He's just so busy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
He's just so busy...
16
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 2:08pm
My fiancee seems to be too busy for us. If it isn't work, it's sports, or the Elks Lodge. It's always something. He never seems to be able to just have an evening with us. We broke up a while back for a few months and reconciled and became engaged. He was so excited about having a life with me and my children. But it began to slowly stop when his buddies started calling more and then once a week he was out and he was late coming home. Now it isn't so much that but it's the hobbies. His job is demanding and I completely understand that part I want him to excel in his career and he is a hard worker, but now he's taken an officer status with the Elk's Club and with that comes hours there. Often til later at night, so it seems. Sometimes I can be there with him, others I can't. Then he is in sports too so there are practices and double headers. When we reconciled he was so excited about planning to get married right away, now he barely will speak about it. And we were supposed to move in together but now he's holding off on that too. And he won't explain why. He just says he wants to leave it as is right now...yet he stays at my place all the time. And he said he won't get married until he is sure his career is where he wants it and that his bosses KNOW he is valuable enough that they would never consider doing away with him. He already makes great money and we can afford to live well. He says he wants the best for us, but at what cost? Losing me? I mean I wait for him all the time and he has yet to reward me for this. He has never taken me away for a weekend and we have been together over a year. Yet he goes out of town for hunting trips with friends and cousins several times a year. Or will stay at his hunting cabin with friends for a few nights at a time. He isn't romantic. I mean he's very sweet and never raises his voice to me, but when I try to explain to him how I feel he either goes catatonic or gets defensive. I just don't know whether to let him go and let him be single and have his hobbies and career or to wait to see if he ever will honor his committment to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 4:17pm
Perhaps it is in your best interest to clearly define what "honor his committment to me" to you means and the expectations he is required to meet for this to be accomplished.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 5:41pm

Welcome to the board lissa91,


Here's some reading material to consider:


Keys to the Kingdom, Alison Armstrong (you will see what stage your guy is in by reading this one)


Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis





iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 7:15pm
What I meant by that is that he says he wants us to be married and he has given me a gorgeous diamond ring. He says that is a sign of our committment, however, I wonder exactly WHEN we will actually get to be married. I don't need to do it today, but I'd like to at least have some plan as to when we can consider it. I mean he does very well at work and he is a hard worker...I admire that in him...I was married before and my ex still can't keep a job. So knowing that the man I am with has a healthy work ethic, it just makes me proud. But when we reconciled, he was VERY excited about talking about it and almost pressuring me to set a date and now he barely will talk about it. I don't bring it up much but when he is too busy to be with me sometimes I just question his loyalty to me and my children. This is a committment he took very seriously and I hope he still does. I adore this man and he makes me feel good about myself. My life does not revolve around him...I have work and my kids and friends, but I do love to have time with him and to know he feels the same. I see an intense love in his eyes when we are together. He tells me all the time he loves me, even at random times we are just sitting together. I know without a doubt he is absolutely in love with me. But it's hard when you want something so badly to happen and the person who seemed so ready once is now backing off some to deal with other things...it hurts a little because I take it personally and maybe I shouldn't.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 7:19pm

"And he said he won't get married until he is sure his career is where he wants it and that his bosses KNOW he is valuable enough that they would never consider doing away with him."


The above is a b.s. statement from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 8:28pm
I wouldn't exactly say it's B.S. I mean I know he is a hard worker and takes his job seriously. He also takes his responsibility to us seriously. He has been divorced 11 years and he has no kids of his own, just a boy that his ex wife has that he helped her with after she got pregnant years after their divorce. He knows that my kids are my world and he understands that if he marries me he is taking on two children as well and that he will be providing for all of us. I can understand holding off on marrying for a bit if he is trying to focus on his job to make sure he is considered indispensable but I guess I worry more about all the other stuff...the hobbies he has...he's an active man and he loves to stay busy. If he sits still for too long, he falls asleep. Even if we are out. He MUST be doing something. I worry that one day he will burn out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2008
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 11:18pm

Hi L,

The other poster was exactly right. He's telling you that until his bosses give him a guarantee that they will never let him go he won't marry you.

And, that is his choice to make. If that's what makes him comfortable, well, that's what makes him comfortable. His ability to focus on work and not you at the same time may just be the way he is.

It's you who needs to decide any actions to take, if any. He's not changing, it sounds like.

WT

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 1:25am
How about a heart to heart talk about your observations and how his actions impact quality of life for the two of you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 7:20am

I guess I wouldn't really say you're even "engaged" since he's not willing to set a date with you. I'm sorry to say but it sounds as though he proposed to you to placate you, or because he was so temporarily ecstatic about being back together. It doesn't sound like that's what he really wants.

On the other hand, I wonder if you've been making yourself clear enough to him. Spice.Man has a point that if you have expectations for him that he has to meet, you've got to make them clear and concise. It doesn't sound as though this is going to work the way it is, so you need to think about what EXACTLY will work for you. You expect him to "take you away" for a weekend but is he expected to sweep you off your feet and carry you to a surprise location? Why don't you start making plans for a weekend away together?

You can't make a man "more romantic". If you make him try to be more romantic, it's going to feel contrived because it won't be sincere. When you tell him how you feel, he gets frustrated because you're saying "I want you to be someone you're not". Of course he goes catatonic, how is he supposed to respond?

Many women would be thrilled to have a guy who isn't particularly romantic but who is sweet and faithful and generous. A few nights spent hunting with friends in a year wouldn't wound every woman's psyche. If it's not okay with you then that's reasonable, but you should find someone you do appreciate and who doesn't take a lot of changing to acclimate to your life.

I think that he is holding out on marriage for other reasons than work promises. Maybe that is wise of him, it's certainly not a good idea to get married when you are still wading in issues that broke you up. I hope you understand that this guy doesn't have his foot on the throat of the relationship, you have control too - especially in defining what you want from him and deciding whether or not this is how you want to live the rest of your life. I'm not convinced you are a great pair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 9:55am

Here are links to Lissa's other posts within the last few weeks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 11:20am

sdlostorfound, thanks for the links.

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