he's my ex-best friends ex husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
he's my ex-best friends ex husband
20
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 4:26pm
Soooo.... I need unbiased advice and have nowhere to turn but a message board online.

I managed to get myself in a very strange situation and I don't know what to do.

Here's the whole story, so if you have about 5 minutes please read my drama and let me know what you think: my freshman year in college I met a lot of people I have become really good friends with and I love a great deal. One of these people was Beck, a girl who became one of the best friends I ever had. 3 years after we met she got married to her high school sweetheart, also a good friend of mine, and I was their maid of honor. I was even there when he proposed to her. They graduated college a year before me and moved back to their home town in the Midwest. I finished college and took a job in the same town we all went to school at and then moved in January to the same city they were living in to be closer.

Shortly after I moved they had a big fallout. Some of it had to do with me, as I was single and still in party mode, and Beck and I started going out like we used to back in college. It was all fun for a couple months. There was also a guy from her work who had a crush on her and she sort of liked. The three of us went out together on several occasions and I liked the guy, he was nice and seemed to reaaaaallly be head over heels for her. She and her husband were having problems at home, she kept telling me how unhappy she was, how they did nothing but fight... I told her to do whatever makes her happy and that she shouldn't stay in a relationship that's not working out only to find out many years down the road that she should have ended it. I basically encouraged her to see this other guy. Her husband started suspecting things, didn't like her going out all nite with me, tried to set some rules... nothing worked, she had to move in with me for a few weeks and they ended up getting a divorce.

The entire time I was still friends with her husband, but I covered up for her a lot, as he called one night and plainly asked me if there's anything I was hiding from him. I lied and felt horrible, but I couldn't betray my best friend.

I am going to call him Joe.

So then Joe and I started hanging out every once in a while. I was still new in town, we both liked Asian food and started going out once a week to a new restaurant to explore the city. We both liked sports, went to a few ball games, became better friends.

Beck didn't like the idea of me hanging out with him and started asking all kinds of questions. She felt betrayed and I felt hurt because she didn't trust me enough and things escalated; she gave me an ultimatum, chose between her and him. I don't do ultimatums very well and I refused to choose. She also campaigned around our circle of friends and started a rumor about Joe and me. We never spoke after that. This was about 6 months ago.

With Beck nagging me all the time and accusing me of things that weren't true, because Joe and I were nothing but friends, and Joe being nice all the time and knowing how she would get things too worked up at times, it was really easy to bond with him more and more. But we were just friends. I even tried setting him up on a couple dates, I gave him girl advice, since I am the being single expert, we continued going out, he would spend the nite at my place occasionally, it was a lot of innocent fun. We laughed at all the rumors about us, because he wasn't my type and I didn't believe I was his, as I am pretty much Beck's opposite at everything.

One nite about 4 months ago he told me that he really really liked me and I kind of knew. I didn't tell him so back then but I was fighting that same feeling, I was really really starting to like him too. I told him he was confused and that he was insane and that it will go away. It didn't. He told me he loved me a couple weeks ago (his exact words were "I need to tell you something and I don't expect you to say anything back, but I love you.") and we've been together ever since. Him going away for 2 days for Thanksgiving felt like forever and I am very much in love with this guy, I absolutely love him.

I don't really know how it happened or when, but I can't help feeling the way I do. He tells me all the time how happy he is when he is with me and I don't think I have ever been happier either. I never knew what I was really looking for in a guy until now, I thought I knew, but I was soo far off. He's sweet and kind and considerate and the way he looks at me.... I can't even begin to explain what it is like but it is great. He drives miles and miles in the middle of the nite just to see me, even though chances are that I might be asleep already. Or planning a whole surprise thing the nite before Thanksgiving and taking me to my first hockey game, best seats in the place, reservations to the club’s restaurant, the whole thing. I don’t think I ever felt so special in my life; he makes me feel on top of the world. he pays attention to things I like, he kisses me just right, the sex is great, he doesn't get on my nerves, he likes same things I do, it's just toooo right too quick too craziness.

Only bad part is that I have had to lose a couple friends over this. First beck and now my other best friend, who emailed me and said that I am “despicable and mean” for doing this to Beck (I swear I am not and didn’t do anything to her) and that she has no doubt that should this have happened the other way around I would probably do the same thing to her and she can’t trust me anymore because of this. I cried a whole day after getting that email, she was like a sister to me, how could she even begin to think something like that. I tried not to let him see that I was upset over this but he caught me off guard and I ended up crying a few good hours in his arms. And he just held me and told me that he doesn’t want to see me cry and that whatever I decide to do is fine with him, as long as I don’t cry anymore.

So what to do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 5:02pm
Well it sounds like the damage was done and that not seeing him won't bring back your friends? Do you agree or do you think that if you call things off with him that you ca get your friends back?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 5:54pm
Well of course people aren't going to like you anymore. You want to see things the way you want to see them (I don't see you taking any responsibility for how twisted your actions are), and other people just see how horrible you are, your lack of integrity, and your selfishness.




Edited 12/5/2003 1:50:11 PM ET by i_emgoddez

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 11:03am

I really can't blame your friend either, what you did to your "best friend" Beck was down right horrible, you rooted her on to cheat with her husband and while she wasn't looking you took him for yourself.


I wouldn't trust you to bag my groceries, and I certainly wouldn't trust you to be my friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 2:06pm
I know for sure that what we have is special and I am not going to call if off. The way things worked out it looks like I have lost the two friends reardless of whether I stop this or not.

Maybe time will smooth things over. It just hurts my feelings that two of my friends who were supposed to know that i am not a mean spirited person and a couple other people who responded to my post drew the conclusion that I did this somehow in a malicious way. Like I said before, I never expected this to happen, i didn't want to lose poeple this way.

Thanks a lot for your time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 2:17pm
Hey James, this is totally irrelevant, but I forgot to ask earlier. They have a new version of Kazaa that has a virus scanner on it. Why do you say that it will wreck the PC?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 2:27pm
Thank you first of all for your time.

You point out a few things that have been haunting me the past few weeks and that I feel I need to explain to you.

It is not like I planned on this to happen. I also need to mention to you that I actually happen to think of myself as a nice caring person and quite actually this is why some of this drama came to be, because this is something so unlike of me to do. You read my post and started accusing me of being selfish and sick, having no self-esteem or integrity, and quite honestly I can assure you that you are mistaken. I am not the person you drew out.

I didn't move here with the only purpose to be a part of their marriage. They were 2 of a group of college friends, plus i am a big sports fan and I wanted to be closer so I can go to home games and not have to drive 4 hours, airport is here, since I travel a lot, so them being here was only one of a number of reasons why I moved.

Then beck came to tell me how she was unhappy in her marriage and that they did nothing but fight all the time. She was my best friend, I wanted her to be happy, so I gave her the best advice I could and I supported whatever decision she made. She did like the guy from work, it wasn't like I talked her into liking him. He made her happy and I was happy for her. You might not believe me, but that's the truth.

The friend I was referring to as being like a sister to me is my other best friend, I think I might have worded my last paragraph a little confusing. She is the one who emailed me all the "despicable and mean" stuff.

I am just taking a chance and following my heart. I think the circumstances are unusual but I love him and he loves me. I wasn't the one who pursued this, I never initiated anything, it just so happened and there's really no good way out.

I do believe in karma and i fear that one day the same will happen to me. And if it does I hope it will be not out of malicious intent as nothing I did was either.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 2:27pm

Wow, you really take the cake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 2:29pm
Where's the puke icon at? You are so full of it. None of that JUST happened... You made every one of those choices- and they were all self-serving with no regard to anyone but yourself. Your relationship won't work out because he's probably rebounding on you, and plus, there is always the fact that you act like a serpent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 2:34pm
I am thinking about trying to talk to beck in the next couple of months and tell her that I truly feel horrible about the whole thing. When all this started between him and me their divorce was final and she and I were no longer speaking because of her previous accusations.

Like I said before, this just worked out in the most chaotic way possible, do you think I wanted any of this?

Believe it or not I walk around every day with a pain in my chest and I cry all the time when I am not with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 2:39pm
I think the two friends that know you, see you clearly. More clearly than you see yourself. Your words and your actions do NOT match. While you may have not intended to be hurtful, betray your friend, etc. you have done just that.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Let me give you examples.....

::Beck and I started going out like we used to back in college. It was all fun for a couple months. There was also a guy from her work who had a crush on her and she sort of liked. The three of us went out together on several occasions and I liked the guy, he was nice and seemed to reaaaaallly be head over heels for her. She and her husband were having problems at home, she kept telling me how unhappy she was, how they did nothing but fight... I told her to do whatever makes her happy and that she shouldn't stay in a relationship that's not working out only to find out many years down the road that she should have ended it. I basically encouraged her to see this other guy.

Too bad you didn't encourage her to seek marriage counseling instead of *going for* a new relationship. Her marriage might have worked out.

::Her husband started suspecting things, didn't like her going out all nite with me,

Duh! Which makes me wonder why he TRUSTS you now.

::The entire time I was still friends with her husband, but I covered up for her a lot, as he called one night and plainly asked me if there's anything I was hiding from him. I lied and felt horrible, but I couldn't betray my best friend.

Again, I can't imagine why he trusts you now. You lied to him. While you felt horrible, not horrible enough to not do it. This is where what you say doesn't match your actions. Your values, justified your action.

::So then Joe and I started hanging out every once in a while. I was still new in town, we both liked Asian food and started going out once a week to a new restaurant to explore the city. We both liked sports, went to a few ball games, became better friends.

How nice for you. However, with your BEST FRIEND just breaking up with him, I'm surprised you didn't think of her feelings and/or get a female friend to show you around, hang out with you.

::Beck didn't like the idea of me hanging out with him and started asking all kinds of questions. She felt betrayed and I felt hurt because she didn't trust me enough and things escalated; she gave me an ultimatum, chose between her and him. I don't do ultimatums very well and I refused to choose. She also campaigned around our circle of friends and started a rumor about Joe and me. We never spoke after that. This was about 6 months ago.

What hon did you expect from her? You have betrayed her. And she had no reason to trust you as your past choices and behavior indicate plainly to all of us reading your story that you lie when it suits your needs, under the guise of protecting a best friend - her. She knows you lied for her. Now your loyalities changed over to Joe so she was right in thinking you can't be trusted in regards to him.

::With Beck nagging me all the time and accusing me of things that weren't true, because Joe and I were nothing but friends, and Joe being nice all the time and knowing how she would get things too worked up at times, it was really easy to bond with him more and more. But we were just friends.

Did you ever, ever consider Beck's feelings? The possiblity that she was so concerned and got worked up was because she still had feelings for her husband?

::I even tried setting him up on a couple dates, I gave him girl advice, since I am the being single expert, we continued going out, he would spend the nite at my place occasionally, it was a lot of innocent fun. We laughed at all the rumors about us, because he wasn't my type and I didn't believe I was his, as I am pretty much Beck's opposite at everything.

Again, your actions don't match your words. Lip service to setting him up with other woman, all the while STILL building a relationship with him.

::I don't really know how it happened or when, but I can't help feeling the way I do. He tells me all the time how happy he is when he is with me and I don't think I have ever been happier either.

It happens slowly by sharing intimate, emotional things. Bonds you to each other. This is how affairs happen.

::He's sweet and kind and considerate and the way he looks at me.... I can't even begin to explain what it is like but it is great. He drives miles and miles in the middle of the nite just to see me, even though chances are that I might be asleep already. Or planning a whole surprise thing the nite before Thanksgiving and taking me to my first hockey game, best seats in the place, reservations to the club’s restaurant, the whole thing. I don’t think I ever felt so special in my life; he makes me feel on top of the world. he pays attention to things I like, he kisses me just right, the sex is great, he doesn't get on my nerves, he likes same things I do, it's just toooo right too quick too craziness.

So can I ask, what was wrong with him in is marriage. Did he stop paying attention to Beck, stop surprising her with loving things, stop planning wonderful outings? Or maybe stopped *courting* her because he married her?

::Only bad part is that I have had to lose a couple friends over this. First beck and now my other best friend, who emailed me and said that I am “despicable and mean” for doing this to Beck (I swear I am not and didn’t do anything to her) and that she has no doubt that should this have happened the other way around I would probably do the same thing to her and she can’t trust me anymore because of this.

(I swear I am not and didn’t do anything to her) - oh, but you did. You didn't encourage her to go to counseling with Joe, as a real friend would. You lied for her and thereby became untrustworthy. You started hanging out with her husband (hmm, was he divorced yet?) and even after their divorce you continued a relationship with him, building toward romance. You betrayed her friendship. The friend that sent the email was being honest in her assesstment of the situation.

I know I've been harsh and I apologize, but I want you to see the reality of your life, your choices and decisions. Even with all that said, I also want to add.....everything happens for a reason and maybe this was the way it was suppose to play out so that you could be with Joe, so that you would lose a friendship, to experience it for your higher good. Yet, I can't help but wonder the karma you have sowed will be the karma you reap eventually.

Grieve for the end of the friendships. Take time to heal from that pain, but don't discount your contribution to the breach. Sorry you have to go through this.




Carrie

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