depths of this sick relationship anymore. Some other victim took my place and let me say there will always be those victims around but dont let that stop you.

Move out and like I said move on and take care and dont look back.. NO contact and nothing with this guy..

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 8:48am

I agree with the other posters: you are doing the right thing by moving out.  Once you are safe with your parents, start a list of all the things this man has done that make him a bad choice for a relationship.  Include everything, and as the days go by and you remember more incidents, add them to the list.  When you start to feel that things were not THAT BAD, read the list and remember.