he's not ready

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2008
he's not ready
8
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 4:58am

Why stay huh? I feel that I have been waiting for him to be ready forever. After college he wasnt ready because he has not become successful as much as he wanted t. bad careers and disillussionment in the real world for 5 years, he decided he wanted to take up law school. by that time ive been working 5 years, gotten out of a bad job and into a great career, been earning loads of money. he on the other hand had a 4-year relationship with an officemate, behind my back which he never admitted to even though I found all evidences of. i left the country and found an even greater career. all the time broke up and got together because he said he knows "its me he wants" and he loves me and im the only good thing happening in his life. i believed him again and the year I was away he continued his relationship with this girl while professing he loves me. he had to let her go after i told her I am existing in his life. i waited for my guy to break up with her gently sdo as he wont look bad. Yeah I know Im stupid but i dont want anything bad to befall him. i do love him. another two years out of the country, ive bought a house, established myself and went back home planned wedding as he decided he would marry me after lawschool. i put my foot down and gave an ultimatum. he had to give in and agree BUT told me he could not participate in our wedding preparsations because he said "i told you i have lawschool and im doing this for our future". i am just SO FED UP. But I cant let go. Maybe I cannot face the fact that Ive wasterd 12 years of my life with this person who keeps breaking my heart, but keeps telling me Im the most important person in his life. i just might be a sucker for this person who needs me. Am I crazy? because Im still thinking of giving him the year he wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 7:23am

Yes, you are a sucker. You're a huge sucker, and you know it. I disagree that you're "stupid" though. You made a lot of successes for yourself, by yourself, and yet somehow, you haven't even built up the self-confidence to leave a guy who is just CRAPPY.

You're only stuck as long as you convince yourself that you're stuck. You don't feel that it's "safe" to leave him because you know that breakups hurt. And maybe... because you have control over so much in your own life, you feel a little bit of appeal from the control he exerts upon you.

It is unlikely that he will marry you. What keeps him around, ultimately, is the fact that he's knows how lucky he is to be with a woman who will let him walk all over her and stick around when he cheats on her, has other relationships, and throws her table scraps of verbal praise in order to feed the machine that keeps it coming. You're giving him the relationship many men would consider a dream. You give him monogamy while he is free to play the field. You have proven by coming back to him and spending 12 years with him that he can do whatever he wants. And what he has proven in return is that he will take advantage of you for the rest of your life.

If he goes through with the wedding it will only be to make your "partnership" harder for you to leave when he finds more girlfriends. And he will.

The choice is yours. You can either un-stick yourself from this now, or look back on your life when you're 85 wishing to God you had another chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 11:51am

Welcome to the board disillussioned,


You aren't crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 1:06pm
If he isnt "ready" after 12 years...he isnt going to ever be where you want him to be emotionally.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2008
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 2:24pm

hello eggbertshootsfire,


thanks for being frank. posting in this messageboard is liberating. ive always had an excuse of not doing so because i know id hear from other people how much of a sucker i am and im right. and youre right. its just difficult to believe something for 12 years and realise its all been a lie. anyway, picking up the pieces is something i guess i should focus on right now. yes youre right i have to

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2008
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 2:27pm
No Carrie, i dont want another 12 years of this. i know what needs to be done.... i just need to take the first step on doing it. ive left the country but that didnt help me. thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2008
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 2:29pm

hi ragingangel08,


i have no comment because ive known that for 6 years now. but i havent managed to cut my losses up to now. i hope this time i can.


thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 2:44pm

Here's a few books that might help you:


Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis


Do Not Talk To, Touch, Marry, or Otherwise Fiddle with Frogs, by Nailah Shami



Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 3:20pm
I wish you luck - though I don't think you need it. I also wish you STRENGTH, this is a difficult thing to do but if you have the willpower and the desire to be happier than this then it will happen for you!