He's down, how do I help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
He's down, how do I help?
6
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 6:40pm
Thank you in advance for your advice!

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half, and we're both in our mid-20s. We took things slowly and went through a lot of discussions about our relationship early on. As a result, I really think we are in a very secure and comfortable place now.

He is generally the kind of person who keeps to himself when he is dealing with problems, although he has certainly opened up quite a bit during our relationship. He says he's been working on trusting me with his feelings and problems. He typically has a very level disposition.

However, for the past few months, he's been very down. There just doesn't seem to be much that makes him feel happy anymore, and he's very unmotivated. He describes it as feeling like he's "sleepwalking through his life." He feels insecure about his ability to do his work (he's an activist, and I think he's wonderful at it), he's just bought a house and feels nervous about that, and other than that, he's just not sure what's wrong. I'm afraid he may be depressed.

He says that talking about it with me makes him feel better, but I don't think it's making any significant difference. Of course, I know that I'm not the solution, that I can't just make it better, but I can't stand by without helping! It's hard for me to tell him how wonderful and capable I think he is, because it's that same sort of effect of your mother telling you you're pretty, right? It's nice to hear, but it doesn't really mean that much. We pretty much live together, although I'm constantly inviting him to take time and space to himself if he needs it, and we do spend a couple nights a week apart. Beyond these things, though, I'm just not sure what to do!

I love this man very deeply, and he assures me that I'm certainly not a part of the problem. How do I be part of the solution?

Thanks again for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 9:12pm
From what you have posted, it does sound like he is suffering from some type of depression. It also sounds like you guys are in an open and close relationship so you will be able to talk to him about things. I would try to encourage him to go to a doctor and speak to a professional about his feelings, as they are more equipped to pinpoint it as depression (or not). I am sure you are helping, but a person suffering from depression needs more help than a supportive spouse (or g/f). He might also listen to the doctor because doctor's have the knowledge to determine what is going on. That is what I would suggest!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 8:37pm
Thanks for your advice. I know what you mean, and I think you're right that he's suffering from some form of depression. It really seems like a recent development, since this is definitely not his pattern in the past. He doesn't really seem to buy in to therapy, though, so I don't really see him going for it. His ex-girlfriend suffered from major depression, and she's since been doing a lot better and feeling pretty happy. I even suggested that he talk to her, and maybe she could offer some insight. See, she's gone through tons of therapy, so even if my boyfriend won't do it himself, maybe she can help him based on the help she's received. I just don't know how to deal with this.

I really appreciate your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 11:31pm
How do you help, you ask? Give him space... breathing air. It will help, trust me on this one. Don't nag him & don't pester him. It will only push him away.

God bless,

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:29pm
Hi, Tracy -

Really? I definitely understand the principle; early on in our relationship, that was the rule for me - to give him space whenever he seemed stressed. But now, our relationship has changed quite a bit, and he seeks me out when he's down. I'm the only one he opens up to, confides in, or cries in front of, etc. I suggest that he spend time with his friends, but he says that he doesn't get much pleasure out of it anymore. I've suggested that he talk with his ex-girlfriend, but he doesn't want to open up a can of worms. I've really tried to get him to accept more support from other sources; not because I don't want him to depend on me, but more because I'm afraid I'm not very effective.

I know what you mean, but we're just reaching a point where he relies on me so heavily as an outlet for his feelings, and I'm afraid to take that away from him.

What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 10:25am
My boyfriend also suffers from depression. He's been dealing with it for the past 5 months, and before that it happened 4 years ago. All I can tell you is that you shouldn't put your life on hold for him. Be supportive, but don't wrap yourself around his depression. I did that, and it got me nowhere. Let him come out of this himself and you'll be happy you did it that way in the end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 12:57pm
Hi, cleopatra -

I appreciate you sharing that. It's comforting to know that you've been through this successfully before, although I'm sorry you're going through it again.

How do you do that?! How do you avoid getting wrapped up in his depression? It's just so frustrating, thinking that of all people, I should be able to help him, but I can't! And I know, in my head at least, that I can't be the solution, that he has to do it himself, but how do I stand by?

What's the best way to be supportive and available to him, without getting wrapped up in his depression? The biggest worry I have is that he's so unmotivated lately, that he's just letting himself sink into this depression, but he's not motivated to take steps to get out of it.

His last serious girlfriend was very depressed, and it totally tore their relationship apart. How do I avoid this?