He's smoking again .... ?
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| Mon, 04-26-2004 - 3:01pm |
Yesterday, I found an empty cigarette pack in a hidden pocket of his jacket and I'm worried, upset and disappointed that he may have started smoking behind my back.
Let me give a little history... I was with another guy for about 4 years and he started smoking. I tried my best to accept this. My Mom and sister smoke, so I thought I could live with it, despite my displeasure and slight allergy. But over time, I detested the smell of smoke on him - his breath, his skin, his clothes and the big waft that came out of the closet whenever I opened it. I loved this guy, but I began to hate being near him, hate kissing him or being intimate. Evenutally our relationship deteriorated.
Now that I'm married, I'm scared to death that this will happen again. When I was looking for a relationship again, it was very important to me that the person did not smoke. He told me originally that he was a "non-smoker". After meeting and getting involved, he admitted that he used to smoke and now only does "when I'm drinking". This I could accept - if I'm drinking too, I can tolerate it.
So yesterday we were at a family function at a country club and I offered to hang our jackets up in the cloakroom. So, I started to take his cell phone and wallet out of his jacket pockets to put them in my purse for him. He jumped up and GRABBED his jacket out of my hand. Immediately, the red flags went up and i thought "What are you hiding?". As he pulled it away, i did feel a squarish object. My first thought was definitely "cigarettes?". So he started nervously going through his pockets and sure enough a lighter comes out. All this time, I'm not saying a thing... waiting to see what he will say. Nothing.
I take the jacket to the cloakroom and look for the squarish thing i felt... inside one of the 'hidden' pockets of the jacket was an empty cigarette pack. My heart leapt in my throat. I took it back with me and tossed it in front of him on the table and asked, "Is this what you were trying to hide?" He said, "yeah, but it's not what you think." (How the hell does he know what i'm thinking?)
So he goes on to tell me that he bumped into a friend ('Dave') at work and they got talking, and Dave offered him a smoke. I said, "Ok, but why do you have a pack and a lighter?" He says "Dave gave them to me." I asked him why Dave would give you an empty pack and why would he put an empty pack in his secret pocket??? He fumbled with that one and said there was one smoke left. That's not cool. Recently, he started to have a cigarette with friends even if he's barely been drinking. Now, it sounds like he's having them sober (either that or he's drinking at work ?!?).
But the long and short of it all is that he's hidden something from me on purpose, even physically ripped something out of my hands in fear that I'd discover it. And I did. Lies always have a way of turning up somehow, don't you think? and i caught him.
It leads me to wonder what else he's hiding? What else WILL he hide from me? He obviously has the capacity to lie and deceive.
I feel like crap. I emailed a friend today and she (having had experience being with a smoker) told me that 'once a smoker, always a smoker'. My husband insists that he is a non-smoker. I know that is bull*t now. She also told me that being angry at him will just make him hide it more. I know that, logically, but i can't help it... I'm so angry and disappointed that I can't possibly be "not" angry right now.
If once a smoker, always a smoker is true... Once a liar, always a liar ? How do I possibly trust him now?

Please try and get him to truly quit. He is lying to you now. Tell him you care so much about his lungs you want him to quit for his health. Good luck.
or you will never get past the addiction (my husband tried that too).
The other thing that may or may not work is to have a ciggarette with him. My H hated to see me smoke cause he cared about me. It got him thinking. They are in denial like any other habit.
I gave my husband a TV to get him to quit. I asked him what would get him to quit for good and he said a nice Sony Vega TV. So I bought him one. He quit after that.
I feel really left out, and like I'm the bitch when we're with that couple, because the three of them (my H included) go out for their smoke while I'm left inside by myself. I appreciate that they go outside, but I means I'm sitting alone, usually upset because the H is smoking, so I can just imagine what they must be saying. I've expressed these feelings to him (being left out and that I wish he didn't smoke), but it doesn't seem to matter and has not changed his behaviour.
I don't want to bribe him into quitting - what if he starts again? Then he just gets another prize when he quits again? I'm glad it worked for you and your husband, but i could just see that backfire on me too. And i want him to quit for himself - for his own health and his possible future children. Not for me. If he quits for me because I put out an ultimatum, then who's to say he won't start when he's mad at me ? then can't quit again....
Even thought I don't want to GIVE an ultimatum, ultimately it will come down to that, because I know from experience that I cannot live with a smoker. I am so ... confused and scared.
1. I don't want to go off birth control until you go off cigaretts.
2. We are not going ______until you quit smoking.
3. We are not hanging with your smoking buddies anymore.
4. I am not going drinking with you until you quit smoking.
5. We are not going on vacation till you quit that nasty smoking.
6. Do you care about your health?
7. No sex until you quit smoking (I don't know about this one...)
8. I wont cook dinner until you quit smoking.
Take away things he likes if you can before actually asking for a divorce over it. Try anything and everything first. Talk to a counselor about it too. maybe a smoking cessation counselor. Good Luck. There is a lot you can do before divorce.
I like #1. and #7 had definitely entered my mind... haha! but if he thinks he can hide the smoking, why not try an affair if he isn't getting it at home??
#6 needs to be discussed for sure.
I understand your predicament. While my situation is a bit different, we share the frustration of being with a smoker and the uncertainty of the future. I live with my boyfriend of 3 years, and I love him very much, but he smokes, A LOT! And I would be lying if I said it had no impact on our relationship. You,(and I) have to envision a future where the most important thing to the smoker is their habit. Yes, that's what I said. Even more important than your relationship. The smoker's primary relationship is with their addiction, whether its smoking, alchohol, drugs, etc. So, that will always control him if he lets it. It sounds like he is indeed smoking again, and is extremely afraid that you will find out (which you have) because he knows how important not smoking is to you, especially since you stated that explicitly prior to marriage. He may also be afraid of you ending the relationship because of this. You say everything has been wonderful,and I'm sure it has. However, you do need to seriously think about what kind of future you are creating for yourself and your kids if he continues to smoke and there is no change. I think it is impossible to say that a relationship between a smoker and a non-smoker will never present any difficulties because of the difference. It will. Believe me, I am giving myself this advice too. Its very easy to say but harder to follow through.
I generally do not agree with ultimatums; however there is a time to force someone to look at the choices he/she is making and reflect. Tell your husband that you want to help him overcome his addiction again. Ask him what you can do to help. Offer support. Yes, you may have to do things that will not be popular. I read another poster's suggestions and I agree that is what it might take. He will have to make a choice and be accountable for his actions, and decide what is most important to him.
By all means, do not invest anything else into the relationship, especially a child, until he has quit for good. How did he quit before? He may need therapy,etc. Whatever works. I told my boyfriend that if he did not quit by X date, I would move out. That probably sounds extreme, but I am important enough to myself that I will not accept a future with a smoker and all the problems that will present because of it. Just to name a few:
1.decreases sex drive
2. costs money, A LOT
3. it stinks-which leads to more problems. Clothes, breath, car smelling. can't sponteneously kiss.
4. can not watch an entire move through because of so many smoke breaks.
5. lowered sperm count and increase chance of something wrong with baby.
6. secondhand smoke-need i say more?
7. medical problems and money needed to treat medical problems
8. decreased quality of life
9. kids being exposed to smoke
Do think about this and make a wise decision for your future. Good luck.
Jen