He's depressed but I can't give up
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| Thu, 06-10-2004 - 1:14pm |
My childhood was very normal and happy. My family is loving, nurturing, and supportive. We don't say "I love you" a lot, but we all know that it's there. My parents are still happily together. The only divorce among any of my friends and relatives was between my grandparents. And even they still lived next door to each other and spent time together after the divorce. I did well in school, had lots of friends, and was involved in many activities. I have had great role models in happiness and relationships throughout my life.
My bf's parents divorced when he was around eleven years old. It was a horrible separation, divorce, and custody battle. Eighteen years later there is still palpable resentment among all of the family members, especially from his mother toward his dad. The subject of their divorce comes up on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis. Nobody is in counseling. They all tried it long ago, but dropped out for some reason or another. My bf has seen several of his friends get married and divorced over the last few years. His sister is currently in the midst of a separation. He has not seen very many good examples of healthy relationships. Also, he doesn't work - he doesn't have to. His father is somewhat wealthy and has spoiled all of his children. Perhaps to win their affection? His not working leaves him with lots of free time to think about things that upset him and also leaves him feeling like he is a failure. All of these things add up to a bitter, depressed person. He had a problem with alcohol up until about a year ago, but I'll get to that later.
We met several years ago through a mutual hang-out spot. We became friends over the years and started dating three years ago. It was rocky at first, but having been friends first, I knew that he was worth hanging on to. He broke up with me a couple of times during that first year, but he always came right back. And I took him back.
About 15 months into the relationship, he broke up with me again and stayed gone for three months. This threw me into a bad depression for a while. I finally pulled myself back together - visited some message boards, read some books, hung out with friends, and found some peace in my life. Then he came back. I told him that I couldn't go through another break-up and that if he really wanted to get back together that he would have to make certain that's what he wanted. I made him wait a couple of weeks, then ask me out on a date if he was serious about starting over.
Some time passed, we talked, he asked me to go on a date, and we got back together. Everything was great. He really seemed to want to make some changes in his life and was excited about our relationship. The only real problem for a while was his drinking. He would drink a lot (insane amounts of alcohol) at least 4 nights a week. But he was very loving to me, sober or not.
Well, his drinking sprialed out of control, ending very badly with a trip to the hospital for stitches. His blood alcohol level was over .40! The doctors couldn't understand how he was still awake and somewhat functional. We all (me, his family, and some friends) finally decided it was time to put a stop to this madness and sent him to rehab. He was gone for six weeks and it was hard but I knew that he would be better when he got home. We wrote letters, I visited when I could, and things seemed to be going fine. Rehab worked. He hasn't had a drink in almost a year now and he is much healthier now - physically anyway. Emotionally, not so much.
When he got home from rehab, he threw himself into a home remodeling project he had unsuccessfully taken stabs at over the previous months. He was in good spirits, a little distant, but I attributed that to has involuntary stint at rehab and his adjustment to sober life at home. Things went pretty well until the job was completed.
We moved into the remodeled house in March and things have been going downhill ever since. He has had pretty much nothing to do during the day while I'm at work so he's been thinking about his parents' divorce a lot. And his mother brings up the subject every time she sees him. It's not fair that she puts this burden on her children, but she does it anyway and it just upsets everybody. Just digging and digging at an old wound.
So my bf has been getting more and more depressed and is taking it out on me by ignoring me, snapping at me, and just being generally unapproachable and sometimes mean. No physical abuse and no name-calling, just distance and irritability. So I try to leave him alone. I let him know that I am here if he wants to talk and I try hard to be cheerful and hospitable. I also encourage him to get involved in activities during the week - golfing with his friends, having lunch with his family (minus mom), finishing up little jobs around the house. But it gets hard sometimes and I end up saying things I immediately regret. This starts the inevitable argument, but we've been able to pick up the pieces and move forward. Until now.
A couple of weeks ago, he started getting back into his old routine of staying up late at night and sleeping the days away. He knows that this behavior is self-destructive, but he does it anyway. I ask him to come to bed with me and he refuses - says he is too busy and he has things to do. This translates into late nights burning CD's and DVD's on his computer. He has become increasingly distant over the last couple of weeks and it culminated in the dreaded discussion last night. He says he is not happy in our relationship and (not in so many words) wants to break up. He says that I am boring and that he should look forward to spending time with me, but he doesn't.
I have tried and tried to get him to do "fun" things in the evenings and on the weekends, but he hasn't been interested in doing anything I suggest. And he doesn't make any suggestions about what he wants to do. So we end up doing the same old things - staying at home or going to the same place we met so many years ago. Of course it's boring, but he hasn't seemed willing to change that and now he's blaming me for it.
I love him so much. I wouldn't have taken him back after the last break-up if I didn't think we could work it out. I want to be able to talk to him about things and for him to be able to come to me. I don't want to give up on this. I have invested too much love, time, and energy to just stand by and let him walk away again. He really is a great person when he's not bogged down by depression.
So I guess what I'm looking for here is a sympathetic ear and perhaps some advice from someone who has dealt with a depressed significant other.
TIA, AtlantaGirl

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Just posting on the iVillage message boards has helped me through a lot in the last couple of years. Not just issues with my bf, but other things as well. I truly appreciate the support I receive here. I take a lot of the advice with a grain of salt, but some (good and bad news) has really opened my eyes to issues and potential solutions I never would have thought of on my own.
Thank you,
AtlantaGirl
AtlantaGirl74
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