He's about to propose - I can't decide!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
He's about to propose - I can't decide!
2
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 1:46pm
My boyfriend of 1.5 years said yesterday that in about a year or so he will pop the question, so he wants me to be ready, and not to be completely surprised by this. While I appreciate his honesty, the coming year will be pure torture for me. I really love him, but I don't know if he's The One. In fact, I don't believe in The One. I don't even think that love is a prerequisite for a happy marriage - the two people should respect each other, care about each other's goals in life, and be considerate of each other's habits, as they are going to live together. However, my boyfriend and I are in love, and are very comfortable around each other.

I am 21 and he is 23. He graduated a year ago from the same college I am attending now , I am graduating next May. Supposedly, he wants to propose after I get out of college and find a job. He thinks it is the next logical step in our relationship. I agree, but what about my "roaring 20's" - going out with girlfriends until the break of dawn, living on my own, going to grad school... or am I just watching too much Sex and the City? Am I wrong to think that once we get engaged, my fun life will be over? I should probably add that I am a very urban person, and want to live in a big city, whereas he hates city life. I am very social and flirty, he is somewhat antisocial and very picky in his friendships.

We may not get married soon after engagement, in fact, we will probably wait a couple of years, but I still can't get rid of these doubts. I know that I need to grow up - I never had a real job, or a driving license, my parents pretty much pay for tuition, room and board, and all my expenses. Can we grow together, or should I say "no" to his proposal, risking losing him, and learn from my own mistakes?
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I think what you are going through right now is totally normal. I don't believe in The One either - I believe in Mr. Pretty Darn Good. I think that there are many people in this world that we are each compatable with - physical attraction, values, goals, etc - that we could make a good life with. I think that love is important, but it isn't the only important thing. Relationships have to have a solid foundation too.

I also think that life is what you make of it and you should make your decisions according to what you want your life to be like. If you want to go out with your girlfriends and party until dawn, then by all means - do it!! If you want to go to grad school - do it!! This is your life. As far as living on your own - I think this is very important for everyone. It's an integral part of becoming an adult in your own rite. I know you are already an adult, but I think that when you live on your own, you give yourself the opportunity to live life for yourself and be responsible for yourself. You have the opportunity to get some clarity about what you want in your life.

Can you do all this while dating someone seriously? Of course - as long as your BF can be patient and wait to get engaged or whatever until you are ready and doesn't give you grief when you go out with your friends.

As for whether your fun life will be over when you get engaged depends on what you do for fun and who you get engaged to - and whether or not you are ready to make a commitment. Life will change just by the fact that you've made a commitment to another person - or at least promised to make that commitment. You will have to start taking his needs and wants into consideration when you make your decisions about school, jobs, living arangments, and even social things.

Your comments about your differences is a cause for concern. I think that before you guys go any further, you should talk about some fundamental things.

You thrive on city life. He hates the city. So where would you live? Is there a compromise you will both be happy with or will one of you have to be miserable?

You are very social, he isn't - how will you deal with this difference? Is he ok with you going out while he stays at home or will he resent that? Will you resent that he never takes you out anywhere and you have to drag him kicking and screaming to the simplest stuff like your company's Christmas party?

What about other things? Kids - yes, no, how many, when? Careers - who will have a career, whose career will take priority if there is a conflict, will one of you stay home with kids if you have them? School - anybody interested in grad school? How will you work that out? Families - holidays, conflicts, expectations - have you talked about these things?

I don't know what you should ultimately do, but I think that you need to talk to him and be open and honest about your feelings, your wants, your needs, your goals, and so on so he knows where you are coming from. If this man is a good match for a life partner, he will understand - or even if he doesn't, he will give you the space and the time that you need. Whatever you do though, don't agree to marry a man you have doubts about or when you aren't ready to make that type of commitment. You'll only doom the relationship to failure. If you lose him because you aren't ready to get married and he is, then that would be sad, but it's better than getting married before you are ready.

I wouldn't wait until he proposes to talk to him about this. Do it as soon as possible. I can't imagine what it would be like to think your BF or GF is on the same page, get up the courage to propose, and be told "no". That would be very hard to take. But if you talk now, before he proposes, then you have a good chance or coming to a good understanding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Hon...I doubt seriously you need to get ocncerned about this right now. But if you are concerned as far as "waht am I going to say"...here's what you should do.

go out and learn to drive and get a driver's license. Get a job while going to school and save up to get a car adn get one. Make it a point once a week to go out with your girlfriends....and you'll stop thinking of a relationship as a means to an end while hating the "restrictions of it.

If you do all that...it is quite likely that your boyfriend will see the disparities in values and priorities that you two have. At the moment...youre wnating ot be free, independent, flirtatious, fun, amusing,delightful, charming, successful, secure, and mature...but that is all 'waiting to emerge" - and it can't until you become those things by taking charge of your life and your destiny in a responsible and intelligent manner.

When he sees that you really are not living vicairously thorugh him, that you're not wanting the lifestyle that he wants...he's going to fall out of love with you and the idea of marrying you.

Becuase right now...on the inside you're nothing like him...but on the outside you're conforming to everything he stands for and values because you want salvation, security, and identity -and he's one of your primary sources of that.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com