He's thinking of cancelling our trip!
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| Mon, 02-02-2004 - 7:54pm |
He'd been talking all along about how much he was looking forward to it and all the things we'd planned to do. He'd wanted to go there himself and it was a nice coincidence that we both wanted to go this year and ended up together. Things have been a little tense lately, but I put it down to work-stress, the trip, worries about leaving home, etc. But this announcement so soon before we leave is unbelievable. I figured we might try to talk about things out there, away from home and all the outside pressures.
I don't think the airlines would let us cancel this soon before the flight and I want to tell him I think we bite the bullet and go and if nothing else, try and have a great trip with wonderful memories. IF we talk about things out there, fine and maybe we'll have a decision on what to do when we come back. If we don't then we can talk when we get back and deal with things then. Personally I think if we don't go then that's the end of the relationship, because I'm not sure I could ever trust him to be honest with me again, but I don't want to hold that out as an ultimatum.
We will be talking later tonight about things when I will hopefully persuade him to take the risk, but nothing's certain of course. I just needed to vent this and maybe ask for any advice you might have.

He wants to go on this trip, have a great time, he wants to take someone to have great sex and conversations and fun with. Taht's NOT "I want to spend a future with you". At least, that was the original intention from the sound of it.
You said he was recently divorced - he lost his children full time, he lost his dreams, hopes, investment, and future that he had worked for and created - with the words "divorce is final".
Nobody in that state of mind or emotional position can possibly "choose" a partner based on objective discernment of who this person is at the core. All they can possibly know is that this is someone that eases their pain, their fears, their doubts and insecurities - becase the entirety of their world is upside down.
Time doesn't cure anything..unless it is time well spent. HE didn't spend time reflecting on his marriage and waht HE did that cost him that loss, he spent time running from the reality of the loss and the emotions that awareness would bring.
Quite likely this trip signifys to you his "commitment and desire" for a future with you. And you've been rambling on about how many great memories you'll make, and what wonderful stories you'll have to tell your grandchildren.
He, on the other hand, is just beginning to recover...out in the sea of divorce with his possessions, investments, and loved ones strewn about in the waves and wind and storm...he's just found a liferaft and gotten his head above water. The sun is coming up, he's finding out that he can "get to shore" because he can finally see it, he's finding out that losing full custody doesn't eliminate his potential to parent fully and completely and often, if not daily. HE's finding out that he is capable and able of handling "life alone" and he's now swimming to shore - rather than clinging desperately to whatever or whoever comes along and offers some temporary relief from the overwhelming fear that is his life.
You've considered this a "step in the direction of commitment" - he probably NEVER considered this anything but more fun, sex, companionship, distraction and diversion...and he's now realizing that if you two go - not only is he going to be away from his children for 15 days, and have work to make up upon his return, that you're going to believe and act on the belief that this "trip" signifies his intention and desire to commit to you. And he's not ready to do that...he just figured out he can swim and will be safe and is realizing that what he doesn't need right now is the obligation, responsibility, requirement, and commitment to someone else and their needs and desires.
If you want to go on the trip - as a trip - just tell him that. That it doesn't mean you're committed for a lifetime, adn that you need to both back off and let him regain his individual footing so that he can be sure whether he wants a partner in life, and if you're the one he wants.
And if you're not wanting to go on the trip unless it indicates he's emotionally involved and committed to you - tell him that, and you likely won't be going on the trip. And you shouldn't if it is going to cause pain and destruction in the long-term.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Anyway, that's where I was heading. To say to him that we shouldn't put all this 'relationship' baggage and responsibility on the trip and to just go as two people who know each other, like each other's company and just have a damn good time. We should just try to enjoy the experience, right?
Is he planning on absorbing the cost of the trip if he cancels??
Fact is, we both wanted to go NZ for a long time, we both wanted to go this year, it was pure coincidence that we met and realised that and decided it made sense to go together and I think we lost sight of that.
I'm going to try and tell him that the trip is just a trip, nothing more. It's not something I'm planning to tell my grandchildren about, it's something we can just have a good time with and enjoy and what happens, happens.
I also think he's beginning to realise that he can be on his own, without a woman in his life and do just fine. One thing he talks about is the "failure" of his marriage and I'm sure it's a big deal in his mind. Knowing him he tried his damndest to make it work. It must've been such a blow to him as a man, as a husband & father, as the good guy he really is to have to admit that this wasn't working. And perhaps for a while I was the thing that told him he was still a good guy who could make a relationship work. Now, he's over that and doesn't need me as much or in the same way? Well, we'll see.
I say cut your losses and walk away. It hurts alot more later on. I'm living proof...
Good luck.
Claire.
God, I knew it. I've spent the last 8 years quite happily single, never getting emotionally involved and the one time I do, this happens.
This business of "if it's not a romantic trip we can't go and he owes me for my ticket because he doesn't want the trip in the original format"...that's an immature crock of crap.
If your 'daddy' would be upset that you didn't responsibly invest your money in a ticket and take it out on him....that's pretty immature, as well.
If you paid for your ticket and he paid for his - cancel whatever "joint" plans and arrangements you made - each of you stay in hotels of your choosing, doing whatever you want and you'll only be subjected to one another on the plane.....which is NOT an eternity.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Feelings are not facts, goals or calls to action. They're not used in situations to determine what to do to get the results you want to get.
Feelings are a result of situations. Situations are created/changed by actions, decisions and words.
Nobody here can know all the "facts" of your situation in the areas that count. Such as your bank balance, how much you have paid towards the trip, or how much you can afford now to invest further.
But YOU can review the facts, assess them in line with your goal (which- to produce a certain feeling isn't a "Goal" either) and proceed from there.
If you each purchased your own ticket.....then logically speaking nobody should have ever assumed that they'd be repaid should this trip not be taken. Other things besides this could easily have come up - if his children had been sick or injured, he easily might have refused to go. Would you still not have gone, had that been he case? What if you'd gotten injured and couldn't participate - would he "not go" as a result of that?
In that you've always wanted to see NZ....although I realize without a partner isn't exactly HOW you planned it...the question is based on what you've invested so far and cannot get back....is it worth investing a little more in "the trip" (not the relationship) and going ahead and enjoying yourself while there?
If he wasn't telling his ex who he was going with....you know that "this relationship" is not a solid entity in his life that he values and prioritizes. Did you know that prior to purchasing your ticket....or did you find that out AFTER you'd already put out the cash?
That's just a few of the practical facts to consider. Success is a method - it's not found in a particular situation or circumstance.
To have a realistic goal, assess your options to reach it, form a plan and implement it based on the facts (knowing your feelings will rollercoaster thru the process becuase you can't control situations entirely) and always objectively review the situations and facts so that adjustments to your plans and actions can be taken accordingly - so that you reach your goal eventually.
You've always wanted to go to NZ....this guy came along and provided you the impetus to purchase a ticket. You've procured the time off work, you've gotten excited about going.....now it seems that he's not as sure he wants to go. Which is fine...the original goal wasn't "to go with him" - it was go to NZ, and your investment in that goal is evident in your ticket purchase.
You've gotten this far...you can't get blood from a stone, if he hasn't got the money to repay you back and wants to do that of his own volition, I don't believe any civil suit is going to net you the money or a judgement for it.
You can't undo what's been done...the question is, can you still reach your goal, and what detour in your original planning do you responsibly and intelligently need to make in order to do that?
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I seriously think we should cut back on the amount of time spent together and I'm hoping he'll agree to that, rather than a total shutdown. On the other hand, maybe I should just cut my losses and see where we're at in a couple of months' time.