hes emotionally stunted
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| Fri, 09-10-2004 - 12:46am |
I was feelin' very down about my dads recent back surgery and just needed someone to talk to. Well he thinks talking is "arguing" evn though I never disagreed w/ anything he said. He said I was "complaining" even though I was just tryin to get things off my ches that were botherin me.
Finally I asked....what makes u happy....I got the reply "money". He finally said family made him happy to. I kept askin him about his happiness and he said "why do u care?" I was takin back
I told him that i care about his happiness and asked didnt he care about mine. no reply, and then after much bugging...yes i care
i then was like dont u care that we have been together 6 months next week, no reply....i wasl ike "if its no big deal to u thats ok, but is it? or is it nothin major?"
he looks at me and goes "are u just trying to piss me off?"
i got so upset...how does that question mean to make someone angry. I have never done anything to make him angry on purpose so he has no reason to say this..i told him thanks now I know how he feels and took a drive to get my thoughts together.
came back....asked him why he lead me on for 6 months,asked me to move im w/ him, took me to florida, and now not give a care about me. i basically got no reply. i finally blurted out that if u dont love me now, u never will and told him i loved him.
i asked him if i should get my stuff and leave and after many repeated ques, he finally said i want u to stay....i asked why....no response....
I got nothing else out of him....he jsut would occasionally look at me me, sometimes it looked like he did have tears in his eyes, and then would look back at the ground. I felt like i was talkin to a brick wall.....I dont know hwat to do....I love him....I have moved my life to be w/ him....I just dont know what to do

What he heard was you complaining about circumstances in your life that are making you unhappy. He feels helpless as the things you were venting about are things outside of his influence, power or control to fix or change. He was likely thinking "how can I help this?" while realizing he can't.
What it turned into is a battle of "what makes you happy" and it got personal as if you are the only source of his happiness or vice versa.
What you needed does not come natural to men. It takes us a long time to learn, practice and become capable of doing. Its not right or wrong - its just different because men and women are different in how we express our feelings and require validation. My guess is that if you had the exact same "vent" talk with your best girlfriend, she would have responded exactly as you wanted. You expected him to listen, act and validate exactly like your best girlfriend.
You may wish to get the book Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil McGraw. In this book he has a couple of chapters that address Relationship Myths and Bad Spirits. Both of you should read these chapters to gain a better perspective of your current situation and of yourselves.
Hopefully in time he will learn the communication skills required to offer you validation and prioritization of your feelings. Hopefully in time you will learn that venting on your partner can create additional stress and hurtful words that can permenantly damage your relationship.
Are you two dating????? The "relationship" that you described to me, is how I would act to a stranger. If you have to question someones love for you, why are you with that person? You two seem totally different and want teh relationship to go in two seperate directions.
While you feel you need reassurance from him, he doesnt even know how to relate any feelings...
I think you know what you need to do, its just a matter of doing it.
Best wishes,
The question here is not whether he thinks you should leave, the question is why in the world are you staying? Some individuals do not even realize that they are in abusive relationships. His behavior towards you lacks respect, good will and any kind of consideration. Why in the world are you still there? Until we have respect for ourselves and good self esteem it is easy to get stuck in negative situations like the one you described. The problem here is with your own sense of self worth. Work on it. Don't focus on him, focus upon yourself. You deserve a much warmer, kindner more giving relationship. He has his own issues with relationships obviously. You cannot solve them, heal them or figure them out for him. It's something he has to do and want to do on his own. At this time he doesn't seem to. Right now you need to focus upon your own self. It seems that the longer you stay there, the longer you will be in a situation which is disrepectful to you.
Get some help with this if it's hard to work with. And I strongly suggest you read my book Zen And The Art of Falling In Love. It's filled with helpful exercises and much information about what love really is.
Best wishes.
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