He's so hard to read!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
He's so hard to read!
5
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 6:36pm
Hi, I'm new here, but I really need some input. I've been dating this guy for about 5 months now, but I'm not sure how he feels about me. We're not exclusive, yet we see a lot of each other. We spend enough time together that I consider him, for the most part, my "boyfriend", as well as my "friend". He refers to me as his "friend" too but I have also heard him refer to me as his "girlfriend".

Recently, we were at a local bar together; there was a guy talking to me and, because our relationship is casual and we trust each other enough (believe me, jealousy is not a factor for either of us), I was talking to him as well (I was not necessarily flirting with him, but he was flirting with me) and some of my friends pulled me on to the dance floor. While I was dancing my guy sat down in the chair that I was in and the guy I was talking to said to him "hey, you're sitting in my girlfriend's chair". Knowing it wasn't true, my guy asked, "oh yeah, who's your girlfriend?" (knowing he meant me) and the guy pointed to me. My guy proceeds to ask him questions, "how long have you been dating her?", etc. Then he tells this other guy, "I'll bet you $20 I can get your girlfriend to sit on my lap." Well, now this guy changes his tune to, "I mean, she's my best friend". Anyway, he proceeds to tell this guy he knows he's lying and will prove it. He called me over to confront this guy. After I walked away, he told the guy, "guess what? she's MY girl (????) and I don't appreciate people lying about her". We laughed about the whole thing later saying, "what was this guy thinking?"

This last week we went to pick up one of his friends. I waited in the car and he brought his friend's mother out (who he had just recently met) and introduced her to me and then started joking by saying "this is your new competition, watch out". We were all laughing.

This is just minimal information, there are more incidents similar, but I can't go into every little detail. What am I supposed to think of a guy who refers to me as a "friend" yet treats me like a girlfriend and insinuates I am his girlfriend to other people?? I really can't read him and I'm really getting confused!! Personally, I think I'm falling in love with him (a feeling I have been fighting and won't share with him because it's often confused with lust - a feeling of which I know the difference from experience - and I have to be sure it is love that I'm feeling before I act upon it). Help!!

DL

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 7:01pm
Communication is your friend. It can really end the frustration and anxiety. So talk to him. Couples need to be able to communicate well or they don't last. You can either bring it up right after it happens, kind of joking around like 'So I am now your girlfriend, now, huh??" or you can have a 'where do we stand' conversation. Whichever you feel comfortable with. You need to know if he is seeing other people or if he wants to be monogamous. He is obviously sending mixed signals if you aren't exclusive.

And sooner is better than later if you are falling in love.

Avatar for wishfulkittn
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 9:37pm
Why are you trying to play the role of Dionne Warwick? You need to start talking to this guy about *important* issues (your feelings, your status, your goals, etc.), and if you can't talk to a man about things like this, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 12:42pm
Dionne Warwick? Where did that come from?? All I'm trying to figure out is where I stand with this guy and I guess it's not going to happen until I can figure out how to approach this sensitive subject. To most it wouldn't be so sensitive, but I'm one who doesn't trust easily and the last guy I fell in "lust" with (thinking it was love) I ended up having a child with and sticking it out - so to speak - for over four years... I just don't want to make a mistake like that again. I think if you really see it from my point of view you would think differently. My goal is not to marry this guy...I've been married before and then a live-in relationship. For the first time in my life I am in charge of my life and I have some freedom and being in a "committed" relationship with someone scares the hell outta me at this point in my life, hence the reason for fighting with myself about how I feel about him. And, I'm afraid that if he doesn't share the same feelings I'm just going to be hurt (which is another reason I put such a wall up and, I guess you could say "avoid" bringing those sensitive issues up). But, please, explain the Dionne Warwick... I'm curious!!

DL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 12:46pm
Go on the premise that until he comes to you and says that you're exclusive, that he admires and respects you as an individual based on your values and goals and that he desires an alliance of commitment with you of equality and mutual benefit - you're in a situation where when it benefits him you're his squeeze...and when it might limit his options - you're not. Because that is how he's conducting himself.

Don't "read" people....that leads you to assumptions and projections, which you take as facts and make decisions, actions and words as if they are facts and that alters your potential and your situation - usually not for the better given you're not doing anything based on actual facts.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 3:40pm
Ms. Warwick is spokeswoman for psychic hotline. ;-)