He's thinking of cancelling our trip!

Avatar for chilaili
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Registered: 03-25-2003
He's thinking of cancelling our trip!
10
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 7:54pm
My boyfriend of just over 5 months is thinking of cancelling our trip to the South Pacific which is 4 days away because he's "not sure he's ready for this". I am naturally devastated, but trying hard to be rational. He had very recently been divorced when I met him and altho he reassured me several times that I was not 'rebound girl', now he's saying he thinks he's not ready for another relationship. He has two small daughters whom he adores and who he won't see for 15 days. We don't spend a lot of time together (Thursdays, Saturdays, sometimes Friday evenings) and this trip would be the longest time we'll spend in each other's company: 24 hours a day for two weeks. I would like to think it's either pre-trip jitters or worries about being away from his kids for so long, but I am also deeply hurt and upset and worried that this is the end of us for good. And mad as hell that he didn't say anything sooner!

He'd been talking all along about how much he was looking forward to it and all the things we'd planned to do. He'd wanted to go there himself and it was a nice coincidence that we both wanted to go this year and ended up together. Things have been a little tense lately, but I put it down to work-stress, the trip, worries about leaving home, etc. But this announcement so soon before we leave is unbelievable. I figured we might try to talk about things out there, away from home and all the outside pressures.

I don't think the airlines would let us cancel this soon before the flight and I want to tell him I think we bite the bullet and go and if nothing else, try and have a great trip with wonderful memories. IF we talk about things out there, fine and maybe we'll have a decision on what to do when we come back. If we don't then we can talk when we get back and deal with things then. Personally I think if we don't go then that's the end of the relationship, because I'm not sure I could ever trust him to be honest with me again, but I don't want to hold that out as an ultimatum.

We will be talking later tonight about things when I will hopefully persuade him to take the risk, but nothing's certain of course. I just needed to vent this and maybe ask for any advice you might have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 8:21pm
First, I think you've got "this trip' and "the future" a little too intertwined.

He wants to go on this trip, have a great time, he wants to take someone to have great sex and conversations and fun with. Taht's NOT "I want to spend a future with you". At least, that was the original intention from the sound of it.

You said he was recently divorced - he lost his children full time, he lost his dreams, hopes, investment, and future that he had worked for and created - with the words "divorce is final".

Nobody in that state of mind or emotional position can possibly "choose" a partner based on objective discernment of who this person is at the core. All they can possibly know is that this is someone that eases their pain, their fears, their doubts and insecurities - becase the entirety of their world is upside down.

Time doesn't cure anything..unless it is time well spent. HE didn't spend time reflecting on his marriage and waht HE did that cost him that loss, he spent time running from the reality of the loss and the emotions that awareness would bring.

Quite likely this trip signifys to you his "commitment and desire" for a future with you. And you've been rambling on about how many great memories you'll make, and what wonderful stories you'll have to tell your grandchildren.

He, on the other hand, is just beginning to recover...out in the sea of divorce with his possessions, investments, and loved ones strewn about in the waves and wind and storm...he's just found a liferaft and gotten his head above water. The sun is coming up, he's finding out that he can "get to shore" because he can finally see it, he's finding out that losing full custody doesn't eliminate his potential to parent fully and completely and often, if not daily. HE's finding out that he is capable and able of handling "life alone" and he's now swimming to shore - rather than clinging desperately to whatever or whoever comes along and offers some temporary relief from the overwhelming fear that is his life.

You've considered this a "step in the direction of commitment" - he probably NEVER considered this anything but more fun, sex, companionship, distraction and diversion...and he's now realizing that if you two go - not only is he going to be away from his children for 15 days, and have work to make up upon his return, that you're going to believe and act on the belief that this "trip" signifies his intention and desire to commit to you. And he's not ready to do that...he just figured out he can swim and will be safe and is realizing that what he doesn't need right now is the obligation, responsibility, requirement, and commitment to someone else and their needs and desires.

If you want to go on the trip - as a trip - just tell him that. That it doesn't mean you're committed for a lifetime, adn that you need to both back off and let him regain his individual footing so that he can be sure whether he wants a partner in life, and if you're the one he wants.

And if you're not wanting to go on the trip unless it indicates he's emotionally involved and committed to you - tell him that, and you likely won't be going on the trip. And you shouldn't if it is going to cause pain and destruction in the long-term.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for chilaili
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 8:40pm
We both were guilty of talking about The Future and mostly it was kidding around, but I think he never had time on his own to take care of himself after the divorce (he was very unhappy in that relationship) and just recover from 10 years of (his words) being with the wrong person. I also think maybe the pressure of not being truthful with his ex about this trip and who he was going with might be getting to him but that's another story.

Anyway, that's where I was heading. To say to him that we shouldn't put all this 'relationship' baggage and responsibility on the trip and to just go as two people who know each other, like each other's company and just have a damn good time. We should just try to enjoy the experience, right?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 8:55pm

Is he planning on absorbing the cost of the trip if he cancels??

Avatar for chilaili
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 9:05pm
You'd better believe he's paying me back if we don't go! And he's going to have to tell my parents! My Dad will flay him alive (oh, is that mean?)


Fact is, we both wanted to go NZ for a long time, we both wanted to go this year, it was pure coincidence that we met and realised that and decided it made sense to go together and I think we lost sight of that.

I'm going to try and tell him that the trip is just a trip, nothing more. It's not something I'm planning to tell my grandchildren about, it's something we can just have a good time with and enjoy and what happens, happens.

I also think he's beginning to realise that he can be on his own, without a woman in his life and do just fine. One thing he talks about is the "failure" of his marriage and I'm sure it's a big deal in his mind. Knowing him he tried his damndest to make it work. It must've been such a blow to him as a man, as a husband & father, as the good guy he really is to have to admit that this wasn't working. And perhaps for a while I was the thing that told him he was still a good guy who could make a relationship work. Now, he's over that and doesn't need me as much or in the same way? Well, we'll see.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 9:34pm
I feel for you. My beau just broke up with me 7 days ago. We were and I beleive stil are, totally in love. However, he couldn't deal with the "pressures" of being in a relationship. He gets overwhelmed at the slightest thing and makes a moutain out of a mole in his head. We never fought, or rarely, and if we did, we communicated amazingly well and always worked through it. But , he did have a small habit of "backing away" every now in then. When he did, we still spoke on the phone and emailed and told each other we loved each and missed each other. Bottom line, as much as I am suffering, and my heart aches for him, I need him to do his own therapy and figure out in his own head what is right for him right now. I have him totally anylized...fear of commitment etc ect etc. But for me to lay this on him, would do him no good. As much as I hate it, I need to give him all the space in the world (I am no longer in touch with him). I need to have faith that if this was meant to be, he will come back. He will take the time he needs to figure out why he backed away, and if he misses me enough, and if what we had was strong enough, he'll be back on his own accord. I am trying to convince myself that If I have to do his therapy for him, his own self-awarenes, he won't be any better for me in the long run. This needs to come from within him. Sounds to me like your guy might be in the same place.I wouldn't go on thr trip. I would take it as lesson learned and ask him to refund the money. Be true to yourself. Would you really be going on this trip thinking that it was "just a trip" or would you, deep down inside, be hoping that this will re-connect you? I'm quickly learning , at 39 years old, that you can't "make" a relationship work. It either will or it won't...and it takes to.

I say cut your losses and walk away. It hurts alot more later on. I'm living proof...

Good luck.

Claire.

Avatar for chilaili
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 6:56am
It's too damn late not to go. We'd never get our money back from the airlines and I certainly can't afford to lose $1600! We're going and we'll just have to make the best of it. If it's a disaster, it'll be on his head because I'm just going to try and have the best time that doesn't involve him that I can. Right now I'm just so angry that he's apparently been feeling like this since NOVEMBER and decided to tell me 4 days before we're due to leave.

God, I knew it. I've spent the last 8 years quite happily single, never getting emotionally involved and the one time I do, this happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 9:07am
If you've each purchased your own tickets...what is stopping you both from going - sitting on a plane together isn't an eternity......and then doing your own thing as you wish when you get there - and then getting back on the same plane and coming home.\

This business of "if it's not a romantic trip we can't go and he owes me for my ticket because he doesn't want the trip in the original format"...that's an immature crock of crap.

If your 'daddy' would be upset that you didn't responsibly invest your money in a ticket and take it out on him....that's pretty immature, as well.

If you paid for your ticket and he paid for his - cancel whatever "joint" plans and arrangements you made - each of you stay in hotels of your choosing, doing whatever you want and you'll only be subjected to one another on the plane.....which is NOT an eternity.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for chilaili
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 9:11am
Well, that idea would work if either of us could afford it. I certainly can't. Anyway, I'm going to stop this now. I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions and each time I come here I feel something different and I need to deal with it alone. So thanks for everyone's 10 cents. Good luck to you all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 9:36am
Well, if you're still reading - this really might help.

Feelings are not facts, goals or calls to action. They're not used in situations to determine what to do to get the results you want to get.

Feelings are a result of situations. Situations are created/changed by actions, decisions and words.

Nobody here can know all the "facts" of your situation in the areas that count. Such as your bank balance, how much you have paid towards the trip, or how much you can afford now to invest further.

But YOU can review the facts, assess them in line with your goal (which- to produce a certain feeling isn't a "Goal" either) and proceed from there.

If you each purchased your own ticket.....then logically speaking nobody should have ever assumed that they'd be repaid should this trip not be taken. Other things besides this could easily have come up - if his children had been sick or injured, he easily might have refused to go. Would you still not have gone, had that been he case? What if you'd gotten injured and couldn't participate - would he "not go" as a result of that?

In that you've always wanted to see NZ....although I realize without a partner isn't exactly HOW you planned it...the question is based on what you've invested so far and cannot get back....is it worth investing a little more in "the trip" (not the relationship) and going ahead and enjoying yourself while there?

If he wasn't telling his ex who he was going with....you know that "this relationship" is not a solid entity in his life that he values and prioritizes. Did you know that prior to purchasing your ticket....or did you find that out AFTER you'd already put out the cash?

That's just a few of the practical facts to consider. Success is a method - it's not found in a particular situation or circumstance.

To have a realistic goal, assess your options to reach it, form a plan and implement it based on the facts (knowing your feelings will rollercoaster thru the process becuase you can't control situations entirely) and always objectively review the situations and facts so that adjustments to your plans and actions can be taken accordingly - so that you reach your goal eventually.

You've always wanted to go to NZ....this guy came along and provided you the impetus to purchase a ticket. You've procured the time off work, you've gotten excited about going.....now it seems that he's not as sure he wants to go. Which is fine...the original goal wasn't "to go with him" - it was go to NZ, and your investment in that goal is evident in your ticket purchase.

You've gotten this far...you can't get blood from a stone, if he hasn't got the money to repay you back and wants to do that of his own volition, I don't believe any civil suit is going to net you the money or a judgement for it.

You can't undo what's been done...the question is, can you still reach your goal, and what detour in your original planning do you responsibly and intelligently need to make in order to do that?

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


Avatar for chilaili
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:14pm
Just in case anyone's still interested, I thought I'd let you know that we're back from the trip and everything went very well. However, being back in Reality-Land might be another issue. Of course, being on vacation is an unrealistic situation what with no work, no chores, no concerns other than what to wear and where to go any given day. We had some hiccups due to unbelievably bad weather that forced serious changes in our plans, but we coped very well without any meltdowns. I'm getting the feeling now (from me as well as him) that now we're back in the cold, harsh real world, things may change. There are family concerns, work, school for me and just the day-to-day stuff of 'normality'.

I seriously think we should cut back on the amount of time spent together and I'm hoping he'll agree to that, rather than a total shutdown. On the other hand, maybe I should just cut my losses and see where we're at in a couple of months' time.