He's depressed but I can't give up

Avatar for atlantagirl74
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Registered: 01-07-2004
He's depressed but I can't give up
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Thu, 06-10-2004 - 1:14pm
I'll start with my history, then my bf's, then our history together. This may get long so please bear with me.

My childhood was very normal and happy. My family is loving, nurturing, and supportive. We don't say "I love you" a lot, but we all know that it's there. My parents are still happily together. The only divorce among any of my friends and relatives was between my grandparents. And even they still lived next door to each other and spent time together after the divorce. I did well in school, had lots of friends, and was involved in many activities. I have had great role models in happiness and relationships throughout my life.

My bf's parents divorced when he was around eleven years old. It was a horrible separation, divorce, and custody battle. Eighteen years later there is still palpable resentment among all of the family members, especially from his mother toward his dad. The subject of their divorce comes up on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis. Nobody is in counseling. They all tried it long ago, but dropped out for some reason or another. My bf has seen several of his friends get married and divorced over the last few years. His sister is currently in the midst of a separation. He has not seen very many good examples of healthy relationships. Also, he doesn't work - he doesn't have to. His father is somewhat wealthy and has spoiled all of his children. Perhaps to win their affection? His not working leaves him with lots of free time to think about things that upset him and also leaves him feeling like he is a failure. All of these things add up to a bitter, depressed person. He had a problem with alcohol up until about a year ago, but I'll get to that later.

We met several years ago through a mutual hang-out spot. We became friends over the years and started dating three years ago. It was rocky at first, but having been friends first, I knew that he was worth hanging on to. He broke up with me a couple of times during that first year, but he always came right back. And I took him back.

About 15 months into the relationship, he broke up with me again and stayed gone for three months. This threw me into a bad depression for a while. I finally pulled myself back together - visited some message boards, read some books, hung out with friends, and found some peace in my life. Then he came back. I told him that I couldn't go through another break-up and that if he really wanted to get back together that he would have to make certain that's what he wanted. I made him wait a couple of weeks, then ask me out on a date if he was serious about starting over.

Some time passed, we talked, he asked me to go on a date, and we got back together. Everything was great. He really seemed to want to make some changes in his life and was excited about our relationship. The only real problem for a while was his drinking. He would drink a lot (insane amounts of alcohol) at least 4 nights a week. But he was very loving to me, sober or not.

Well, his drinking sprialed out of control, ending very badly with a trip to the hospital for stitches. His blood alcohol level was over .40! The doctors couldn't understand how he was still awake and somewhat functional. We all (me, his family, and some friends) finally decided it was time to put a stop to this madness and sent him to rehab. He was gone for six weeks and it was hard but I knew that he would be better when he got home. We wrote letters, I visited when I could, and things seemed to be going fine. Rehab worked. He hasn't had a drink in almost a year now and he is much healthier now - physically anyway. Emotionally, not so much.

When he got home from rehab, he threw himself into a home remodeling project he had unsuccessfully taken stabs at over the previous months. He was in good spirits, a little distant, but I attributed that to has involuntary stint at rehab and his adjustment to sober life at home. Things went pretty well until the job was completed.

We moved into the remodeled house in March and things have been going downhill ever since. He has had pretty much nothing to do during the day while I'm at work so he's been thinking about his parents' divorce a lot. And his mother brings up the subject every time she sees him. It's not fair that she puts this burden on her children, but she does it anyway and it just upsets everybody. Just digging and digging at an old wound.

So my bf has been getting more and more depressed and is taking it out on me by ignoring me, snapping at me, and just being generally unapproachable and sometimes mean. No physical abuse and no name-calling, just distance and irritability. So I try to leave him alone. I let him know that I am here if he wants to talk and I try hard to be cheerful and hospitable. I also encourage him to get involved in activities during the week - golfing with his friends, having lunch with his family (minus mom), finishing up little jobs around the house. But it gets hard sometimes and I end up saying things I immediately regret. This starts the inevitable argument, but we've been able to pick up the pieces and move forward. Until now.

A couple of weeks ago, he started getting back into his old routine of staying up late at night and sleeping the days away. He knows that this behavior is self-destructive, but he does it anyway. I ask him to come to bed with me and he refuses - says he is too busy and he has things to do. This translates into late nights burning CD's and DVD's on his computer. He has become increasingly distant over the last couple of weeks and it culminated in the dreaded discussion last night. He says he is not happy in our relationship and (not in so many words) wants to break up. He says that I am boring and that he should look forward to spending time with me, but he doesn't.

I have tried and tried to get him to do "fun" things in the evenings and on the weekends, but he hasn't been interested in doing anything I suggest. And he doesn't make any suggestions about what he wants to do. So we end up doing the same old things - staying at home or going to the same place we met so many years ago. Of course it's boring, but he hasn't seemed willing to change that and now he's blaming me for it.

I love him so much. I wouldn't have taken him back after the last break-up if I didn't think we could work it out. I want to be able to talk to him about things and for him to be able to come to me. I don't want to give up on this. I have invested too much love, time, and energy to just stand by and let him walk away again. He really is a great person when he's not bogged down by depression.

So I guess what I'm looking for here is a sympathetic ear and perhaps some advice from someone who has dealt with a depressed significant other.

TIA, AtlantaGirl

 

AtlantaGirl74

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 1:53pm
Reading material to consider:

The Pain Behind the Mask: Overcoming Masculine Depression, John Lynch

What to Do When Someone You Love Is Depressed, Mitch Golant, Susan K. Golant

However, I think you should be looking at codependency issues. Personally, I think it sounds like your bf doesn't have 'purpose in life', a goal, something to fill his time that is personally fulfilling. Part of that is the lifestyle he leads, the fact that he listens to his mother whine about the divorce (which was ages ago and she needs to get over it on her own) meaning for himself, he needs to set a boundary with her, 'mom, that topic is off limits, let's talk about something else.' OR 'mom, you need help resolving your feelings about the divorce, have you considered counseling.' But that's HIS problem. He has to want to make a change, to feel better for HIMself.

You can't make him feel better. You can't motivate him. Happiness comes from within you, not from another person, place or thing.

Because you love him and you are in a relationship with him, it does effect you and I can understand that you want to help and make him feel better. I hope those two book ideas have some great ways to reach out to a person going through depression. My best to you.


Carrie

Avatar for atlantagirl74
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 2:16pm
Thank you for reading and responding. I wrote down the titles of the books you suggested and I'll stop at a book store on my way home today to look at them.

We have had the discussion about how it's not fair for his mother to unload on him and his sisters. I've suggested that he tell her that he doesn't want to have the same discussion over and over. It never goes anywhere except to leave everybody feeling hurt and sad.

I also know that he is the only one who can get himself out of this depression. He needs to decide that he wants to get better and then do something about it. I just don't know how to handle him in the meantime. Maybe these books you suggested will give me some helpful insight into things I haven't already considered. Thanks again.

 

AtlantaGirl74

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 6:22pm
You are quite a woman to stay by this man's side. It can be hard when you know someone so well and want to help them. It sounds as if he may have commitment issues, which is perfectly understandable considering his background. "Commitment phobes" want nothing more than to be in a loving relationship, but can't seem to get there. He seems to have some of the signs. If he's serious about working through it, though, he can, especially with someone who appears to be as dedicated to the relationship as you are. All of the family involvement sounds overwhelming and I don't think anyone would hold it against him, or you, if you stepped away from it (except the complaining family members, of course). Talk to him. Ask tough questions, questions you may not want the answers too, it's the first step in working things out, or deciding if you don't want to. Be strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 8:25pm
Another good book you might want to check out is "I don't want to talk about it"-Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real. My boyfriend ocassionally goes through mild depression episodes for various other reasons. This was something entirely new to me. I talked to people on the depression support board here. They were helpful and told me about this book. I've been picking it up and reading it off and on for a few weeks. I think it's great....I realized that even though I felt like I was being supportive to him during these episodes my actions were more or less pushing him away. The book not only helps you understand depression but I feel it has been very insightful about men and women and how we interact, react and act. I agree that one of the best things for your b/f would be for him to have something meaningful in his life to fulfill him. Does he have any hobbies or skills that he could really dive into and help other people with like building web pages..landscaping etc.? Is there anyone in his family that he is close to that you could talk to?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 8:52pm
He has broken up with you several times and now is promising to do it again. He has no goals, purpose or motivation which is why he is in a relationship when it suits him and not in one when he doesn't want the responsibility. You are perfect for him because you love him through his mean times, dependency problems, depression etc. You leave when he wants you to and gladly take him back when his mood is elevated. When you start to try to change him he gets irritated and leaves you until he misses you.

How long do you want to continue to do this?

He has some serious issues. I think you need to be the strong one and walk away once and for all. Then explore why you are attracted to this co-dependent situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 12:47am
You have invested a lot of love, time and energy into your relationship. Something you might want to think about is, the bf who had the alcoholic problem is now a different person. Alcohol has a way of changing personalities literally. He may be seeing you in a different way and coupled with all his other issues, things just aren't the same for him. You are his girlfriend not his counsellor. It's great that you care for him so much, but if you take a closer look - it's you doing it for him, not him doing for himself.

Now - when we love someone, the good we do for them is unconditional - meaning, that if they choose to walk away, they are free to do so. He is a person with a free choice, not a project who needs to pay back. That sounds hard but it's true. You have probably done more for him than anyone else has or maybe ever will. Don't you think it's time for him to start thinking for himself? Sometimes people need to be apart so they can see what they had. Even so, no one can make him decide to do better. You could spend the rest of your life holding his head above water and he might never learn to swim. Is this what you want to be doing 10 - 20 years from now?

My ex-husband (47) was given everything, had everything done for him, and doesn't know how to fend for himself. His famous saying - never look a gift horse in the mouth. His parents taught him that. His aging parents still make his "meal on wheels" for him, mow his lawn, pay his bills. His mother (65) still "has to" work so she can support him and her husband (74) when she should be enjoying retirement.

One other thing, relationships of the romantic type should be equal - friends, romantic, responsible, healthy, etc. As soon as one person begins to fix, counsel, etc. on a long term basis, the relationship becomes unequal. Why? Because the fixer becomes the counsellor on a permanent basis, the person in distress the patient on a permanent basis. As a gf you have gone over and beyond what a gf would normally do - it is time to distance that part of your relationship and let him decide how he wants his life to be, successful or otherwise. He can choose to stay the way he is. He can choose to get help. He can choose to change. He can choose to initiate self help. That's not your job.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 4:41am
"I love him so much. I wouldn't have taken him back after the last break-up if I didn't think we could work it out. I want to be able to talk to him about things and for him to be able to come to me. I don't want to give up on this. I have invested too much love, time, and energy to just stand by and let him walk away again. He really is a great person when he's not bogged down by depression. "

hon, he's not a pet project. he's messed up. he is how he is and it's not going to change because YOU love him. he doesn't care, period.

since he doesn't care, why do you? you don't get brownie points by staying with a guy who's like this... no one's going to show up at your door one day and give you a blue ribbon for being a long-suffering martyr with this guy.

stay with him and you'll be here year after year dealing with this same crap from him.

since you refer to him as an "investment", let me put it to you this way: if you bought a stock you continually, daily, monthly lost money on, would you sell it or keep "hoping" it would maybe one day be profitable?

people are just going to feel sorry for you because you've stayed with such a dud.

what a bore he sounds like.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 8:24am
My fiance and I have just gone through the same thing. I started noticing the minor deterioration over the past couple months but knew nothing helpful about depression until a few weeks ago. It's a very long story but I'll just say that you can't save him. You have to save yourself. I'm not telling you to leave him. I didn't leave and we have a happy ending in the making which doesn't always happen in these situations. I am suggesting that you read "Depression Fallout". It's by Anne Sheffield and deals with what family members of depressives are going through, how to keep you sane, and strategies to deal with your depressed partner. You can find it on amazon for about $12. There is also a message board for depression fallout as well. I found some help on ivillage by visiting the depression support board also. The real key to recovery is for him to be able to identify that he has a problem, then seek help. We have two more books on the way. "Undoing Depression" and "Self Coaching: A Guide to Recovering from Depression and Anxiety". I know this is hard but I'm glad you sound so committed. He'll appreciate it in the end and you will both come out of this stronger people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 8:24am

well - i have lived with a depressed person for seven years, and i am in the process of divorcing him. so - i am sympathetic to YOUR pain, but the bottom line is this: if you are not happy with the way things are RIGHT NOW - then you owe it to yourself to get out of this "relationship".


your BF has many many many many issues. and as cheerful and loving as you can be ---- YOU cannot even BEGIN to solve them for him. I am telling you this from my own, painful, experience. your bf is extremely immature, selfish, addictive, mean. and you don't mention this - but i bet your sex life isn't great either. and you don't mention this either - but i bet that you do all the housework/chores/'dealing with real life' as well.


but the biggest issue that you have is NOT your BF - its YOU. you are the one who is attracted to him, you are the one who is putting up with his CR*P. and no - its NOT love. love has to do with mutual respect - and i see none of that here.


i am really sorry for this ---- but i have been thru this myself, and i can tell you - you can do it the hard way (stay with him, marry him, have kids, suffer, live your entire life around HIM and HIS issues, etc). or you can do it the smart way - get yourself into therapy TODAY. learn about YOU, learn why you are putting up with this, why you think its YOUR mission in life to help him. self-help books are fine - but up to a point.


hugs to you. i hope i did not insult you - i feel for you - i know how hard it is - but i am proof that you can move on and learn to be a healthy adult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 8:43am
Atlantagirl,

I really think you are making a huge mistake with this guy. You are painting an illusion and story in your head of how you want it to be.

But he will never change nor will he meet your needs.

I suggest you educate yourself about alcoholism and codependency. Then you need to dig deep and see past the short term into the long term for yourself. These problems will not be sweet in another 5 or 10 years, especially with children.

To me, this paragraph says it all: "My bf's parents divorced when he was around eleven years old. It was a horrible separation, divorce, and custody battle. Eighteen years later there is still palpable resentment among all of the family members, especially from his mother toward his dad. The subject of their divorce comes up on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis. Nobody is in counseling. They all tried it long ago, but dropped out for some reason or another. My bf has seen several of his friends get married and divorced over the last few years. His sister is currently in the midst of a separation. He has not seen very many good examples of healthy relationships. Also, he doesn't work - he doesn't have to. His father is somewhat wealthy and has spoiled all of his children. Perhaps to win their affection? His not working leaves him with lots of free time to think about things that upset him and also leaves him feeling like he is a failure. All of these things add up to a bitter, depressed person. He had a problem with alcohol up until about a year ago, but I'll get to that later."

His bedfellow is his drink. And his past is too much baggage for him to be able to really love and give. He doesn't have self esteem because he doesn't work. He needs to turn his life around before he is worthy of taking part in a relationship.

But the key is that he needs to see this himself then want to work on it himself. You cannot do that for him.

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